How to Cope with the Grief of Infant Loss

The loss of a child is often considered to be the most painful, wrenching experience a person can have. The loss of an infant may be sudden and shocking or follow many months of neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) visits.

Losing a baby means the loss of dreams for the baby’s future. Parents may feel they were robbed of time to get to know their child. Friends and family may never have met the child. Because infant loss follows a short life, some people find loved ones treat the loss as if it were a miscarriage—not the loss of a living, breathing child. This can compound the pain and increase stigma.

Though infant loss is often painful and traumatic, it’s possible to find healthy ways to cope. The right therapist can help parents find ways to mourn and honor their child. Therapy is not about forgetting the child or the loss; instead, the goal is to work through the pain of infant loss, move forward, and find ways to seek support from loved ones. Though life may never be the same, a good life is still possible.

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, during which organizations across the globe work to support parents who have lost a child.

How Infant Loss Affects Families

The loss of any child is painful, and there is no good time to lose a child. The loss of an infant presents unique challenges and sources of grief. Some common issues include:

The loss of a baby can be frightening to others, who may look for reasons it won’t happen to them.

Stigma, Myths, and Other Challenges of Infant Loss

The loss of a baby is tragic enough, yet many families also face stigma and other myths surrounding their loss. Some people mistakenly believe one baby can replace another, so they reassure the parents that they are lucky to already have children or that they’ll one day be able to have another baby. This can undermine the meaning of the baby’s life as a unique individual and may make bereavement worse.

Some other common challenges include:

How to Help Someone Coping with the Loss of a Baby

There’s no cure for the loss of a baby, and nothing can make the pain disappear. Grief in response to this type of loss is normal and understandable, so loved ones should not try to rush the grieving process or encourage parents to “move on.” While it is possible to recover, parents will never forget their baby. Encouraging them to do otherwise is harmful.

Some strategies to help someone who has lost a baby include:

Offer material support in the months following the loss. Bring meals, offer childcare for other children, or help clean the house.

Therapy for Infant Loss

Therapy can help parents find productive ways to deal with their loss. Some therapists specialize in bereavement therapy that helps parents understand their emotions, work through the loss of their child, and even find meaning in the loss. For some people, the loss of a baby inspires them to support other parents, fight childhood illnesses, or otherwise give back to their community. Therapy can help parents decide what might help them move forward.

Therapy can also help family members and couples support each other. Everyone deals with loss differently. One spouse might want time alone, while the other might need a distraction or lots of hugs. Family and couples counseling can help with identifying these needs and support families to meet one another’s needs.

Therapists gently guide bereaved families through their grief, and a good therapist never tells families to get over the loss. Instead, therapists honor the life of the lost baby while helping grieving parents continue to lead lives of meaning and purpose. Recovery is difficult, but possible. For help navigating the pain of losing a baby, begin your search for a therapist here.

References:

  1. For family and friends–how to give support after a stillbirth. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/pregnancy-complications/pregnancy-loss/stillbirth/family-and-friends—how-give-support-after-stillbirth
  2. Lyngstad, T. H. (2013). Bereavement and divorce: Does the death of a child affect parents’ marital stability? Family Science, 1(4), 79-86. doi: 10.1080/19424620.2013.821762
  3. What causes infant mortality? (2016, December 1). Retrieved from https://www.nichd.nih.gov/health/topics/infant-mortality/topicinfo/causes

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