Different Shades of Sexuality: The Psychological Aspects of BDSM
If you haven’t read the novel yet, you might be 50 shades of curious about why Fifty Shades of Grey is the most-talked-about tale in print currently.
A quick search will reveal that the romance between the main characters, Mr. Grey and Miss Steele, revolves around bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism (BDSM). In fact, Christian Grey appears to really only get satisfaction from sex when it involves inflicting pain or dominance over his partner, which, following criteria from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM IV-TR) used by mental health professionals to make diagnoses, could be considered a mental disorder called sexual sadism.
The DSM IV-TR states that “sexual sadism involves acts (real, not simulated) in which the individual derives sexual excitement from the psychological or physical suffering (including humiliation) of the victim.” In order to officially be diagnosed with sexual sadism, individuals must meet the following criteria:
1) “Over a period of at least 6 months, recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving acts (real, not simulated) in which the psychological or physical suffering (including humiliation) of the victim is sexually exciting to the person.”
2) “The person has acted on these sexual urges with a nonconsenting person, or the sexual urges or fantasies cause marked distress or interpersonal difficulty.”
In the first novel of the series, Christian Grey appears to engage in sexual sadism only with consenting participants (like Anastasia Steele, the main female character), but he openly admits to being abused (including sexual abuse) as a child and teenager and appears to be at least somewhat distressed by the fact that it’s difficult for him to have a “normal” relationship. He even explains to the character Anastasia Steele at one point that this is just the way he is, almost with sorrow. And although he does have “normal” or “vanilla” sex with Anastasia, he makes it obvious that he prefers sex that involves pain and pleasure at the same time, always with him dominating.
Anastasia also admits to herself that there is something unusual about Christian and his sexual preferences, but she lets her desire for him take over, and she hopes that she can make him want a “normal” relationship with her. She herself has issues with low self-esteem and confidence, which is perhaps why she is so drawn to the seemingly overly confident Christian. Both characters appear to function as well as the average person in their fictional world, but both have issues that could potentially need to be addressed by a professional if they lived in the real world.
So it appears that one of the main characters of Fifty Shades of Grey may have a diagnosable disorder related to sexuality, or at least has abnormal sexual preferences and a traumatic past that hasn’t been resolved yet. He has major difficulties maintaining any lasting romantic relationship, and yet the relationship between Christian and Anastasia seems to have been received in a somewhat positive light, considering the large following of readers.
The Experts Weigh In
Several mental health experts have offered their insight into the unusual relationship found in Fifty Shades of Grey (and the two other novels in the series). Reef Karim, a board-certified psychiatrist, the founder and medical director of the Control Center for Addictions, and author of Why Does He Do That? Why Does She Do That? and host of the new show Broken Minds on the Discovery channel, said that the novel is definitely making people think about normal and abnormal sexuality and possibly changing some people’s minds.
He said in an e-mail that the main question people are wondering is, “What is normal and abnormal sexual behavior, and when is aberrant sexual experimentation and behavior considered a mental health diagnosis?” “The really interesting part of psychiatric diagnoses is that many are based on a behavioral spectrum where the interruption of an individual’s social, relational, occupational, and functional life is a key factor in making the diagnosis,” Karim said. “This book has become a literary piece of pop culture that is challenging many to review their thoughts on normative and ‘out of the box’ sexual behaviors.”
He said that there could be concerns about a link between sadomasochism (S&M) and childhood abuse as well, since that is mentioned in the novel. “There is definitely a connection, but many people with no psychiatric or psychological history report enjoying BDSM primarily as a novel and alternative way to connect with each other,” Karim said.
Despite (or because of) the unusual relationship involving pain and pleasure (and emotional issues), many women appear to be captivated by the novels. Karim suggests this is because women enjoy having sexual fantasies, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they want the type of relationship found in the novel to become more than a fantasy. If anything, women might be more prone to sexually experiment during or after reading the novels.
However, he doesn’t think the novel is capable of completely changing sexual norms, so sexual sadism and sexual masochism will most likely still be considered mental disorders according to the DSM in the future. “I believe the novel opens up the conversation of BDSM, kink and sexual norms, but it’s much more in the curiosity range than actually changing research-driven professional medicine,” Karim said. “Expecting an increase in sex shop purchases is different than changing a clinical manual.”
Karim explains further why the novel is so appealing to women (and men), even with the dysfunctional (and sometimes even depressing) personalities of the characters. “In regards to sexual research, many women fantasize about submission, and many men fantasize about dominance,” he said. “Even though men and women are more equal than ever in regards to occupation and finances, we are still very different sexes, and definitive gender and role-based fantasies do exist,” he added. “Many people in our society have hidden (or not so hidden) fantasies involving kink, S&M, or altered sexual behavior. 50 Shades of Grey has opened up the conversation of previously hidden sexual desires and fantasies of many women.”
He said the novel could help couples become more creative in their sex lives, but going to any extremes is generally not beneficial. “The introduction of BDSM can add to a couple’s sexual tool box, but occasionally it can get out of control,” Karim said. “When extreme behavior leaves the bedroom or involves extremes in the bedroom, it can negatively impact the relationship. I’ve treated couples who use BDSM as a novel, fun experience in a healthy and intimate way, and I’ve treated other couples or individuals who became obsessed with the act or re-created a previous abuse history with a lot of painful markings.”
Overall, the BDSM series is encouraging men and women to discuss sexuality more openly with each other. “The book mentions childhood abuse and difficulties with self-esteem that contribute to the psychological make-up of these characters, but it has also found a way to tap into the S&M lifestyle curiosity shared by many men and women,” Karim said. “It may actually normalize the behavior, when done in moderation, as not something strange but perhaps just another form of sexual expression. Life isn’t always black and white; sometimes it’s fun to live with a little grey.”
Kari Tabag, a licensed clinical social worker, works with adolescents and college-age men and women and has read the series. She said the novel has passages that hint at mental health issues like posttraumatic stress, codependency, BDSM, and alcoholism.
Although she agrees that the novel can improve people’s sex lives through fantasy, role play, and experimentation, the sexual expectations people might have after reading the series might be set too high, leading to disappointment. Also, she emphasizes that the actual relationship depicted in the series is very unhealthy in many ways. “Christian and Anastasia’s relationship is not a healthy one. They are codependent and are too enmeshed with each other,” Tabag said. “A lot of women are codependent and are what I call ‘daddy hungry.’ This novel depicts two people who have abandonment along with trust issues.”
There are even more unhealthy aspects of the fictional relationship, according to Tabag:
- When Anastasia finds out that Christian only dates women with brown hair, it is a dead giveaway of his childhood abuse and abandonment. In fact, Anastasia refers to him as her “boy,” which is not healthy.
- Anastasia repeatedly feels that she is not worthy of Christian and vice versa.
- Christian is obsessed with Anastasia and even follows her to another state when she visits with her mother.
- They both are looking for someone to take care of rather than focusing on healing themselves. A healthier relationship involves two people who have their own separate, independent personas, making them well-established, well-rounded, self-reliant individuals.
- Christian wants Anastasia to give in to him and give up all control, and he lavishes her with gifts as a reward.
Although the relationship in the novel is not healthy, BDSM is not necessarily as terrible as it’s made out to be. Tabag suggests our society is not necessarily mature when it comes to accepting and understanding sexual preferences outside of ‘man on top.’”
Viewpoint From a Submissive
Kasi Alexander, the author of several books and short stories about alternative lifestyles, such as Becoming Sage and Saving Sunni, has herself been involved in the lifestyles of polyamory, BDSM, and power exchange. She currently identifies herself as a “slave,” and the partner in her polyamorous relationship is the “master”; she could also be referred to as a submissive. She said in an email that the relationship between Christian and Anastasia is not necessarily a model of the typical BDSM or power exchange relationship. The characters themselves are also not typical. For example, Christian Grey was abused as a child and became involved in BDSM at 15, and he now avoids “vanilla” sex and relationships.
“Very few people in the lifestyle immerse themselves so deeply that they have no desire for a relationship outside the parameters of power exchange,” Alexander said. “The ones who do are using the lifestyle to mask other personality defects, not the other way around. Accepting your dominant or submissive tendencies does not kill the desire for intimacy, closeness, or connection.” Also, the character of Anastasia Steele is low in self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence, which is not usual for submissives, Alexander said.
“Many people assume that submissives give up all responsibility for themselves, are doormats that cannot stand up for themselves, and so are taken advantage of by predatory dominants,” Alexander said. “That couldn’t be further from the truth. Submissives are stereotypically extremely strong, capable people. Many of them crave submission as a way to temporarily escape the huge responsibilities they take on in their “vanilla” lives.”
Alexander adds that the BDSM lifestyle can even be considered therapeutic in different ways. “In my own relationship, we have used our power exchange to work on my self-image and body issues, increase my self-confidence, and achieve many goals, including writing and publishing three books (so far),” she said. “Other kinky people that we know use sensation play as therapy or catharsis to work through feelings of inadequacy, childhood abuse issues, and various kinds of mental health issues.”
The BDSM element of 50 Shades of Grey just takes the typical romance/erotic novel a little further. “Women have a genetic inclination toward alpha males, so we love our fictional heroes to be large, powerful, and a little scary—someone who has the ability to hurt us but doesn’t,” Alexander said. “And almost all BDSM play is based on the intensification of physical experiences. So the fantasy of the physical ‘danger’ (intensity of experience) goes along with the mental domination of having a strong alpha male taking over your life. It’s erotic, even if it’s not what we want in our actual day-to-day lives.”
She said BDSM and power exchange have the potential to make relationships more sexually fulfilling, but just like in any relationships, it’s a matter of communicating wants and desires. And just like in other bad relationships, abuse and manipulation can happen, but that is a matter of individual personalities and relationships, not a characteristic of BDSM as a whole. She said it’s important to make a distinction between mental conditions and different sexual preferences and alternative lifestyles. “The most important aspect of the mental disorder consideration is the difference between true sadism and kinky sadism,” Alexander said. “A vast majority of ‘sadists’ in the BDSM community derive no pleasure from inflicting pain unless the recipient is enjoying the experience, whereas a true sadist is not concerned with the benefit of the other person.”
She believes that people will eventually become more accepting of these types of lifestyles and realize that they can be beneficial to people who can learn how to make them work.
“More education is needed to show people that polyamory is not cheating, BDSM is not abuse, and power exchange is not manipulation,” Alexander said. “The important thing to keep in mind is the benefit for the people involved. BDSM and power exchange can be done badly and for the wrong reasons, but they can also be used for personal, professional, and spiritual growth and for the enhancement of relationships.”
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