Dear GoodTherapy.org,
I recently attended a family reunion (full disclosure: this was in the deep south) and was horrified to discover how closed-minded and bigoted my parents have become. My family has always been relatively conservative, but this last trip showed their true colors and ignorance. They made blatantly racist remarks, said awful things about LGBT people, and proclaimed their intent to vote against extended rights for minorities.
I was appalled, to say the least, and too shocked to speak articulately on the matter at the time. It’s 2016, and yet I felt I’d entered a time machine and been transported back to 1916!
Now that the event has passed, I’m still troubled by their elitism and hatred, and I’m left wondering if there’s anything I can do. They live in an echo chamber of their own beliefs—meaning I know their community and friends just reflect their “values.” So I’m not very optimistic about being able to open their minds, let alone change their thought patterns and attitudes. Is it possible? Should I try regardless? In some ways I feel like I’m trying to single-handedly cure people who are addicted, so ingrained are their habits and backward ideals. I wish there were interventions for racism. —In Fairness
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Dear Fairness,
Thank you for reaching out and opening this often-challenging discussion. Family can be both interesting and complicated, and when we add in hot topic discussions they become even more so.
While I deeply appreciate your desire to affect change in your family, attempting to change a deeply ingrained belief system is very challenging. As you noted, these particular family members are in an environment where those who share those beliefs surround them. When that is the case, it is extremely difficult for anything other than those beliefs to stand. In fact, there is a theory called “confirmation bias” that shows people tend to look for and interpret information in a way that supports their beliefs; anything coming their way that contradicts that may not matter.
The only thing we really have power over is ourselves. While we may attempt to impact the world and those around us, we are responsible only for our own actions. Really, no matter how hard you try, you are not responsible for “curing” them or changing their minds, thought patterns, or beliefs. The best you can do is to offer the information to them; what they do with it is in their hands. If you try to take on the burden of changing your family system, you are assuming responsibility for something that is not yours—and that is an unrealistic burden to carry.
There is a saying that being a helper is like being a lighthouse—the lighthouse just stands and shines and doesn’t go chasing boats to save. I suggest you be a lighthouse in your family and shine with justice, kindness, love, and acceptance for all people.
My suggestion is to offer the information to your family without the expectation that they can integrate it, accept it, or that it will change their beliefs. You can be a beacon of light in your family of acceptance and more progressive values, but also know that openly stating your beliefs may put you at odds with your family. You may face criticism and ridicule for stating your beliefs. Only you can determine if that’s something you’re willing to deal with in order to be a force of change. There is a chance your efforts will yield nothing, but there is a chance that others may be impacted. The trick is being able to go forward without expectations and without feeling as though changing your family is your job.
There is a saying that being a helper is like being a lighthouse—the lighthouse just stands and shines and doesn’t go chasing boats to save. I suggest you be a lighthouse in your family and shine with justice, kindness, love, and acceptance for all people. As you do so, your very presence may illuminate the dark places. When you hear your family members saying things that are racist, bigoted, or something along those lines, find ways to gently confront it. One way to call it out is when someone makes a racist, sexist, or bigoted joke, say, “I don’t get it. Can you please explain?” That way, they are forced to explicitly explain the “humor” behind the “joke,” revealing the issue. When you adopt this stance, you are not being confrontational while still illuminating the issue.
Most of all, be gentle with them and yourself. These types of thought patterns go way back and can be hard to change. While it is always worthwhile to challenge the status quo, also consider some ways in which you can make a difference for future generations. Maybe you can’t change old ways in your family, but you can work to impact how the newer generation sees the world. I’d like to commend you for your awareness and for your willingness to serve as an ally. We need more allies in this world, and your efforts are noticed and appreciated.
Sincerely,
Lisa
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