Help! I Feel Like I Don’t Deserve My Husband and He’ll Leave

October 16, 2015

My husband and I have been married for almost a year. Sometimes I can't believe my good fortune. He is a wonderful man, great with my kids (I brought two into the marriage), seems to adore me, treats me wonderfully, great provider for the family. Somehow, though, I am always fighting this nagging feeling that he will one day look for something better (if he isn't doing so already) and move on from me. It's like I don't feel like I deserve him. Maybe I don't. I have had some difficult relationships in the past and I hurt a couple of my partners very deeply, cheating on both multiple times. I grew up in a home where my dad cheated on my mom, ditching her (and me) in the end, and I grew up vowing that if anyone gets hurt in my relationships, it won't be me. But I have changed my ways. I have been completely faithful to my current husband. I love him dearly. I cannot imagine hurting him. But I can imagine him hurting me. Despite the evidence in front of me every day, I am convinced it's just a matter of time. What's my problem? —I'm Not Worthy

I think you have quite a bit of insight about your problem: your childhood experiences and past relationships have shaped your worldview in such a way that you don’t trust your current reality.

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You have made yourself vulnerable by committing to not hurting your husband—and that feels scary to you. We all carry some baggage from our formative experiences into current relationships. It seems, however, that your fears are preventing you from enjoying your relationship as you could. I imagine you find yourself in a pretty constant state of anxiety or fear—watching and waiting for evidence that you might get hurt. That’s exhausting. It also can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. We expect someone to tire of us, and we push for reassurance or we accuse them of not caring enough until they do tire of our behaviors and disengage from the relationship. That then confirms what we believed all along—that people will hurt us and leave us.

Most people will leave us if we push them away hard enough. The challenge is not to push when we feel scared or vulnerable, but to engage and connect.

To accept love, you must feel worthy of love. It sounds as if that may be a significant part of your struggles.

There is no quick fix or easy answer to your question. I recommend that you find a therapist to work through your relationship fears and feelings of self-worth. There is quite a bit of healing that will likely need to happen before you can fully embrace being in relationship with another person.

To accept love, you must feel worthy of love. It sounds as if that may be a significant part of your struggles. You can talk with a therapist about how to bring your husband into the work you do together—as he can likely be a great support for you. If he understands your triggers and how to respond most effectively to you, that can only enhance your relationship. However, I do not suggest focusing on couples work. I think you would benefit first and foremost from individual work to address your concerns.

Best wishes,

Erika

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