Tatra-Li de la Rosa, MA, LMFT

Couples often seek counseling during times of difficult transitions or life stressors. Typically they have sought my counsel when they've suffered infidelity or a breach of trust in some way, when they are at a communication impasse that they can't quite overcome on their own, or when larger life transitions (parenting, empty-nest, job lossretirement, moving, illness or death of a loved one) impact the relationship in a way that feels destabilizing and uncomfortable. Couples can also find themselves at a crossroads in their relationship when they are caught up by past events that have not been healed in an effective way. We can then feel trapped and burdened by a history that no longer reflects where we are in the present or where we want to be in the future. Working together, we can sort through some of these issues and become freer to make choices that truly reflect where we are now, rather than from where we've become stuck in the past. In my work with couples, I attempt to create a space where both parties can feel heard and understood by each other in a way that feels different from their common communication pattern at home. I also work to provide feedback about the unspoken dynamics that are at work within the conflicts and ritual arguments. From here we can move toward decisions about making changes that last instead of returning to the painful familiarity of the past.

Finding the right therapist for you can be a difficult task. It may require you to meet with several of us before you find the right fit! For me, the three key ingredients I look for are - Acceptance, Curiosity and Compassion: The therapist that you work with should be able to meet you with a sense of genuine openness and acceptance as you begin to reveal who you are. This means that as you begin to share your experiences, your thoughts, reactions and feelings, you will begin to feel excited (even scared sometimes) but welcomed and appreciated by your therapist for trusting the process. I would also expect you to see curiosity from your therapist as you begin the relationship and throughout the therapeutic experience. Curiosity from your therapist sends you the message that you matter, which is an essential ingredient for you to continue to push yourself to grow. As you begin to reveal who you are during therapy, you will also want to look for signs of compassion and real caring from your therapist. When someone is being compassionate toward us - we get the sense that they are "suffering with" us. Compassion is a necessary ingredient for good therapy as it encourages us to lower our guard and to feel safe while pushing ourselves to become increasingly vulnerable. And as compassion for you is modeled by your therapist, it can also become a feeling that you can give to yourself which in turn can lead you to sustain the changes you are seeking to make.