“
His fiancee nodded.
“The kid thing,” I repeated, turning to her. “I thought you talked about that months ago. You wanted to start a family after finishing business school, right?”
But as it turned out, sometime over the past eight months she had become unsure about having a family. He had chalked it up to her enthusiasm about graduate school and figured she’d change her mind once she finished. But she hadn’t.
By this point, I had been working with this couple for many months. Recently engaged, they were making plans for the holidays with both of their families. They had achieved a lot through therapy, improving their communication as well as their understanding of each other‘s concerns and goals. There were still uncomfortable moments, including when she decided to push the envelope and purchase her own engagement ring. But overall, their relationship was working, and all was good.
A disagreement over whether to have children, however, especially at this stage in a couple’s relationship, is a landmine no therapist can avoid, and I’m grateful to colleagues like Ann Davidman who have developed workshops dedicated to this topic.
It’s already so difficult for some people to decide they can be compatible with someone for the entirety of their lives. They agree to share a household and relatives, perhaps finances. But if a couple cannot come to an agreement on whether or not to have children, this can mean the end of the relationship.
It’s actually quite miraculous that so many couples share the same outlook toward children, now that we have so much freedom to choose. The path toward becoming a parent used to be more straightforward when fewer couples married for love and birth control wasn’t an option. But that was decades ago. Now we have many choices to consider, such as how many kids? When to have them? Who will work? How will they be cared for? These choices are often complex and require careful thought.
So what if you and your partner are getting serious about your relationship, thinking you’re headed in the same direction, whether that is “Yes,” “No,” or “Most likely not,” to kids, but you actually have different ideas? Maybe you already had that talk and were on the same page, but since then one of you has moved in another direction while the other’s commitment to their own decision has never been stronger.
The decision to become a parent or remain child-free is personal, and it shouldn’t be compromised for a person who truly wants it (or does not want it). The resentment that often develops when partners cannot agree is a danger to the relationship, and it can be difficult to overcome.
I encourage you to consider the following recommendations. Some of these I have used with couples I have worked with in therapy, while others, I have seen play out successfully in other relationships.
During the decision-making process, consider the following:
If you set a timeline and come up with a method (or multiple methods) of discussion, such as couples counseling, weekly relationship meetings, and so on, but reach your timeline without reaching an agreement, I recommend moving on. The decision to become a parent or remain child-free is personal, and it shouldn’t be compromised for a person who truly wants it (or does not want it). The resentment that often develops when partners cannot agree is a danger to the relationship, and it can be difficult to overcome.
I know plenty of child-free individuals who have made peace with their decision not to have children and enjoy their lives very much. Some chose individually to not have children, while others experienced fertility issues, or simply weren’t with the right person at the right time.
I’ve also known several couples who chose to go forward with parenting and have a child even though one of them was quite on the fence about it, and found that the reticent partner was won over by parenthood and wanted more children than the original enthusiastic partner (this includes the couple mentioned above).
Fear is a normal feeling to have about parenthood, but fear is able to be overcome—if there is a willingness to become a parent and an interest in parenthood, rather than a let’s-wait-and-see-how-much-I’ll-like-it approach.
It is also worth keeping in mind that having children is unlikely to turn out exactly how you think it will. As the partner wanting children, you must acknowledge that you might have a daughter when you want a son, or that you might want your child to have siblings when your partner only wants one child. You may have a special needs child or suffer a painful loss.
The choice to have a family involves a large amount of uncertainty, and the ability for your relationship to weather this uncertainty is what I want the people I work with to feel most confident about. Don’t be afraid to ask honest questions of your friends and family about their experiences. Consider what they say carefully, but in the end, trust your instincts. Only you can make this decision for yourself.
Reference:
Carlini, D. L. & Davidman, A. (2016, November 15). Motherhood: Is it for me? Your step-by-step guide to clarity. York, PA: Transformation Books.
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