Why Do Friendships Fade for So Many Autism Spectrum Parents?
Many of us have close friendships that we value. Unfortunately, there is often a pattern of decline in friendships after a diagnosis of autism. Through the work I’ve done with people in therapy and my own experience of raising a child on the autism spectrum, I have found that there are several reasons for this.
A Diagnosis Changes Relationships
I often caution parents new to the diagnosis that their lives are about to completely change. After an autism diagnosis, almost nothing remains the same. Parents typically enter a grieving process while trying to navigate new doctor and therapy schedules. Maintaining friendships often becomes the least of their concerns.
Autism also has a way of weeding out “friends” who were never all that supportive in the first place. People who are overly dependent, toxic people, or those who simply drain tend to go by the wayside. You no longer have time or patience for drama. Those who don’t understand or empathize with your grief process may become angry that you don’t have time for them or accuse you of changing. “You’re just not the same person,” they might say. “I miss the old Sally.”
Sally represents myriad autism moms, especially, who continue to share the same story: “My friends just don’t get it.”
There is a “get it” factor in parenting kids with autism spectrum issues. Those who get it become part of your inner circle. Those who don’t are weeded out, often through no particular fault of their own.
Time and Energy Are Precious
Autism takes a great amount of time and energy as a parent. This is perhaps the biggest obstacle to maintaining friendships. If you work, even part-time, the challenge becomes greater. Children on the spectrum tend to miss more school than the average child due to associated health issues. Their sleep hygiene tends to be poor or more irregular. Children with autism often need constant supervision to ensure they don’t get hurt or run away. It can be overwhelming.
If you have other children in the household, it can be a struggle to maintain a balance of time with them and your child on the spectrum. There never seems to be enough of you to go around.
If there is a spouse or significant other, there is the additional challenge of nurturing that relationship.
At the end of the day, you might be so exhausted that the last thing you want to do is get on the phone to call (or return a call from) a friend.
There is a “get it” factor in parenting kids with autism spectrum issues. Those who get it become part of your inner circle. Those who don’t are weeded out, often through no particular fault of their own.
Assumptions Can Get in the Way
There are assumptions that we make about others that may or may not be true. One of the most prevalent is that people are judging us. Many autism parents’ homes are unkempt at best, and some are embarrassed to invite others into their chaos. Right or wrong, healthy or not, this is a reality for many spectrum moms in my community. Also, many children with autism don’t adapt well to others in their physical space, so some parents don’t invite others over for that reason.
Of course, parents may also assume that others don’t want to be friends anymore because it’s too much of a hassle. Let’s face it: When friends call and I can’t call back; when they invite me to events and I keep declining; when I finally do make plans but back out at the last minute, these things do not serve friendships. It may begin to appear as if I don’t want to engage, even if this couldn’t be further from the truth.
Another common assumption is that other parents don’t want their kids to socialize with children on the spectrum. This is sometimes untrue, but not universally.
The Importance of Letting It Go
So what’s the solution? Is there one? I think the answer varies from person to person, family to family. The guilt associated with not being able to call others back or return favors tends to eat away at the people I’ve encountered in therapy. My advice to them is the same as the advice I received while in my counseling internship. One day while I was agonizing over feeling like a bad friend, my then-supervisor (now someone I call a friend) said, “Janeen, you have enough BS and ‘have-tos’ in your life. Let this go.”
And that was it. I had permission to let it go, and so I did.
There aren’t many people I call “friend.” There are only two I call in crises who can talk me off my ledge. After almost 18 years of parenting a child with special needs, I have come to know what’s truly important in life. My inability to return a phone call, and all of the guilt that accompanies it, is at the bottom of the list.
If you’re the parent of a child on the spectrum, I hope it’s at the bottom of your list as well.