When I first read your letter, I wondered if you had visited your personal physician for a checkup recently. I am not a physician, but I am aware that your irritation can be a symptom of many things, among them a nutritional disorder, neurological damage, or medication interactions. So I would advise you first to seek the advice of a medical doctor.

You write that you did not always feel angry, edgy, and unfriendly, and I wonder if you can trace back to the time when your feelings and your behavior changed. Tracking this down might give some clues about what it is that has gone wrong.

You may not have a big social circle, but are there a few friends or relatives to whom you could turn for help? They might have ideas about when, and even why, you changed.

You ask if you are depressed. It sounds like you are, and anger, as you might know, goes hand-in-hand with depression. Anger is even an underlying factor in the development of depression.

You say you are nitpicking and edgy. Who are the people most affected by these qualities? Do they have something in common?

Funny, one of the first things you wrote was that simple questions bug you, so I guess I’m bugging you as you read my reply, because I’ve asked you a lot. So rather than ask anything else, I’ll suggest that after you visit your physician you make an appointment with a therapist, who will ask you to talk about yourself, probably ask questions that annoy you, and who will request that when you’re annoyed you say so. The therapist will also ask you to report when you think the conversation has gone stupid, and you won’t have to worry about being offensive, because the therapist won’t take it personally, and that will help you, eventually, learn how to be the more likable person you say you used to be.

I hope you find your old self soon, and that when found it’s even better than you remember.

Best wishes,
Lynn

Thanks for your question. It sounds like there are a tangle of conflicts here and I empathize with what I think I hear in your question, which is that you are having feelings which are somehow “wrong” to have, which I imagine is very uncomfortable, even painful. Holding a secret you feel you can’t share with your spouse is often a tough place to be.

In fact, I almost wonder what might happen to your curiosity about men if your spouse heard and accepted this about yourself—or if somehow these feelings became less dangerous and more human. How do you feel about this attraction? You say, “I don’t want to feel like I can’t be myself when I am with her.” What about yourself, aside from the literal idea of sex with a man, feels “not OK” when you’re with her? Is there some ideal sense of manhood you’re trying to fulfill? Does this attraction for men symbolize something that is unsafe in the marriage or your social/cultural circle? Of course as a society in general, we are given horrifically limited identity choices for manhood. Any whiff of “sensitivity” can bring out the gay jokes, as if anything other than James Bond were unacceptable. (Of course, if you’ve seen the latest Bond, you know even he has some interesting inclinations!)

The fact is, our sexuality falls on a spectrum and some of us develop attractions for people of both genders. It’s normal to have fantasies of what sex with the same gender is like, at least occasionally, and some have them more consciously than others—and the very idea is more accepted in some cultures than others. (In ancient Greece, there was no eros more “noble” than love between men.) I’m not saying it’s always a “choice,” but for some of us it is; some folks are clearly attracted to a particular gender, while 3%-5% of us are more in the middle of the spectrum and attracted to both. In the latter case, it’s important to note that we find ourselves attracted to people rather than “men” (or women). For instance, is there a particular man you’ve found “hot” or fantasized about? (Our bodies are pretty clear about attraction.) Perhaps your curiosity about men carries some kind of psychological symbolism—i.e., that you’re hoping for greater emotional freedom and acceptance of “unmanly” aspects of you, especially if you feel pressured to be “strong” or “tough” (like your wife, it sounds like) in a conservative environment. If your desire for men were accepted, you might have wider emotional latitude. Or perhaps the idea of surrendering that strength in order to feel protected is part of the appeal; sometimes it’s nice for us guys to take off the Superman cape and let someone else drive, especially if we’ve lacked close male relationships.

Because us guys are so often prohibited from being vulnerable or “emotional”—which we are; in spite of what culture says about Mars vs. Venus, we’re just emotional in different ways—we can sometimes long for more intimate but not necessarily physical relationships with men, though sometimes that longing is physical; or we have sexual desires that contain emotional longings for connection. These are chicken-and-egg questions that are worthy of further reflection, I think, with the understanding that this might be frightening in the cultural context (and I live in liberal Los Angeles, so it’s easy for me to say) but which are nothing but human at the end of the day. Have you considered discussing this with a therapist?

As awkward and shameful as it might feel, each of us is unique in who or what we find desirable, and while sexual desire is often mysterious or even frightening, when you boil it down it’s related to longings for love, affection, and safety. In a way, all the sturm and drang about sexuality is a red herring and reflect our neurotic cultural bias; imagine if you substituted “other women” for “men” in your question. I find it admirable that you’re not willing to ignore something so vital in your psyche and are searching for answers, which to me indicates courage and integrity. Something tells me there’s a conversation that needs to happen between you and your wife (perhaps with the help of a couples counselor), when the time is right. My sense is that you have a longing to feel safer and less guarded where you live, in a psychological, emotional, and possibly sexual sense. There’s certainly no shame in any of that. You might want to do some research on bisexuality. There are some excellent online resources for people experiencing what you are.

After some sifting, it might become clearer what it is you’re needing from your wife, whether that’s a more emotionally flexible relationship, or even the opportunity to explore this topic in an open, mutually respectful way. Sometimes deciding between commitment and sexual freedom/ experimentation, regardless of gender, is a difficult choice, especially for men who marry young, as you have. And like it or not, our psyches, sexuality, and selfhood continue to evolve over time; thanks for writing, and bravo for having the courage of emotional self-assertion.

Respectfully,
Darren

I think you hit on an essential element of your situation—it seems to be working for you. It’s very easy to get caught up in “shoulds” and external expectations and lose sight of the fact you and your partner may choose to create a satisfying life together that might seem unconventional to others. It matters less that you are a great feminist in the abstract, and more that you are feeling satisfied with the relationships in your life.

That said, I do wonder about your hesitation to talk openly about it with him. The fact you are worried about the “hassle” and “emotional toll” of talking about it says to me that perhaps something is not quite working for you. Right now, the affair is a “secret,” and keeping big secrets tends to undermine relationships rather than foster healthy, stable ones. It may work in the short term, but think about how much energy is going into each of you pretending the affair is not happening. That is hard work! At some point, one or both of you may just get too tired to maintain the pretense. Eventually, secrets tend to come out. What might happen if your husband were to discover months from now that you knew all along? What are you afraid might happen if you were to talk about it now? What do you fear you might lose? What might there be to gain? You may want to consider talking with a therapist to explore your fears and hesitation, and also to take an affirmative look at what you do want from your relationships and your life as you move forward.

You mention two positive elements of this affair—you get some alone time that you enjoy, and your husband has been more attentive and caring. It seems like that may be a place to start as you consider what it is that you want. If you are honest with yourself about what you want and need, then you will have the information you need to make the best decisions you can. Since you cannot control how your husband responds or what steps he chooses to take, all you can do is try to make decisions that feel right to you.

Best of luck,
Erika

Feeling like you’re compelled to self-destruct is a very scary place to be; you probably feel out of control and scared about what might come next or the consequences of the behaviors you’ve described. I imagine that you are also grappling with some feelings of guilt and shame. This response will not give you all the answers you might be seeking, but hopefully it will shed some light on what to do next.

I was struck by your statement “What’s wrong with me?” because I don’t necessarily see anything “wrong” with you. I wonder if you would be willing to look at your behavior not as something that is “wrong” but rather as an indication that you are hurting and this behavior is letting you know. Often, when I see people who are acting out in self-destructive ways it is an unconscious way of self-sabotage. Perhaps you feel unworthy of love, success, and happiness, and act in ways to reaffirm that belief. Perhaps you are afraid of closeness and intimacy and use these behaviors as a way to keep yourself distanced from others. It is really difficult to pinpoint an exact cause without knowing more about your situation, but I would venture to say that you are unhappy and frustrated with how you’ve been living and may be reaching a point where you’re ready to make some changes. Even though you may feel very out of control right now, may I encourage you with the idea that you can always choose a different path and, therefore, a different outcome.

It takes a lot of courage to send in a question like this one; I hope you continue and take the next step of calling a qualified therapist who can help you understand why you’ve made the choices you have and who can journey with you as you decide how you will live from this point forward. It is not an easy road to walk, but it is always well worth it in the end

Sincerely,
Lisa

Experiencing such discomfort when there is seemingly no reason for the discomfort can be confusing, and even a little scary. You may be comforted to know that it is also quite common. We all have vague feelings of unrest at times, and they often pass just as quickly and mysteriously as they arrived. However, it sounds like this is something that you have been struggling with for a while now, and perhaps it is even intensifying. When these feelings persist, I believe it is a cue that it is time to enlist some support in sorting things out. Partnering with a therapist can provide the supportive relationship and the dedicated time and space to explore this.

Over the years, I’ve had many people come in for therapy with much the same scenario you presented—committed relationship, good job, and stable finances, but unhappy, perpetually anxious, or, as you say, unable to relax. It typically doesn’t take too much probing before we are able to identify one or more areas in someone’s life where there is dissatisfaction. Thoroughly exploring these areas creates an opportunity to develop insight into the source of the unrest. Once there is a deeper understanding of what is actually happening, concrete steps can be taken to address it. Sometimes the solution is less concrete, however. For some, the dilemma is more existential in nature—they are seeking answers to questions about the meaning and purpose of life. In these cases, therapy provides an opportunity to explore these questions while providing the support that may be needed when no definitive answers materialize.

Though I can’t be sure what exactly is causing your unrest, I sense that you have reached a level of frustration that is pushing you to address it. You took the brave step of writing in with your question. I encourage you to continue taking brave steps and find a therapist who can help you sort through what you are experiencing. It might be scary and even painful, but in the end, you just might find yourself able to relax.

Sincerely,
Sarah

Eighteen years is a long time to live feeling lonely and longing, especially when yIt’s not ou’re in a relationship that’s supposed to be loving and intimate. I suppose that things worsened gradually, and now you find yourself high and dry. You write that your girlfriends think you’re “crazy for not seeing the truth.” Do they think this relationship is over, or should be?

You ask if your lack of intimacy is normal. It is unusual. Most married couples of your ages—59 and 55—have intimate communications of various kinds, from hand-holding to sex, and verbal too, but as you describe it your husband cannot tolerate even the smallest touch, a reaction that goes way beyond sexuality. I sense this is nothing new, and I have questions about it.

Does he reject your touch only? How does he respond to others, to a friendly handshake or pat on the shoulder? And what about your children? I don’t know how old they are, but are they of lap-sitting age, and do they, or did they ever, sit in his lap? How does he say hello to them when he comes home from a business trip? How does he say hello to you? And the goodbyes, what are they like?

You describe him as remote, negative, and oppositional. Maybe he is experiencing depression or some other emotional or physical issue. You sound pretty depressed, too. Could you both see a doctor for a general exam and then talk to the doctor together about these problems? I would start with this, and if all checks out OK then I would seek therapy for both of you, both individual and couples counseling. And if your husband is unwilling to participate, go alone.

You know when you get on an airplane and the flight attendant gives instructions of what to do in case of an emergency? “If there is turbulence, the air bags might descend from the ceiling. If you are traveling with a child, put the oxygen mask on yourself first, and then on your child.” Get that oxygen. And put on your parachute in case you have to bail.

Take some deep breaths. As you probably sense, you should not have to live this way. You husband shouldn’t have to, either. Take care of yourself and everyone will profit—maybe your husband, certainly your children, and absolutely definitely YOU!

Take care, and good luck!
Lynn

You sound deeply frustrated, and understandably so. You’re feeling pulled between a very important friendship and your educational/professional goals. That is a very tough spot to be in.

I’m curious to know if you have tried to talk to your friend about this. It seems to me that maybe you have not, since you indicated that you “don’t want to mean and tell her to knock it off.” If you haven’t yet spoken to her, I would encourage you to think about doing so. It isn’t “mean” to let a friend know what you need. Consider what you might want if the roles were reversed. If your behavior was making it difficult, or even impossible, for your friend to achieve something that was important to her, wouldn’t you want to know? You wouldn’t want to hinder the pursuit of her goals, would you? And if she was courageous enough to be honest with you, I imagine you would adjust your behavior and support her efforts.

Let her know how much you value her friendship and explain that, because you value it so much, you need to be honest about something that has been troubling you. Your assurance that she is important and valued might mitigate any rejection she feels after being asked to back off a little. Hopefully, she will respond by hearing you out and adjusting her behavior to be more supportive of your goals. Your requests are reasonable and appropriate. The worst-case scenario is that she doesn’t understand where you are coming from, takes your request very personally, and chooses to end the friendship. If your very reasonable request evokes such an unreasonable response, it might be time to question the quality of the friendship. If you can’t ask your best friend for support in achieving your goals, then how strong is the friendship? You probably know her well enough to predict how likely this worst-case scenario is.

You might also want to ask yourself why her needs seem to be more important than yours. Is this something that comes up often in your relationships? Do you have a tendency to put the needs, desires, and feelings of others over your own? Is this behavior detrimental to you? If you answered yes to those questions, it might be a good idea to work with a therapist on these issues. It’s possible that an underestimation of your self-worth might be impacting many areas of your life, and a therapist could be invaluable in helping you sort these things out.

Gathering the courage to talk to your friend and/or find your own therapist might take some time, and it seems like you might need some tangible solutions right now. From your brief note, I’m not clear on whether your work is academic or professional, or whether you work in an office or elsewhere. Either way, it might be useful to find some other location to do your work. For example, if this is happening in a college dorm room, try going to the library or a study lounge to do most of your work, and make plans to meet up with your friend after you finish working. If this is happening in a work setting, try working in a conference room or putting some headphones on at your desk to discourage chit-chat. You can still plan to have lunch together or spend some time together after work.

Finding a balance between work and relationships is a challenging task, but it is one that most of us have to deal with at various points in our lives. While this situation may be a bit overwhelming at the moment, it is also an opportunity for you to figure out what strategies work best for you in attaining this balance. You can add what works to your toolbox for the future and toss strategies that don’t work.

All the best,
Sarah

You are not alone in your dilemma, and it is a tough one. You’ve prepared yourself and created the kind of life you want for your future family. Unfortunately, “if you build it, they will come” doesn’t really work when it comes to finding a partner and having children.

In my work with couples, particularly couples who have recently become parents, I see how difficult it is for many of them to maintain a solid partner relationship while attending to their new parenting duties. This is exponentially more difficult for couples who do not have a solid foundation to their relationship. I hear your very real fears, and generally, when we are driven by fear we don’t always make the best choices. If you rush into a commitment with someone so that you can have a child by a specific deadline, you risk overlooking some incompatibilities that may be problematic in the future.

You are right, however, that time is a factor, and I am wondering if you’ve considered alternatives to your original dream of finding a great partner and starting a family together. One of the biggest challenges of your dream is that you don’t really have control over how it works out. You can’t simply will the right guy into existence, you can’t ensure that he will be the kind of partner and co-parent you want, and you can’t guarantee that you will be able to conceive a healthy child together in the right amount of time.

With so many things out of your control, it would be natural to feel helpless, frustrated, anxious, and stressed—not a great frame of mind for dating. It might be helpful to open yourself up to some alternative plans. Instead of an all-or-nothing approach, would you consider, for example, waiting for the right partner and adopting or fostering if your childbearing “window” had passed? Would you consider having a child by yourself and on your own timeline? What options would you consider? What elements can you let go of?

Having alternative plans that you can live with can relieve some of the pressure you are feeling and, very likely, the men you are dating may be feeling as well. By all means, keep pursuing your original dream, but knowing that you have alternative plans that work for you might help you relax. Incidentally, chances are much greater that you will attract the kind of man you want when you are relaxed and content rather than stressed and anxious.

To really open yourself up to alternatives, however, you may need to take some time to process and accept that your original dream might not come true. There is a grieving process involved in this that can be painful but ultimately freeing. You don’t have to do it alone. You can get support from friends and family, or work with a therapist to come to terms with the very real loss that comes from letting go of the vision of the life you expected to lead. It can be a difficult but powerful process. Mourning the loss of a future you hoped to have can ultimately lead you to a place of being able to accept and embrace the future you will have.

Best of luck!
Erika

Boy, what a stressful situation this must be for everyone. I think your concerns about your children and desires to keep them safe are perfectly normal—and warranted, given the erratic and “disruptive” behavior of your (ex?) husband, which apparently includes visits to jail and mental hospitals. I think the first thing, if you haven’t thought of this already, is to make sure any potential visits (even if Dad is “on his meds” and reportedly doing OK) are strictly supervised. Perhaps the most appropriate thing, if/when he is again permitted to have visits with the children, is to ensure visits are made in very controlled, safe situations. Again, this may have occurred to you already, but there it is.

The main point of your question is how to speak to kids about things that even we adults struggle to comprehend, and that may even frighten us. We Westerners, with our love of hard science, tend to be more at ease with what we can see and touch; mental issues often seem intangible, hard to define and treat with the same precision as physical illnesses. This can create anxiety and frustration, including the question of how to talk to children. Rest assured, there is no “right” way to do this. The only way is trial and error, in the seeking out of that elusive combination of honesty and appropriateness, much of which, of course, depends on your children. Some kids are astonishingly open-minded and earthy about things; others have more anxiety and need to be treated much more delicately. Some 8-year-olds may say matter-of-factly, “So my friends say Dad’s crazy, is that true?” Others may very tentatively say, with much worry, “What’s wrong with Daddy?” The first step is to acknowledge their feelings about what’s happening, validate their experiences (“yes, this stuff is a little scary”), and most importantly to reassure them that his behavior has nothing to do with them. I’m sure their father is a good person in a bad predicament.

Know that it’s OK for you to share some of your own feelings about this, including anxiety, worry, frustration, what have you. It’s likely worth talking about with a friend first, to sort out what you do and don’t want to say to your kids. (For instance, if you’re angry at him, it would be more appropriate to vent to a confidant than the children, though you might say that sometimes you get angry at the behavior, that his illness makes him do things that are hard to understand.) The point is, you are going to be the prime role model in how to handle this. If you are calm and balanced (as best as you can manage), they’ll feel that; if you seem overly anxious, angry, or indifferent, they’ll likely pick up on that, too. I don’t get that impression from your letter, by the way. You seem quite involved and caring.

It’s OK to say “I don’t know” if you don’t know the answer to something. Perhaps you can pursue answers as a family. For instance, there are helpful children’s books on mental issues, available via Google or Amazon. Seeking knowledge and education makes things less scary, and the good news is that, as awful as these issues are, better medications and treatments are coming along, seemingly every other day. (Is it possible, incidentally, that the schizophrenic episodes are connected to the mania? I’m not sure what “bouts of schizophrenia” means, unless you mean bouts of psychosis—visual or aural hallucinations, extreme paranoia, etc.—which can be related to the mania. Fortunately, the medications available are much better than they were, say, even 10 or 20 years ago. Is he regular with his medication? Many with bipolar are not, which only worsens the other symptoms, such as posttraumatic stress, psychosis, etc.)

I also wonder how much of their father’s issues are personality driven. With all due respect, I have worked with people with psychotic and extreme mood issues, and not all of them end up in jail. I don’t want to make any presumptions, but it sounds like he may have some other issues going on that might also explain his illegal and disruptive behaviors. (Does he have a drug problem?)

It’s scary to consider this, and not easy to say, but as parents (and I am one) we want to keep our kids safe, protected, and healthy, but there are limitations to those protections, since we are all too human. One of the very positive things my parents did for me was to take the stigma and fear out of seeking out counseling or therapy. I can’t help thinking that a family therapy session or two might help you—not only to destigmatize the mental health profession (which their dad so obviously needs), but also to allow your children to talk to a professional about their father’s issues. Education and de-escalating fears, again, creates greater emotional safety. These issues are difficult, but they need not be terrifying. Having a professional involved, even briefly, takes some pressure off of you, while it allows you to role-model for them an example of seeking help rather than the pressure of having to know all the answers (who does?).

A long, drawn-out course of therapy may not be needed; however, these kids have been exposed to some pretty disorienting fatherly behavior, and it might be a relief to them to talk freely to someone about their feelings, questions, and perceptions, someone not directly involved. Very often kids are protective of their parents’ feelings, or wary to contradict what they sense one parent is feeling about the other. Speaking openly and freely about their emotional experience could help reduce any potential anxiety.

I hope this is helpful. Your children are lucky to have such a caring, protective mom. Thanks for writing.

Respectfully,
Darren

Thank you for writing in. This sounds like a very complicated situation fraught with the potential for significant consequences for many people, some of whom you love dearly. I’m curious why your mother chose to share this tragic portion of your family history with you now, after all these years. Is she proposing to do something about it? Is she trying to unburden herself after carrying this disturbing knowledge alone for so many years? Does she have reason to believe that your cousin is abusing his children and/or members of the football team? Is there some other motivation for the disclosure? If you haven’t already done so, it might useful to talk to your mom about why she shared this with you at this time. It is possible that her answers might help you decide what you will do with this information. For example, if your mother thinks that someone is presently in danger, then there would be ample reason to take this information to the police immediately.

If you do decide to go to the police and open an investigation, they would probably want to speak to your family, especially your sister and brother who were victimized by your cousin. If this is the course of action you choose, it would be best for your siblings to hear this from you and your mother, and possibly also a therapist in a safe, therapeutic setting. It would be unfortunate for your siblings to first learn about this from police investigators.

I would also suggest that you schedule a consultation with a therapist who has a strong specialization in work with childhood sexual abuse. Someone with an extensive background in this area would be very well equipped to meet with you and your mother, listen to the history you present, ask additional questions, and ultimately make some recommendations for developing an action plan that will serve everyone as best as possible. Consulting with a therapist in this capacity might also prove to be quite therapeutic for you. In reading your question, I can almost feel the anxiety you are likely experiencing. You might find it quite helpful to have the support of a therapist during this time.

Sincerely,
Sarah

Thank you so much for writing. Family relationships can be so complicated, and often family members have little idea about how they are impacting others in the family. It is not unusual for oldest children to feel like they get the short end of the stick and that younger siblings get “babied” or spoiled. Sometimes parents see the oldest as more independent and needing less than the younger children. It could be possible that your parents have no idea that their actions have made you feel less special.

It is wonderful that you have not allowed your feelings to turn into resentment of your sisters. It sounds, though, as if you are in danger of letting your feelings of resentment toward your parents impact your relationship with them. You say that you really need their support. Do they know this? Have you told them what you need?

There seems to be a few issues to talk with them about—and you may want to choose which ones to address. You have a perception that your sisters have been favored since childhood. Whether or not that’s what happened in your parents’ eyes, it’s what you experienced. That can be painful, and may be impacting how you relate to your parents. It can be very challenging to address vague feelings, but you have a current example that might help you start a conversation with them.

How do you think your parents would respond to an observation? What would it be like if you told them that this past Christmas, it seemed as if the types of gifts that your sisters received were quite different than the gifts you received, and you wanted to talk about that difference and what it meant to you? Through that conversation, you might be able to share that you are hurting and that you’ve long felt as if your sisters received special treatment.

I would recommend focusing on your feelings and using “I” statements as much as possible. (For example: “I sometimes felt that I wasn’t as special to you as they were, and that really hurt.”) You can’t control how your parents respond, and it is possible that they might get defensive or dismiss what you are trying to say. But if you try to express what you’ve been feeling, without accusing or blaming, you may have the opportunity to have a really important conversation. At the very least, you can express your feelings so that your silent resentment and hurt don’t continue to grow.

If you need more help working through your feelings, or thinking about how to talk with your parents about this, you may want to consider talking with a therapist in your area.

Best of luck!
Erika

Thank you for writing. Divorce can be such a difficult subject for families, and many parents struggle with how to talk with their kids about their thoughts and feelings about it. The reasons parents stay together or decide to separate are many-fold, and rarely come down to one single factor. The one thing I can say with certainty is that their decision to separate or stay together IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Your parents are adults who have made many choices in their lives, choices they must own. Being parents means that making major decisions that impact you and your family can be complicated. Parents might choose a particular type of car because they want it to be safe for their children, even though they’d have preferred a sportier model. They may quit certain habits because they want to be good role models for their kids. They may take part in activities they don’t enjoy (roller coasters come to mind) because their kids love them. These are all daily decisions parents make for the sake of their children. The underlying reason, however, that most parents make these choices is because they fit with their own belief system about the kind of parents they want to be. It feels good to make those choices. It would feel bad to make different ones. Your parents are no different.

Your parents clearly subscribe to the belief that children benefit from parents staying together. To those who share this belief, the benefits of staying together significantly outweigh the challenges and even unhappiness of staying in a relationship that is not working. Your parents decided to commit to a path that involved them staying together. This was their decision, not yours. They did not consult you about it when you were younger—nor should they have. It was a decision that was made because they care deeply about you and wanted to provide you with the best environment they felt they could, but that is part of the job of being parents.

It seems, though, that there is a great opportunity now to talk with them about this. They’ve opened the door to the conversation, and it’s up to you as to how you want to follow up. I don’t think this about giving your blessing or asking them to work it out. Honestly, you don’t (and shouldn’t) have that kind of power. They may be asking for your input, however, so that they can make a better-informed decision—a decision that will impact you, but that ultimately will be theirs and theirs alone.

If you continue to feel guilty and depressed, it might be a good idea to talk to a counselor about how to work through what you are feeling. Your family also might benefit from family therapy to talk about what your parents separating or staying together now means for you all as a family. Best of luck!

Sincerely,
Erika