BDSM is my favorite acronym because it’s so multifaceted: its letter pairings stand for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. It could be said that the underlying element across all these terminologies is power, and in fact, some kinksters call what they’re doing “power play.”
Any time we’re playing with power, however, we need to be aware of the potential misuse or abuse of that power. Fortunately, many in the adult BDSM community employ an ethics mantra to help those new to the scene, or even more seasoned practitioners, feel comfortable testing limits. Their guiding principles are “safe, sane, and consensual.”
What do we mean when we’re talking about safety, sanity, and consent? This guide will define those concepts and give examples of responsible power play between adult partners. While it’s not necessary to label them as such, I may reference two types of play partner throughout this article: “Doms,” or dominant partners, and “subs,” or submissive partners. Play partners who occupy either or both roles are known as “switches.”
Some people who enjoy kink aren’t into gadgetry or fancy equipment, but others are. Some obvious equipment with the potential for damage are sensory deprivation masks, urethral sounds, genital clamps, and suspension devices, but even simpler tools such as rope, belts, or paddles could leave lasting damage or even prove fatal if play partners aren’t adequately prepared. Study up—not just on use of your equipment, but on basic human anatomy, too. Some parts of the body, like on the back near the kidneys, are riskier places to be struck. Consider the risk of losing circulation if you’re playing with rope or handcuffs, and have a backup plan for freeing your partner if you’re tying up or cuffing him or her. Make sure your partner can breathe if you’re using a ball gag or mask. Practice whipping pillows before using human partners; practice tying basic knots before attempting more intricate bondage. Minimize burn risks if you’re playing with hot wax.
These might sound like a lot of rules, but if your partner trusts you with his or her body, you need to be able to trust yourself, too. Emotional safety is as important as physical safety when it comes to sex and power play, which brings us to the second item of the BDSM ethics code.
Whether I’m doing trauma work with people in individual therapy or facilitating classroom discussions about healthy relationships, I want to make sure that I’m maintaining an atmosphere of emotional safety. The rationale and context may be different, but the concept of emotional safety is absolutely critical for responsible BDSM exploration. Emotional safety exists in environments where you’re sharing only what feels safe and will be respected. In BDSM practice, this requires considerable introspection on the part of both dominant and submissive partners. Ask yourself: are the activities we’re engaging in going to open emotional wounds, and do I trust my partner to take care of me in a state of vulnerability? Do I have a handle on my sadism, and am I capable of balancing it with loving kindness? Am I doing this because I enjoy it, or out of a sense of guilt or obligation? Check in with yourself and your partner, and don’t be afraid to set limits based on what feels emotionally safe for you. Play only with partners with whom you know your limits will be respected. Do not equate genuine cruelty with kink.
If establishing limits ahead of time is tricky because you don’t know what your limits are, another way to ensure sanity and safety is to agree on a “safeword” for moments when things no longer feel safe or OK. In many cases, this word is never used, but there’s no shame in having one handy. The use of a safeword connects to the third and final descriptor in the BDSM ethics code.
Check in with yourself and your partner, and don’t be afraid to set limits based on what feels emotionally safe for you. Play only with partners with whom you know your limits will be respected. Do not equate genuine cruelty with kink.
Most forms of BDSM involve the creative surrender or takeover of control; however, this works harmoniously only between two or more consenting partners. Establishing consent may seem murky when people are playing out fantasies that involve force or domination, but there are many ways to ensure your partner is enjoying his or her experience. Agreeing on a safeword is important, as is respect between partners.
The idea of respect may seem confusing or even comical if humiliation or shame is integral to your fantasy. Rather than focusing on respectful words or behaviors, we can think of respect as an overall commitment to mutual safety and pleasure. Submissive partners are responsible for communicating their own limits, and Dom(me)s should be committed to the quality of their subs’ experiences. Look at your partner’s face; look at his or her body language. Notice any tension that exists for you alone or between you and your partner. Trust your gut.
I was surprised that I enjoyed much of the Fifty Shades movie, despite being a die-hard feminist and despite critiques I had read about the book it’s based on. The lead submissive character was empowered—I enjoyed her business meeting-style negotiations about what conditions she would and would not tolerate, and I often found the Dom/sub banter witty and endearing. There are definitely conversations to be had about their struggle for power, but it’s hard to arrive at any agreement about power, inside or outside the bedroom. The questions I used to critique the film’s responsible portrayal of BDSM include: “Were the sex acts safe? Were they sane? Were they consensual?”
It’s worth asking those questions about your own sex acts, whether you’re exploring kink with a new partner or you’ve been practicing BDSM for many years. With proper introspection comes the responsible use of power. Even when perceived danger is part of the sex appeal, it’s important not to blur the line between fantasy and reality. I hope these guidelines can aid you in your quest for ethical fun and pleasure!
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