If you are like many people who have been betrayed, you may be in a state of shock and disbelief and feel as if your entire world has been turned upside down. Perhaps you have always told yourself you would never stay with someone who had an affair, that you don’t deserve to be treated this way and you shouldn’t have to put up with it. Perhaps you have always believed you would end your marriage in a heartbeat, simply out of self-respect.
And now the topic seems to be everywhere—on television, on the radio, or just among others who talk about “kicking a cheater to the curb.” If you have disclosed the infidelity to friends or family, it is not uncommon for well-meaning loved ones to advise leaving right away, or perhaps to offer a spare bedroom or the name of an excellent lawyer.
But you also don’t instantly stop loving this person, and the word “cheater” does not encompass the complexity or entirety of who your partner is.
As a couples therapist, I am often asked for my advice in these situations about whether to leave. My answer is always the same: “This is a highly personal decision that is not mine to make.” That said, I do recommend that people give themselves permission to slow down and gather information in order to make a grounded and thoughtful decision.
We know from Dr. John Gottman’s research that someone who has been betrayed by their primary romantic partner very often experiences symptoms consistent with posttraumatic stress (PTSD). We also know it is unwise to make major life decisions when in the midst of a crisis and not thinking clearly. Among other things, these PTSD symptoms may include intrusive thoughts of text or email exchanges, disturbing visual images of sexual acts, mood swings, irritability, and an inability to experience positive emotions.
These symptoms can make it nearly impossible to continue to function. Betrayed partners often find themselves doubting what is real and what is not, especially when there has been denial and defensiveness from the person who did the betraying. There can be a loss of trust in their partner, and even in their own perceptions, feeling as if they have failed in their ability to judge the character of their spouse.
As with any trauma, safety and self-care need to be the priorities. Step one is to normalize your full range of emotions and pain. It is normal to want to leave, and it is normal to feel a whole range of reactions including anger, anxiety, depression, suspiciousness, and general overwhelm. It is also normal to want to stay to work things out.
Although recovering from an affair can be very difficult work, there are many times couples find themselves in closer, more intimate partnerships as a result of healing together. Mental health professionals witness this on an ongoing basis. Perhaps neighbors, members of your community, or family have overcome this ordeal and are now happier together, unbeknownst to you.
It is important to recognize you are not alone. Although 90% of Americans say adultery is morally wrong, many families have secrets behind closed doors. One study found that approximately 23% of men and 19% of women in heterosexual marriages have had sexual affairs. These statistics are consistent with many other studies, although it is difficult to gather data about affairs because of the inherent secrecy and stigma of the issue. It may be more prevalent than studies show.
As unbearable as this pain is, and as difficult as it may be to see a way to get past it, a common mistake is a belief you have to “get out quick.” It is rarely this simple. You might still be in love, have children, or be living a life together that is integrally intertwined. Whatever your situation, there is often a confusing mix of strong emotions and feelings of ambivalence.
As you are weighing your options, you might only be looking at two extremes: (1) separation or (2) trying to forgive and move on. We have learned from relationship researchers that these extreme options are too difficult for most people in the immediate aftermath of such a traumatic event.
A third option is to make the decision together with your partner. A couples therapist or other professional trained in affair recovery can help the two of you process what happened, provide education, and give you a safe space to explore your options. You don’t have to know what you want before asking for help. Much of what we do is to guide couples in the decision-making process. You might benefit from learning what the journey would look like and hearing more about where your partner is emotionally. Your feelings might change as a result.
Although recovering from an affair can be very difficult work, there are many times couples find themselves in closer, more intimate partnerships as a result of healing together. Mental health professionals witness this on an ongoing basis. Perhaps neighbors, members of your community, or family have overcome this ordeal and are now happier together, unbeknownst to you.
There are, of course, other times couples decide to peacefully dissolve their union. This can be done respectfully and thoughtfully, especially if they wait until after the initial shock of the trauma. Energy can be placed into co-parenting—if there are children—or amicably separating property, thus reducing the risk of harm for all parties.
Ultimately, this decision lies with you and your partner. If you take your time to find clarity and make an informed and grounded decision, you may be more likely to feel the sense of peace you desperately seek.
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