If My Wife Won’t Lose Weight, Am I Justified in Leaving Her?

August 8, 2014

I feel incredibly guilty for even writing this, but I am at a loss and I need your help. My wife and I have been married for six years, and I love her with all my heart, but in those six years she has completely let herself go, to the point I no longer feel attracted to her and I have serious doubts about whether she will live long enough to grow old with me. When we met eight years ago, I was about 170 pounds and she was about 160. Today I am 190 and she is 380. She doesn't work. She doesn't exercise. She won't eat healthy, at least not consistently. Her doctor told her she needs to do something, she can't keep going like this, and yet she still refuses to change, knowing her life is getting shorter because of it. Maybe she is depressed, I know that I am. But I am at the end of my rope. This is not the woman I married. If she refuses to take care of herself, do I have a right to feel inclined to leave her? I am really struggling with this. —Size Matters

I really appreciate the authenticity with which you present your situation. The guilt you are feeling for writing in—and even for having the thoughts feelings you have—is palpable.

It is clear how much you love and care for your wife. You express concern about her physical and mental health and feel fearful that she will not survive long enough to grow old with you. This suggests that you want her to be around to grow old with and you know she needs to be healthier, both physically and emotionally, in order for that to happen. That said, you can’t control your wife’s choices and behaviors; you can only control your own choices and behaviors. In that vein, I think it could be helpful for you to consider engaging in your own therapy. You are dealing with fear, shame, guilt, and anxiety about the uncertainty of your marriage. This is a lot to carry around. Therapy can provide a safe place and a strong therapeutic relationship to support you as you sort through these issues.

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From your description, it does sound entirely possible that your wife could be depressed. She may also benefit from therapy. Again, you can’t control whether she goes to therapy, but you can encourage her to consider it and ask her to do it. If you do decide to enter therapy and you share the benefits of your therapeutic experience with her, she might feel the inspiration and motivation to get started herself. If she doesn’t feel ready for her own individual therapy, maybe she would be willing to go to couples therapy with you or even just come to some sessions with you and your therapist.

Of course, it’s possible your wife won’t change, or even attempt to. It’s understandable that, if this plays out, you may consider walking away from the marriage. It’s also understandable if you decide to stay, in spite of your concerns, because of how you feel about your wife. There’s not really a wrong answer here.

I guess the bottom line is this: You both seem to be hurting, and it seems to be damaging your marriage, but there also seems to be a lot of love here. If you can each make a commitment to working through this to get to a healthier place, you’ll be off to pretty strong start.

Sincerely,

Sarah

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