Can Friendship After a Lesbian Breakup Work?August 2, 2011 • By Karen Kochenburg, LCSW LGBT Issues Topic Expert Contributor
For people who are dating or dealing with the starting and ending of intimate relationships, a certain question tends to arise… can ex-partners maintain healthy roles in each others’ lives? And if so, when, where, how, and (most obviously) why? Sometimes an ex’s role is clear; for example, a couple who has children together will most likely continue as co-parents in the event of a separation. Other post-breakup scenarios have less obvious answers. Exes can, often unintentionally, fall into dysfunctional roles in each other’s lives, such as a baggage-laden “friend”, convenient sexual outlet, or receptacle of lingering animosity. Deciding how to continue forward, together or separately, after a relationship dissolves can be tricky for anyone. However, for several reasons, this quandary appears to be particularly challenging for lesbians.
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First of all, gay women’s friends and lovers are typically the same gender, making boundaries around friendships and romantic relationships more flexible. This is a challenge unique to lesbian relationships, simply because women—of any sexuality—tend to forge their closest bonds with other women. The potential for any gay-leaning friend or acquaintance to become a lover adds a level of challenge and confusion to many lesbian social circles. It is very common for lesbian friendships to morph into a more intimate configuration for a period of time, changing the interpersonal patterns within their friendship group. If the romantic relationship ends, it is often natural for the former couple to try to return to being “just friends”. It may sound simple in theory, but the physical and emotional intimacy shared and corresponding bonds established are not easily severed. And it’s not always the most comfortable of arrangements for the exes or for the new partners involved, to say the least.
This leads to another issue contributing to lesbian post-breakup complications… both partners in the couple are guided by the emotional physiology of the human female. In heterosexual relationships, a hormonal balance is generally struck so that reactions may be tempered through differing intensities of experience and response to emotional stimulation. Meaning men are often less emotionally reactive whereas women tend to be more highly sensitive. When both partners in a couple are sensitive women, the resulting emotional intensity can create significant difficulty for the ex-couple.
An anecdotal social review suggests it is uncommon for lesbians to neatly pronounce the death of a relationship and simply move forward separately without looking back. This may be related to the neurochemistry involved; women experience much stronger effects than men of oxytocin, the “bonding hormone”, which promotes nesting, monogamy, pair bonding, and emotional extremes. This hormone is activated very easily; a single touch starts it flowing and further intimacy-creating activities (including sex) break the dam. So, two neurochemically typical women will naturally create very tight bonds which only break with great difficulty and emotional pain. Many women avoid completely detaching from an ex in an attempt to minimize the pain involved with a breakup.
An additional piece of scientific information helps explain the difficulty of intimate breakups between women. Brain researchers have discovered that emotional and sexual intimacy between individuals creates a physical connection in the brain which cements that relationship neurologically as a meaningful attachment. The evolutionary purpose of sexual contact and its related hormonal processes is to bond people together— and these hormonal and neurological operations are especially effective in women. So when a breakup occurs, the critical healing task is to break that physical bond of intimacy in the brain in order to move forward with emotional freedom and strength. While the bond remains in tact, so do the feelings associated with the loss of the bonded object: sadness, fear, anger, shame, and love. Again, women experience and process this connection more intensely than men do, so an intimacy bond between two women can be even more difficult to break. This phenomenon is evidenced by the number of lesbians who choose to keep their exes in their lives as friends or some permutation of such. Full severing of the intimacy bond requires physical and emotional distance, negative associations with the ex-partner, and forgiveness.These goals cannot be achieved with continued contact immediately after the breakup. Any true friendship or healthy continuation of contact is possible between exes only after the bond of intimacy is completely broken.
The conclusion to be drawn from this information is that after a period of separation and deep emotional healing, ex-partners may be able to occupy space in each others’ lives. Offered below are some healthy scenarios for continuing contact with an ex, with cautions to consider.
Exes as friends. Intimate relationships are typically based on a combination of shared interests and sexual chemistry. After the chemistry dies and the emotional intimacy vanishes, the shared interests will likely remain. Rather than avoiding the places, groups, and activities they both enjoy, exes may find it more convenient to develop a civil and friendly relationship with one another in order to be at peace when their paths cross. When an intimate relationship is lost, it can be additionally painful if a cherished social circle or activity is also affected. It may, in fact, be possible for exes to resume a functional friendship after each has thoroughly healed from the loss and resolved any lingering feelings related to the relationship or breakup.
Caution: Sharing interests with an ex may be possible, but emotional sharing or activities which may rekindle the bond of intimacy (read: substance use and/or amorous exchanges) are strictly to be avoided to keep things healthily platonic.
Exes as support. If a relationship ends constructively and sufficient time has passed for the emotional fallout to settle, continued contact with an ex may serve a purpose of support in times of need. This scenario can be tricky because, again, the support being offered cannot be emotional in nature. Sharing feelings is something to be done with intimates only, if healthy boundaries are desired. If, after recovering from a breakup, an ex-partner maintains residual concern for someone with whom she spent a significant time of her life, she may be psychologically prepared to help out during a time of need. It can be nice to have a connection with a caring individual in life, as the coming and going of hard times is a fact of human existence.
Caution: It is important for exes to monitor their feelings around their supportive interactions and regain personal space as needed to resolve any lingering emotions that might threaten their peace of mind or current relationship.
Exes as history. Intimates who have experienced important eras of their lives together are irreplaceable emblems in one another’s lives. Although they move forward on their life paths, retaining a connection with the past is something that can offer comfort and a sense of continuity along life’s long and winding road. Googling someone from long ago or occasionally checking in via email can be a perfectly reasonable way to enjoy a bit of nostalgia, reflect on the past, and gain perspective on the present.
Caution: When relationships begin to sour, human nature instinctively nudges people to reflect on the past with rose-colored glasses. It is helpful to be honest with oneself about the reasons for seeking re-connection with an ex to ensure one is not escaping from a problem in their current relationship or resurrecting emotions formerly associated with their ex.
Many people believe that negotiating intimate relationships is the crux of life’s purpose. The bonds of love and intimacy formed with others bear witness to the value of human interconnectedness. The memory of loved ones cannot easily be forgotten and, as mentioned above, new roles can sometimes be assumed once the intimate nature of a relationship has changed. These are tricky waters which require emotional strength and stamina to navigate successfully. Observing a new partner’s decisions around her relationships with exes can provide valuable information regarding her emotional needs, boundaries, and strengths. And noticing one’s own tendencies in this area can highlight areas of mental and emotional health and areas in need of attention. If personal growth and deep healing are desired, discarding exes as emotional crutches and severing outdated intimacy bonds will strongly support the goal of moving forward in a healthy, happy way.
© Copyright 2011 by Karen Kochenburg. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org.
The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.
Shawn CroninAugust 2nd, 2011 at 1:12 PM
I don’t think anything other than a clean break ends a relationship completely. There’s always one party that didn’t want the break-up to happen. Any attempt to keep the communication lines open is going to give them hope of reconciliation. I think it’s kinder in the long run to cut them off completely.
Charlene J. DobbsAugust 2nd, 2011 at 1:46 PM
Remaining “just friends” is a joke. It never works out because you can’t forget the shared intimacy you once had. t also makes it difficult to hear your ex talk about new loves and so on if you were the one that got dumped. Better to fade into the background and resolve to find new friendship circles that don’t include them.
Gene PryceAugust 2nd, 2011 at 2:58 PM
We only say let’s stay friends because we feel so guilty about ending a relationship and want to cushion the blow. If we were honest we’d say “let’s not stay friends” and feel much happier for doing so!
It would be so much easier on both of you and avoid any future awkwardness.
CandiAugust 2nd, 2011 at 3:33 PM
A lesbian relationship ending is like any other relationship ending, whether it is straight or gay. If the women were strong and had a solid basis to the relationship then they should be able at some point to be friends again. But like any other, if it was built on shifting sands and not solid ground then it always stands a chance of faltering.
MarlonAugust 2nd, 2011 at 7:22 PM
I have never seen this in practice but I would just like to say that women are generally closer with same-sex friends than men are and that with the right frame of mind and a good group of friends,two lesbian women can remain friends after a breakup.It’s the need to be loved that entices women into a relationship and I’m pretty sure the same person in a friend’s shoes can give a lot of comfort than by just going away forever.
lewisAugust 3rd, 2011 at 8:26 AM
lesbian relationship or a straight one, being friends after is always gonna be tuff.I havent come across a single instance wherein the two partners have been friends for long after having been broken up.its either get-back-together or go-away…even if you meet your ex after a gap,its just plain weird.
daniAugust 3rd, 2011 at 12:34 PM
“Can Friendship After a Lesbian Breakup Work?”
Yes it can but it will never be like friendship between two pals who were never a couple. There are way too many things that will come in the way and frankly, the effort that it wold take is just not worth it. And if you think the person deserves so much effort from your side, then why breakup at all?!
jordana cookAugust 7th, 2011 at 11:19 AM
And just because you don’t want to be friends doesn’t mean you have to be enemies either. There is a middle ground.
You can remain civil and treat each other more like you would an acquaintance without feeling the need to hang out together like best buddies to show how well you’re handling it all like grownups instead of blubbering into a pillow or wishing you were anywhere else but with them. If you’re going to hang out, why bother splitting up?
Eadie EvansAugust 17th, 2011 at 4:24 PM
There isn’t too much of a difference between a straight and a gay relationship split. It all depends on how you break up: if you break up because of affairs, substance abuse, violence or emotional abuse, there will always be hard feelings between the two of you. Breakups are perfectly capable of being clean with no hard feelings on either side if you simply have drifted apart and both agree it’s time to move on.
rainbowgirlAugust 19th, 2011 at 4:54 PM
@Eadie: You’re 100% correct, Eadie! I had to break up with my girlfriend because my new job’s hours and her job’s hours meant we had very few windows to see each other. After a few months of trying to make it work and it failing, we both agreed that it would be smarter to find people more compatible and not have any guilt over it.
There doesn’t have to be a big dramatic reason for separation. We are still good buddies. :)
Lisa GraceAugust 21st, 2011 at 7:25 PM
I have seen multiple relationships break up because of PMS issues, seriously. Science will back me up here if you think I’m kidding. It’s well known that when women spend a lot of time together their menstrual cycles get into sync eventually.
If two lesbians are unlucky enough to both have severe PMS at the same time, the relationship can be extremely rocky at times with a lot of touchiness and arguing on the cards every month for those days. It’s a miracle any stay together.
AutumnAugust 22nd, 2011 at 6:34 PM
Good article, Karen. The oxytocin thing can definitely complicate matters if we want to break up but can’t bring ourselves to do it, or feel a lot of pain and guilt over it. It’s such a pain to have to deal with such primal things we can’t control in this day and age. We should be able to simply break up with a girl and let that be the end of it.
paige ramsayAugust 22nd, 2011 at 6:55 PM
Two emotionally sensitive people in a relationship… I really don’t want to picture that. :) Seriously, I can imagine it being very crazy in one way and very fulfilling in another.
(She says sighing as she looks at her husband who’s glued to the TV and remembers he last had an emotional moment when the Superbowl was on. LOL!)
Generally I think it would be nice to live with an emotionally sensitive equal. You don’t see that often in heterosexual relationships. So the obvious question is, where can I get him some oxytocin? ;)
Kidding. I wouldn’t swap the big guy for anything. :)
sobaSeptember 2nd, 2011 at 8:47 PM
Lisa Grace I will back you up! I started keeping a fight calendar once to prove my theory, but got sick of it. I know without question that hormones were at play (and she did too,), but what can you do? Any attempt to ascribe emotions to hormones gets taken as minimisation by a hypersensitive premenstrual woman anyway. I would LOVE more guidance on how to navigate this inevitable aspect of our relationships. (Paige you are right on: it is TOUGH! But… awesome :)
ChristieDecember 8th, 2011 at 8:42 PM
Very interesting article especially as I am dealing with a tough break-up and this information makes a lot of sense. We broke up because of substance abuse on my end, lies on my end, co-dependency and emotional abuse on her end. I still love her so very much. We had a terrific sex life and much of the oxytocin bonding you speak of took place.
We have been apart 12 weeks and counting and have seen each other twice…once at a concert and once when we pulled over into a parking lot for a 10-minute chat and cry.
I am still bonded to her. Still hopeful we can be apart and work on ourselves and then, only then, maybe talk and see where we are. We made a lot of mistakes and are each working on ourselves right now. I see it as a win-win because we need this time to grow and learn regardless if we get back together. We can use the break to center ourselves and then reconvene to talk.
LealaDecember 27th, 2011 at 7:02 PM
I’m going through a break up myself. We were very much in love (and still are) but the timing was not right- for one of us College is ending and she needs to explore, build a career and move, and one of us has a child and is tied down.
We have amazing chemistry and attraction but the timing is not right. We have not been able to be simply friends yet, it’s going to take some time and separation. Only by maintaining minimal contact and doing happy things for ourselves will give way to the possibility of a healthy relation to one another in the future. There are just too many emotions flying around. But if the bond is strong, like ours is, it would be hard to imagine not having that special someone in each other’s lives in some form in the future. Part of loving is letting go and allowing each other to make the sometimes difficult decision required of life to adapt, change, and grow.
PipMarch 8th, 2012 at 8:35 PM
Goodness…this is so painful and so true to read. My girl left me just a week ago and I’m feeling like I’m dying. I know that I need to leave her alone; I also know that she’s very stubborn and will stick with her decision…but I want to get in touch with her. I want her back.
I can’t bear that the last time I kissed her was the last time. That the last time i held her was the last time.
I love her still and it hurts so much but I have to let her go.
So…it’s lovely to read other people’s stories and I think I’ve gained some strength from them.
LynnApril 30th, 2015 at 7:15 PM
Full severing of the intimacy bond requires physical and emotional distance. As much as you feel you need her in your life, that cannot be achieved with continued contact immediately after the breakup; can’t call her, text her, see her. Any true friendship or healthy continuation of contact is possible one day, but only after the bond of intimacy is completely broken. I tell that to myself, everyday and some days Im strong and some days the sadness takes over and my heart aches so much I can’t stand it. Only takes a song, a moment I wish I could share and bam, I slide 10 steps backwards. Its a journey that leaves us emotionally exhausted….but, you aren’t alone!!!!! We need to know that others go through this and get through it. We will,too
AApril 3rd, 2012 at 9:15 AM
Not only is it possible to be friends after a breakup, you can even be best friends. Here are examples of 2 different kinds:
The Healthy Story: One of my exes is my best friend – with set boundaries for the good of both our personal lives. We believe that this is a strong, healthy friendship (We began as friends over 20 years ago and dated for about 3 years). But this type of friendship with an ex is not always healthy, not without strong boundaries, limits and respect for any new partners that come into the mix.
The Not-So-Healthy-Story: I’ve very recently left a relationship with a woman who is intelligent, helpful, loving and a beautiful person (who has no idea what she is about, emotionally). She doesn’t know how to demonstrate emotion to a woman – EXCEPT to her ex/best friend, who (to be fair) she was intimately involved with for many years and was her first real relationship. The ‘bff’ can snap her fingers and my partner would be there, even if we were having problems and were trying to sort them out, even if I truly needed her – eventually, even when I was sick with a flu that I had picked up from her, as I cared for her when she was sick the week prior. I didn’t ask her to leave my home and my life because I no longer loved her – I asked her to leave because I knew that I could no longer trust her enough to continue our relationship, knowing that I would never come first (which she considered a ‘selfish’ need, on my part). And I maintain that I (and anyone else who is in a relationship, gay or straight) deserve(s) and has a right to be a priority in their own relationship.
This madness went on for close to three years, with no boundaries and little to no respect for either of their new partners. I love my (well, not ‘my’ anymore) woman and would have done just about anything for her, right up until the end. But our relationship only worked well when her ex/bff was doing well in her relationship with her boyfriend. When they had chaos, I learned to expect that we would, as well – whether it be from the noticeable stress that my partner would suffer (as in, by association) because of her bff’s relationship issues or because I knew that she would leap tall buildings to ‘save’ her friend, whatever the cost to our partnership or anything else that threatened to stand in the way of her playing Superman.
Now her ex has broken up with her boyfriend and moved back in to my ex-partner’s family home (as has happened before, even when I stayed there), and I’ve received half-*ssed text messages from my now-ex, vaguely indicating that she loves and misses me (among a few others, asking about what our would-be therapist has said, regarding couple’s counseling, “Thank you for all you’ve done, I’ll always love you…”, etc.). I’ve seen songs that she’s posted on a social networking site that she claims (or vaguely implies – this is one of her ‘things’) are for me, for whatever reason. But I no longer answer the texts, I’ve deactivated my online account (which I got a not-too-happy text about, the next morning – but it was for my own well-being) and I don’t believe one word of the explanations or implications that “I posted that because I was thinking of you.” I’ve even looked back at all the questionable things that she’s said and done over the last few years and this has helped me tremendously, in opening my eyes starting to let go (as I type, we’ve been broken up for about 6 days). I didn’t expect to begin healing so quickly, but the last straw was picking up the flu by taking care of her, then being told that she loves me and that I was ‘important’ to her, right before she walked out the door, to take care of another woman, while I tried to bring my fever down. Her offer to make me soup and tea and “Baby, I’m trying to take care of you” when she got home 4 hours later was just too little, too late. I’d seen the light (finally!) even before she got home that night. That was her last night in my house. I told her that she would be moving out the next morning.
I’m sorry that this is so long. I don’t mean for it to be such a long story. But I agree wholeheartedly with the article. My ex is so busy waiting for this ‘bff’ that wants her all to herself (even when she has someone else), even at the possible expense of my former partner living her life alone (which she is willing to do, if a woman that she’s involved with can’t “accept” the best friend and the ‘loyalty’ that my ex feels for her. BFF has, in the past, even asked my ex if she would still come first, if another woman came along (sadly for anyone that comes into my ex’s life, she does and she will). And my ex will not admit this to anyone (possibly not even herself). To her credit, she DID try for our relationship, when things were sailing smoothly for her bff and boyfriend. She says that she doesn’t want this woman back, but is right there waiting, when she is single again. And again. And when/if the bff goes back to her boyfriend, or dates someone else, I’m almost positive that I’ll get a call or a text or some kind of message (again) that MY ex wants to ‘talk’. But it won’t happen, not like the last time. All the loving and pseudo-sincere words in the world won’t bring me back to trusting her, to feeling what I did, even a week ago – because whatever those girly-pop songs tell you, ladies (and men, too!)… Love is not enough – NOTHING is enough to make this kind of constant heartache worth your time, your energy, your EMOTIONS. If you’ve found this page trying to find answers to this type of situation (like I did – though I’m hoping that this isn’t a very common scenario), here’s your answer:
She may care about you, she may even LOVE you. She does NOT want you – not until the ex/best friend doesn’t need her, for awhile. But even that won’t last long, unless you’re willing to do anything for her ex, like she is. She does NOT respect you the way you deserve to be respected. And she certainly does NOT deserve you.
Please don’t wait 3 years to learn this. Not like I did. Thank you.
Note: What’s incredible is that we are NOT teenagers or even young adults. My ex is over 40 years old and I am 37 (and definitely way too old for this kind of mess).
StephJune 7th, 2014 at 3:21 AM
Hi there? Whatever became of this? Do you both still talk? This is almost exactly like my situation. I am so glad to be out of it. I deserve to be first! 😉
AApril 3rd, 2012 at 9:23 AM
Correction: I un-friended her, which resulted in the not-so-happy text the following morning. Deactivating has brought no response, so far (thankfully). Maybe she knows that I’m serious about staying away. Maybe she’s waiting until she has nothing better to do at the moment, so that she can say she misses me.
But maybe I just don’t care anymore. And I like it that way. ;)
IngridJune 30th, 2012 at 8:42 PM
I was moved by these posts. I was in a relationship for three years with a married woman. She led a double life, but said she was commmitted to me and to leaving her husband when her last child went to college. When that happened, however, she was very confused and announced she didn’t know whether she would leave him, or, if she did, whether she would want to be with me. I left her alone, but a few months later she came back to me saying she would leave, but wasn’t sure when, and wanted to be friends until then and then we would see….no matter how I explained that I could not be friends after being dumped because she hadn’t known her own priorities and values, that I felt betrayed, she kept insisting I should want her in my life. We’ve played a back and forth game for four years since the initial break-up. No more oxytocin, but I have complicated feelings, even as I try to be ‘friends.’ Today, I saw her with her husband, and am as put off by her unclarity about her own personality life (no decision TO remain married or to leave it) as I am about my involvement. No, I don’t think friendship is really possible, not real friendship, not if women, or men, are being true and authentic. Civility, absolutely.
gloryNovember 29th, 2012 at 3:57 PM
well i have questions ?? me and my ex gf were together 9 years and we have been broken up the past 7 months i left for a while and started drugs and everything else you can think of that was distrctive and i came back to relitiy and came back home i am the type of person that i get very attached and when i love i love with everything with in me and she is not they type to show love or any other emotion so idk what to do or how to act we still live together we get alone dont fight or aruge but every now and the thought till this day i give her all of my money to help her with bills and asked that if i need something that she not have a problem with it and so that has worked out ok and i have asked her last night why she didnt want me sexual any more when i have been the only person to get her any where and why she wouldnt touch me and she told me she was over girls it hurt me so bad because throught my life she has been the only one to ever make me happy in every way and now even her parents have been telling me how stupid i am for comming back and takeing care of her in every way i cook i clean i pay bills and leave my self with nothing just to make her happy and keep her from been stressed and the only thing i ask from her once in a while is to have sex with me and that doesnt intail her doing much at all she just has to lay there and play with me sry if i am beening so i dont have a word but im trying to get advice and help. but she wont touch me if i ask her to rub my head anything she wont do it and it hurts me very much growing up from the time i was 2 until i hit 22 when i ment her i was abused all that time no matter who i told my family would just go back tell every one i was a lier so i lived my life quiet untill i ment her i always dreamed of finding her my grandma before she died was the only safey i had and a few weeks before she died she told me one day when i was older i would me a girl named jessica that would be there and keep me safe understand what has happened in my life and want to be with me and help me with all the problems i had and i ment her 16 yrs after my grandma died and the day i ment her i called her a bitch and we have not been seprated scince and i also have alot of mental problems such as im autistic bi polar and skitsofrenic so it takes a specail person to deal with some one like me and i found her at 22 and she has done alot of work with me i was a very abused child from 2 untill 22 sexual and i have always been every sexual with girls and still till this day im very sexual distructive i have never care who it was with or how many ppl as long as i got off and lately i havent had sex with anyone but josh and rickey and that not to ofetn josh is been 4 times in the last month other then that nothing but with jess 3 months ago and she said if i wanted a chance for her sexual i couldnt mess around so i stopped just for her to tell me last night that she not going to do anything with me but i could mess with her once while but she has to be fucked up cause she over girls this hurts me so bad i want to know how to fix this because i am the one i think that has turned her off girls but at same time she wants a baby and she has never been in realtionship with anyone but me she didnt know to much sexual when i first ment her i was her first and she was 20 she wanted to be with my brother but never got up the courgae and she not very confedent anyway since she has been with my brother and 5 other guys none of them have ever got her any where so i dont understand why she dont want me no more and is throw me away with everything i do for her i am bascitally a slave to her ever need and want but i have nothing let but this i want and need to keep her in my life when she is happy so am i. I am the type person that has to be able to make some one happy to be happy and right now i am alone i have no one sexaul or mentally physical and i try so hard to get that from her but no she wont how do i work towards winning her back i know i dont understand some thing ok alot of things but i try so hard in everything i do but if some one on here can give me some kind of advice i would greatly appreate it and im sorry if my writeing is hard to understand my mind works faster then my hands or anything else but i need help cause with out her im nothing i really feel that way or else i wouldnt give her every dollar i get and clean and cook mess with her every day not the sex part but everything else and she wont give me a hugs ehhh please im beg in some one to help me understand what i should do i just need to be love i need attention but most of all to understand
ShanNovember 11th, 2014 at 12:18 AM
I don’t think that girl loves you or cares sounds to me like she comfortable being looked after like a mom or dad do I think it’s time to leave why be somewhere or with someone who don’t love you. Go to gay bars and meet some friends and stuff you may meet the one don’t waste anymore time as much as it hurts you have to be strong.
Jay SaysDecember 13th, 2012 at 5:57 AM
i am a straight man looking for a good straight woman today, and with so many LESBIANS now it certainly makes it much harder for me meeting a good woman. i have other friends that feel the same way, and are having trouble meeting women as well. women are certainly into other women now than ever before, which makes it tougher for us men that are seriously looking. i would have never though that i have to compete with other women as well, go figure.even the straight women seem very difficult to start a conversation with, and have such an attitude problem. then again, they must be gay too.
my_eyesJanuary 18th, 2013 at 3:25 AM
Insightful and Intriguing stories..friends after lesbian relationships are tricky but possible..but sometimes it’s better to cutt all ties and leave the past where it belongs..behind you.I learned that it isn’t easy cutting the ties that bind us but being a part of someones past better left forgotten is better in the long run for both parties involved. I read somewhere that you can never truly be a friend to an ex lover because no matter da distance,time and life that has passed if you truly loved her you will never stop loving her and if you can then you never truly loved her to begin with..it makes me wonder..so no, I don’t think it is possible to be friends after a break-up..here I am 10 yrs later and still waiting for da day I can truly say I’m over her and I can be a friend once again..for now I’m a part of her past best forgotten :-)
MoonlightNovember 6th, 2014 at 8:38 AM
10 years and still can’t say you are over her? Oh my… I can see my future now.
stacy sunnApril 4th, 2013 at 11:14 PM
I recently broke up with my wife of 8 yrs. She was my best friend as well as my partner. Distance has come between us and she decided it would be best for us to be just friends. I am finding this really unthinkable. I have lost my best friend and wife. I just dont think i can go back to being just friends. It is still so raw.
Broken Heart needs RepairMay 3rd, 2013 at 9:03 AM
Really breakup is very painful for everyone who is emotionally attached to someone,you have posted about the breakup is nice,Thanks for posting this post.
diddyMay 4th, 2013 at 5:49 AM
Ive been split from my girlfriend for 6 days now after 14 years together. we still have to live together as we don’t have much money and we have debt. We have always had arguments and fallouts and sunday was the last straw. We had another argument where I said some hurtful things and told her id had enough and we were over. It was all in the heat of the moment. I regretted it so much the next day but she wont back down now.We are both absolutely devastated & heartbroken and always in tears.She says she doesn’t know who she is and wasn’t happy for a long time and doesn’t feel fulfilled in our relationship. But I never saw this coming. We both love each other but we cant live with each other and cant live without each other, she says she wants us to be best mates but we are struggling so much. We should have been going away today for a few nights in a hotel, but she has had to go without me cos when we look at each other we just crumble all the time.why if she doesn’t want us back together is she depressed and in tears all the time. She has been off work since we split cos she cant cope. Why wont she back down and we can start again and be happy
dianaJuly 26th, 2014 at 10:22 PM
i just want to say that I miss her. I know it doesnt make any sense…Im totally insane…but I just need to put it out there…I will explode if I dont…I miss you and love you even more…forever LPB
dianaJuly 26th, 2014 at 10:26 PM
unfortunately, I think its true, there is no wat you can be friends after a brake up. It is just so hurtful it is not worth the try. At the end it is just a way to say Im not present anymore….and you are
dianaJuly 26th, 2014 at 10:40 PM
all i have to say its that I love you….will always do. You will always be part of my essence. no body will be so present in my future than you are. always love you LPB
dianaJuly 26th, 2014 at 10:46 PM
hey , just want to say thanks! I dont feel alone in this process anymore…we are like a community…all hurting. due to love…so common,so individual, so devastating…we are not alone.
I don't really knowAugust 25th, 2014 at 8:46 AM
I need some help from fellow lesbians. My current gf and I have been together 8 ish months and we’re very happy. However, she has a past with her best friend, and this best friend and I have been separate from each other’s lives the entire time. I’ve met all my gf’s other friends, and she has two best friends. A and B. B is not an “ex” really, because they never committed but it was an ex lover for sure. Her ex lover ignored me for a bit (obvious reasons) and tried to win my gf over. Finally giving up, she has confronted me and apologized and is happy for my gf. The issue is, now that her best friend and I have started having casual conversations via facebook (I think 8 months is long overdue to finally get to know each other) my gf is upset that I am talking to her and for the first time, referred to her best friend as her ex. 8 months and I have only ever heard her say “best friend”. Now all of a sudden it’s an ex. She also has one on one hang outs with this girl, but never anyone else. They’re always group activities.
I do trust my girl but I’m afraid to lose her to this “friend” of hers. Anyone else experience anything like this? I’m not the type to tell her who she can and cannot hang out with. How should I deal with this situation without sounding jealous, possessive or controlling? I feel so uncomfortable with all of it and I don’t think it’s really fair to me. I have told this to my gf but she reacts in such a defensive way and I just want to back off until I can find the right words and situation to bring to her.
SarahSeptember 25th, 2014 at 1:51 PM
My girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me 4 days ago through text. I pushed her to tell me and she blurted out that we’d come to the end of the road, by text. I am completely shell shocked. She’s been working extremely hard for the last two months (90/100 hour weeks). She works about an hour and a half away normally but this job was about 3 hours away. She’s an engineer who does site work. She is completely run down from all of the work so I kind of figured that’s whats been wrong with her for the past week. 2 weeks ago she came home to see me late at night even though she had to be up at 5am. She kissed me all over, smiled and said how much she missed me. But when I asked her to try couples counselling or mentioned that it might have to do with the long work hours, she said they no way to counselling and the work doesn’t help but it’s not the problem. She said she’s not in love with me anymore and there’s no point in going to counselling when it would oly be giving me false hope for 6months or a year, when she knows the end result would still be the same.
Secretly meOctober 16th, 2014 at 3:38 PM
I have a partner before.been 4 years.she came to my life like a gift.our love to me was perfect but deep down i didnt know she was sad.sad that she no longer want to be like this and want to be normal.its been almost a week since she finally confessed to me,she been seing a guy.it hurts.because now she had found someone else.she also told me she cant change what she is.a girl.a girl that will always desire a man.and i have no words to fight her.everything she said was a bitter truth.though,she still hope she could keep me until the end of the day.as a close friend nothing more.i would want to keep it that way too because i dont wanna lose her completely.but am i doing a stupid decision?benefiting her?i am fighting with my desire and my hope.i want to have this girl for the rest of my life but i have to let go our intimacy,jealousy and all.could i even do it?i am only putting myself in a great torture.because i know i cant stop loving her.how can i even bare to see other man owning her?
MACMay 8th, 2015 at 11:37 PM
I am devastated and broken hearted. I was with the same woman for three years. She broke up with me October 8. Two weeks prior she whispered in my ear please don’t ever leave me. She is bisexual. She confided in me that s hewanted to try being with men. I stupidly said to herokay you can have a hall pass. I wanted her to see that our relationship was based on to soulmates. She came back to me and we were incredibly intimate, best friends,and most importantly, soulmates. Nobody knew our hearts like each other. I felt quite confident that we would spend the rest of our lives together. There was an age differenceI am 48 and she is 29. But we were together for three wonderful amazing years. We went to Mexico together. We went to Florida together. She has a child that I excepted to be part of my future. Two weeks after she asked me never to leave her, I got down on one knee and told her I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. At was October 8. She told me she was not ready for that and wanted to try to be independent and possibly try being with men before she made that commitment to me. It was The last day I saw her. She met a man of her age on match. She is in love with him and plans on marrying him after only being with him nearly 6 months. Needless to say, my heart is broken and crushed and I lost my future. Sometimes my thoughts get scary and futile and everyone tries to say break it off with her totally.MyFriends tell me not to be her Facebook friend. But I need to check on her to make sure she is okay. She is my soulmate. And I will never find another one like her. She is with a man now.A man she is totally in love with and plans to marry although she has been with him only five months. We had plans to share a future together but she was concerned about our age difference and even said what if I die before herbut right now my heart is so crushed that I feel like my life is over. I am not suicidal but I am futile. I don’t think I will ever get over her it has been six months and it seems like six hours. Please help and don’t give me the average advice of move. I am in therapy and see a psychiatrist due to this death of a relationship. I need some real advice. I am losing it and after five or six months I should be able to have moved on! I do not think I can make it anymore. Please help me. I want to be hypnotized to entirely forget about this relationship that took my future away.r
candyJanuary 19th, 2015 at 10:45 PM
I had feelings for a lady i worked with and the feeling were mutual. However she had a few girlfriends and i just recently divorced after 15yrs. I didnt think my kids could handle thier mom being gay. We went our separate ways. But i knew i have alwsys been in love with her. I got married again its been 16yrs. I got a new job and she had been employed there for years. After 16 yearsof being apart those inlove feeling came back to both if us. Im not happy in my marriage but shes had multiple lovers she over the yesrs. Am i stupid into thinking she can commit to me. She says she loves me and wants us to start our lives together. Every friend she had she has had sex with. We are just getting to know each other again. Can this ever work?
SandraJanuary 26th, 2015 at 10:15 AM
My ex and I have been broken-up for 4 yrs. But she has always found me no matter what. We have know each other for about 34 yrs. I have always loved her. And she broke up with her lover and asked me if she could live with me and here we r help
BritFebruary 2nd, 2015 at 12:55 AM
I NEED HELP!
Fall 2014 I transferred from my CC to a CSU, so I moved into the dorms at my school because I live far! The second week of school I was walking to another dorm building when this girl was walking away from her friends after she had said goodbye to them, I dont know WHY but I felt this attraction to her it was magnetic and I have NEVER thought of a woman in that way in my entire life but wow I wanted to get to know this stranger. Well I asked her if I could walk her to her room and she was like ya haha but my roomie told me we were going in another direction so I got her name and I told my other roomies about her not knowing if she was a lesbian or not. A week later one of my friends found her instagram, I added her I found out indeed she WAS a lesbian and she was an RA!! We chatted on instagram for a week then she gave me her number we texted for about a month and half, I asked her to hangout with me 3 different times and she refused those 3 times until one night she asked me if I had time to hangout with her and I did, after that she wanted to spend every free moment with me that she could spare. One weekend I drove home and she called me asking me if I would ever date a girl and I said yes if she was everything I was looking for and when I got back to school she told me she liked me and I told her I felt the same way about her ever since we met that night. Well she told me she had nothing to offer me and I told her all I wanted was her in my life she said we could see where things went and I was fine with that. I got attached soooo quickly and that scared her she wanted space from me and I couldnt give it to her. It’s bad enough we are the same zodiac sign so we act alike. I felt like I couldnt control these new feelings I had because I had never felt them before. Well the week of finals she was cold and barely texted me, I went home for the weekend to study and she asked me if she could come to my room and I said I wasn’t there so she told me through text that she wanted to stop talking to me and that we should never talk again because she didnt want a relationship, not that I ever pushed that on her I was so angry and confused. I kept texting her over christmas break and she got so annoyed by me and told me I made her feel so uncomfortable and that was a feeling she couldnt shake and that we could never be friends after that. I still think about her to this day because I still see her around because she is an RA. I am a different person now and I want to just start over but that last text she sent me about me making her feel uncomfortable stops me from texting her and asking her if we could start over and I just wonder if she thinks about me, I cant just feel this way and turn it off, but I am prepared to just start over. I don’t know how I should approach this because I don’t want her out of my life completely but the thing is we were NEVER together its all just so complicated and I don’t know what to do. Any advice would be soo helpful!
mariaFebruary 4th, 2015 at 6:58 AM
Me and my girlfriend will be 4 yrs this april 23 if we will not broke up. Why? Because right now things r complicated, i become pregnant and i told her about it, then she get mad but when i explain that i didnt do this intentionaly, she hug me and said no matter what, i will never leave u, this is our baby. But then she always changing her mood. I always ask her if she really accept but she just smile and said dont think about it. Right now she left me saying she will just buy something outside and until now she is still not coming back
roosterrooMarch 21st, 2015 at 10:57 PM
Extremely difficult to lose the “love of your life.” WHO ultimately was your BFF,running buddy…your everything.We don’t realize what we had until it’s gone.I was just nicely broken up with d/t various obstacles.#1 a spiritual revelation that God didn’t design us to be Gay/lesbian
#2 our 20yrs age gap left my ex the (younger) to realize she may be left behind. MY HEART WAS BROKEN AS I COULDN’T ARGUE WITH TWO FACTS.
WE WERE VERY MUCH IN LOVE, HER FAMILY VERY AGAINST GAYS.
WE ARE TRYING TO MAINTAIN A FRIENDSHIP…WE WERE LIKE PEAS AND CARROTS…NO FIGHTS 1.5 YEAR RELATIONSHIP. I WAS NEVER TREATED BETTER AND SHE SAYS NEITHER WAS SHE AND THAT SHE WILL Never know a love like ours but God and her family will never accept us.
BrokenApril 1st, 2015 at 2:08 AM
I fell hard for a woman I met online. She fell for me just as much. We began dating and we talked every minute of every day. It felt real and my feelings for her were strong, it felt like i found my other half, same for her. We had plans of being together, only problem was that she was from another country (Australia) and I am from America :( not once did we ever think of the difficulties and how impossible it would be for us to actually be together. She said she would move here for me, that was until her criminal past caught up with her and she found out she can’t :( so i planned on moving there, but found it’s also pretty much impossible since i don’t have the money or skills. She said she had no choice but to break it off with me, I was really heartbroken and still am after 3 months. We are still really good friends though and talk everyday. It is hard for me because i still want her and there’s nothing that i can do about it :( and plus she is with someone else now, (also from another country) and she got with her not long after we parted, so i think she was seeing her the whole time which pisses me off that she could move on so quickly when she supposedly loved me. Anyways, they have a chance to actually be together because she is getting citizenship in the country this woman lives. Now it’s making me really jealous -_- I envy this other woman and it’s like i hate her even though i don’t know her. I can’t help it, and when she talks about her i get really annoyed and agitated and wan’t to say something but hold back. I cry a lot of the time because i still wan’t her, I just can’t seem to comprehend that it’s never going to happen. I know i have to let her go and move on but it’s so hard. I have thought about cutting off contact with her but just can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t really have anyone else, she has become my best friend pretty much and has always been there for me when I’ve needed her. It’s so hard to let go but I know i have to sooner or later. Why must we always want what we can’t have??? it sucks! -_- I just need for the feelings to go away and to accept the fact that i’m never going to be anything more than a friend. My heart is just not getting the message! I will always have love for her…
NattalieApril 3rd, 2015 at 5:33 PM
Hey there, as I was reading your post it was like another version of myself wrote that! I’m going through the VERY SAME thing! Except for the fact that I actually moved to the states for a few months…she broke it off the day I came. We agreed to stay friends but I suspect she’s seeing another woman so we don’t talk.i unfriended her on fb because I couldn’t stand to see how happy she seem to be with her new ‘friend.’
I miss her everyday and I really hope I get over the hurt so we can become amicable. All my ex gfs and I end up having a good relationship and I want that to continue esp with this one.
I’m also totally jealous of the other woman and even tho I dont have proof they dating I have very good reason to believe they are. I’m hurting soooo bad and ita weird to hear someone going through something similar.
LynnApril 26th, 2015 at 9:03 AM
I hear you; cutting things off completely is sufficating…but I actually wrote a “goodbye” letter to my ex. I was told I should recite it daily and when strength and belief in myself begin to replace tears and doubt…I will burn it; kind if like a right of passage. I will share my note with you and I have to say…it has been helpful. “I love, me and for that reason I know I need to let you go. It’s really all I have left to tell myself when I’m woken to a dream about you not wanting me anymore…when I hear a song we used to listen to, or when I get those terribly sad moments in knowing I will never kiss you again. It really hurts to know that your heart isn’t entwined with mine anymore, but I have to believe that I’m going to be okay with out you. I have to accept that you’re not coming back. You are the one who left because you didn’t love me anymore and I know I can’t keep dwelling on it! I have to live with it and stop wishing for something I know is n’t coming true. Maybe one day I’ll find someone who’ll love me for who I am and for that reason I cant keep living the past…I need to be braver than I ever thought I could be and need to pick my head up and move on.”
starApril 12th, 2015 at 11:42 AM
Okay so,i’m a lesbain.I had my first relationship with one in july of 2014.We started dating after me and my ex broke up.She comforted me and told me i didn’t need him.And she was right,the two of us got extremely close and i ended up asking her out in September.we went out for a year,she was my first. We ended up breaking up Because my family was giving us a hard time. Only my sister knew we were together.and my mom had her suspicions. My mom also tried bringing my ex boyfriend into my life.and that brought a strain into our relationship.i really love and miss her.we both loved each other endlessly.we still say we love and care for each other.i’m trying to get her back but she has a wall back. She told me she can’t do it right now , but maybe in the future.i’m going to keep trying until i get her back.do you think there is hope? How do i get her back ?
flowerApril 15th, 2015 at 11:33 PM
Ah star, sounds like she’s keeping you on the back burner for some reason. not to say that it wont ever happen again, but ddoesn’t sound like she is avaliable to you at this time.
Go spoil yourself somewhere else for a while. Your paths will cross again somewhere if its meant to be. X
KaileyApril 18th, 2015 at 8:32 PM
My best friend of my entire life is a lesbian, when we were seventeen we had a secret relattionship that strictly emotional. After alot of nonsense and 3 years of not speaking to one another. I am married (to a man) and she still has the same feelings for me she did before.However we NEED our friendship back and we just want to know how to make that possible and make my husband Comfortable with it
PoohApril 25th, 2015 at 6:27 AM
Me and my ex gf as of a week, have been living together for 6 months.. Which means there was a strong bond and quite an attachment, but she broke up with me after she went home and saw her cheating ex, who was the love of her life, which she hasn’t seen since the break up, 2 years ago. I’m not the first or second person she has dated since their relationship ended, which is why I’m confused as to why I had to be the one to suffer the heart ache of losing my girlfriend of 6 months along with my best friend. It’s hard for me to accept things, and move on. She also stated that she wanted to be friends, but I constantly find myself thinking about her, even though she has completely moved on. It’s just harder for me because I have never loved anyone as strongly as I love her and I honestly don’t know how to move on.
LynnApril 26th, 2015 at 8:49 AM
Its been a month since my gf and I have been broken up; and its a daily battle to not let the sadness take over. Some days I win and some days the sadness does. My ex broke it off….but insisted she’d always love me and be my friend. To avoid losing her completely, I have attempted to do it…we; well I text to check in and share things that have been up with me and we have hung out on a couple occasions,but its wearing me down and I’m emotionally exhausted. OBVIOUSLY, I have held onto the hope of another chance. Well…I finally, being honest with her and myself,wrote her a letter that put it all on the line…I basically exposed my soul as to how I still care; knowing I’d get the same old “sorry you are hurting,but you have to move forward”. As much as I hate it..for me, I feel the only way I can move forward is to do it without the presence of her at all in my life right now.The struggle to do that will be very real and emorionally , one of the hardest things I’ve ever done…but I have to do it for me. So…support will be greatly appreciated
JamieJune 2nd, 2015 at 8:29 PM
I’m going through the same exact thing you are going through right now. I’m trying to distance myself from my ex gf, she told me things I wanted to hear, so she wouldn’t hurt me as much. I’ve begged and tried to get her back and she went all mean and heartless on me, told me I had to get over it and move on. She’s even thinking of getting rid of our puppy we got, it’s day 2 of doing the no contact wit her, since she told me she needs space. So I’m giving it to her, I miss her so bad. I want to text and ask about our puppy. She hasn’t even tried to text or ring me, she just sent a snapchat that of her car. I’m a complete wreck today
JoyceJuly 20th, 2015 at 12:51 PM
This is kinda similar to what happened to me :(
DiApril 30th, 2015 at 12:02 AM
I am so heartbroken and I’ve never been so heartbroken in my life. I literally can’t even move on, I mean my feelings are still intact. My girlfriend of a few months. Almost a year, broke up with me, after saying she loved me and wanting to spend life with me. She wrote me in a letter one time saying she wanted a future, marriage and kids and even if you’re not together with someone so long, you just have a strong connection and she was my strongest connection. I’ve never felt anything like this and it’s impossible I’ll ever feel like this. I don’t know how to explain but she was my soulmate, she is my soulmate and I don’t think I’ll ever say that to anyone because it wouldn’t be true, as she is the only one for me. And she left me because she thinks it’s wrong for women to be with women and it should be men with women. Before this, I was devastated because she told me she left for some guy, just a few weeks and still I was hurt and I hate for it but now I started to ask for questions because I didn’t understand how someone who says loves you so much can move on like that. Suddenly after our talk a day ago, I realise and I understand that she was confused by her sexual orientation or that she has internalyzed homophobia. She is either scared of seeing woman and woman together because of what society thinks of right and wrong, and I don’t hate her anymore. Even though it hurts so much and wants me to be her friend, she wants to meet as friend but I’ll always have feelings for her, it will be so hard to see her with some guy and thinking he is comforting her and touching her in places that I thought I’d be the only one. I just can’t deal with it at the moment and I still cry over it. I’m trying to see and date others and move on but my heart does not move on and it won’t move on. I believe I’ll always have feelings and love for her romantically. :'(
LynnApril 30th, 2015 at 6:35 PM
I hear you. I wish there was some magic words I could say to make the hurt go away. I was with my ex for almost 3 years, before she broke it off. Every damn day is a battle…some days I win….some days the sadness wins. To say the least…its both exhausting and pathetic :( I’m too strong a person to be this weak …recently, I set myself up to fall…spoke to her and basically begged for us to try…I thought if she knew, really knew how much I loved her, she would know we were fate ; I exposed my soul and she responded with a “you need to move forward with your life”. Its so hard, but I can’t stop from relapsing. I take 2 steps forward and bam…I slide back 10 steps….a song, a memory, a thought….it sucks. Know it it is a normal step
StellaJuly 22nd, 2015 at 3:34 AM
I’m recently divorced and have been seeing a woman ( only the third in my life and the first serious one). She moved here to be with me but is miserable in her job.
Recently I caught her having long exchanges with one of her exes, and then straight up lying about being with another ( and her wife)- because she didn’t want to ” upset” me ( I do get jealous and upset).
She has been pulling away, and we have been fighting a lot. She won’t commit to a plan for the future, despite talking about marriage in the past. She refers to my kids as ” baggage”. I know what Is going on but I’m so sad and having a hard time making the move I need to make. I know she has old exes in & out of her life that she strings along or miss her. I don’t know how to do this. My best friend recently passed away suddenly and I feel I have no where to turn, although I did make a therapist apt. For tomorrow. Above all I don’t want to make an ass out of myself & walk away with some dignity. I am already halfway to being an ass. Why am I still hopeful ? We have such a good time together. Great sex. But the lying scared me- she denies or minimizes it and turns around & attacks me for invading her privacy – which I did. I don’t like the person I am turning into in this situation. Any help would be much appreciated. I am a successful, independent mom of two who’s attractive & fit and I shouldn’t let myself turn into s doormat or mess, but….how??
JoyceJuly 20th, 2015 at 6:52 AM
Hi,I’m sorry to hear that..I will keep it short.since I was a kid I know for the fact that I am straight..growing up I had my first boyfriend then second then I met my husband well ex husband..fast forward we divorced..it was painful because we’ve Been together for 8 years..we ending up moving on to our lives..in fact we became good friends..then I met a girl,she fall for me ,I was hesitant coz I know I’m straight..but she showed me love,she makes Me feel special,she treated me like a princess..I fall for her. Sadly we only lasted 8 months,I broke up with her because I realized I wanted to have a family,and that consists of mother,father and kids. I realized I can’t fight for her,I will be a selfish human being if I can’t even shout to the world that she is my girlfriend,that I love her..she got hurt,yes but because she loves me,she let me go. We became bestfriends… :( now fast forward June 2015 she got herself a girlfriend.. I got hurt,I got jealous..u know why I think I must have love her still..but its too late..I’m now just a best friend…moral of my story is…if you love someone,fight for her but if she tell you enough I just wanted to be friends…let her go…you can’t force someone to love you..I know love sometimes is complicated… :(
hannMay 15th, 2015 at 9:58 AM
Hi i just want to share my recent break up with my 9 years relationship and I am gettin 26 yrs. by this year. We are classmates became friends to best friend and lover for some reason we annkunce our selves as a married couple. I am a straight because she is the only lesbian relationship I’ve had i suffer a lot of critism but I said I can do surpass this because I have her in my life. We are happy as ever but as time goes by stresses in life came out her attitude came up weird towards me. We’ve had many break ups but I didnt give up on her because I believe there is still hope for us I end up committing suicide asking my self why keep on cheating on me when I proved my loyalty and faithfulness to her. And this our last and final break something I cannot save now nor fight her self for me due to many circumstances in life because she is living now in canada and im in the philippines there are so many stories of ups and downs specially sacrifices in our lives. I end up angrynat first because i was hurt again and over because she chose to cheat on me again protecting the one she chose. Now I am just only her ex though i want to believe there is something fate could lead us together but this time for sure it wont happend now. She gave up on the idea of living together and building a family with me. I was abandoned again and hurt more badly this time. I JUST WANT TO SAY SHE WILL BE MY ONE GREAT LOVE UNTIL MY LAST BREATH because she made me happy so much in my lonely life. I understand everything that went through her loneliness in abroad and I am letting her now I hope she can finally fall in love without breaking hopes and promise to her current. Though I really want her back in my life but I cannot do anything anymore but to move on and let time and fate heal everything for me.
hannMay 15th, 2015 at 10:00 AM
Hi i just want to share my recent break up with my 9 years relationship and I am gettin 26 yrs. by this year. We are classmates became friends to best friend and lover for some reason we annkunce our selves as a married couple. I am a straight because she is the only lesbian relationship I’ve had i suffer a lot of critism but I said I can do surpass this because I have her in my life. We are happy as ever but as time goes by stresses in life came out her attitude came up weird towards me. We’ve had many break ups but I didnt give up on her because I believe there is still hope for us I end up committing suicide asking my self why keep on cheating on me when I proved my loyalty and faithfulness to her. And this our last and final break something I cannot save now nor fight her self for me due to many circumstances in life because she is living now in canada and im in the philippines there are so many stories of ups and downs specially sacrifices in our lives. I end up angrynat first because i was hurt again and over because she chose to cheat on me again protecting the one she chose. Now I am just only her ex though i want to believe there is something fate could lead us together but this time for sure it wont happend now. She gave up on the idea of living together and building a family with me. I was abandoned again and hurt more badly this time. I JUST WANT TO SAY SHE WILL BE MY ONE GREAT LOVE UNTIL MY LAST BREATH because she made me happy so much in my lonely life. I understand everything that went through her loneliness in abroad and I am letting her now I hope she can finally fall in love without breaking hopes and promise to her current. Though I really want her back in my life but I cannot do anything anymore but to move on and let time and fate heal everything for me. I will be free and choosing to love this person even if being alone.
HopefulJune 21st, 2015 at 7:05 AM
I’m in a rocky relationship right now and I’m losing hope that we’ll ever get through this as I’m feeling that I’m the only one fighting for us. We’ve been together for 8years and some months now and I can’t seem to imagine myself being without her. She gave me all these promises and hopeful words that distance will not separate our hearts and that she knows that time will come that we will no longer be apart until she told me all of a sudden that can’t anymore, that she had enough. I know she is struggling right now as she is also in another country right now for the first time, I would understand if she is throwing all her frustrations on me as there would be times that we are OK and there would be times that she will tell me to let her go. I have already attempted suicide and is now under medication for anti-depressant but I can’t seem to fight it. I’m having all these thoughts of ending my life as she told me she would be happy if I’m gone. Please anybody help me what should I do?
GoodTherapy AdminJune 22nd, 2015 at 11:00 AM
Thank you for your comment, Hopeful. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
MiliJuly 24th, 2015 at 8:34 AM
I’ve been in a relationship for almost 2 years now. I dont know if this is our final break up or not. But she’s deleted her whatsapp while i was talking with her and has shut her phone off. I cant reach her. That was yesterday. I cant think i can’t breathe im dying without her i dont know what to do. Shes been having problems with her friends and family and i cant bare to leave her alone at this time. She thinks that im heartless and careless and not enough which im not ive been giving my all to her. Constantly trying to please her. Shes my other half i cannot live without her. I dont know what to do. We’ve been having alot of fights before, but after we get back together shes all over me. Telling me that she loves me and cant live without me and wants to build a family with me. But once we fight its the opposite i could never feel safe with her but i love her so much.
The GoodTherapy.org TeamJuly 24th, 2015 at 10:01 AM
Thank you for reaching out! Please know there is help available. Talking one-on-one with a therapist can often help resolve feelings of loss and feeling insecure about the future of a relationship. You can look for a therapist in your area on GoodTherapy.org, here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html
We are withing you the best!
The GoodTherapy.org Team
SaltblockSeptember 2nd, 2015 at 3:15 PM
So what do you want from her? Are you accepting the breakup or are you trying to be friends? Have you tried giving her some space and then try to contact her after things blow over? She is not going to leave her phone off forever. What are you doing to help yourself get out of your current situation? It sounds like there are a lot of emotions and possibly drama (please do not take offense) going on, but it is clear there are strong feelings on both sides. People do not fight because they don’t care, they fight because they do care, sometimes too much.
SaltblockSeptember 8th, 2015 at 6:06 AM
I have been checking up on your case please respond if you’re reading this.
SaltblockSeptember 13th, 2015 at 1:20 PM
Know that leaving her alone in her time of need is the quickest way to end a relationship.
She may be pushing you away on the outside, but on the inside she really needs you.
If you want things over, leave her alone. If you have a love for her, go to her. It really is as simple as that.
SaltblockOctober 18th, 2015 at 5:15 PM
It sounds like your situation is almost ironically exactly as mine.
I love her, we seem like we want the same things, but we’re constantly butting heads.
There is not an hour of the day that goes by that I do not think about her.
We broken up before, and I crawl back hands and knees begging her to take me back.
I want to back so bad, but I have been the only non-crawling back to her, she has never been crawling back to me.
which leaves me to believe that she does not love me as much as I love her.
I worked very hard hands and knees to get our relationship back on track again at least three or four times.
Other than that initial fighting this woman has never bought for me. This woman has never bought fought pleaded to have me back in her life.
You don’t love us if you love this woman you but if you felt this was real love you would fight for her. You are tapping out you do not have the staying power for love. You sound like you are dealing with a very strong independent woman, and you yourself are not a strong independent woman. Let her go, you do not deserve a woman like this.
SaltblockOctober 18th, 2015 at 5:33 PM
It’s not hard to see that you are a narcissist.
Why don’t you try adhering to your girlfriends needs.
Non-verbal communication errors are very good physical it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what somebody stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about her.
But giving what you said, I would say that you already gave up and ended it.
This is a pattern that will follow you throughout your relationships this is on you this is not on her.
Wind exNovember 3rd, 2015 at 8:05 PM
Salt B has some good points and some non coherent ones, lol.
I’m responding because your situation sounds like mine, only I would not be you, I would be your ex in the situation. You say she is going through problems, the tell tell sign of wanting help, but does not know how to ask for it. She sounds like an independent person, not because she wants to be but because she has to be and has been used in the past. Again I am just speaking from my personal situations and when I read your post, your girls situation sounds so much like me. The shutting off the phone and giving you the silent treatment, that’s not what she really wants what she really is doing is she just can’t help herself because she does not know how to verbalize, or show, her weakness and insecurity to someone else. She is saying one thing On the outside and doing something different on the inside . She really does want to say that she needs you she wants you, she wants to reach out to you. Basically sweetheart, she is silently calling out to you for help. And if she is spewing angry statements and angry feelings you have to take into account the personal situation that she’s in right now. You say she’s been having problems, I don’t know what kind of problems, but are they serious problems, because serious problems with the girl that secludes herself is not a good thing. From what you have described, she is reaching out to you. I know you don’t see it this way but if you read between the line she needs your help .
This lady sounds like she did not have a very good upbringing, she did not have an upbringing where expressed feelings or emotions were OK , or any feelings at all, she sounds like she had an upbringing were feelings were ridiculed and not allowed to have them. Was she in the military of sort, or brought up in a very Greek or Italian family (I am great, Greeks and Italians basically are the same )those women suffer in silence and even if they want to share their heart ache with you, it is hard for them to do so.
You wrote this post in July I just broke up with my girl too and I am searching these sites on how to get over my ex. I’ll be honest I’ve been with a few women but I compare all of them to her when none of them stand up to her and all I can think about when I’m with things at the women I just want my girl back. I wish I would have tried harder I wish I would have done more, you can always do more. That is if you love her.
I don’t know if you already found another, I don’t think so, that would be mighty fast , but if you have great , but if you did not I think you should give this girl another chance. And if you have already moved on and left her you truly never loved her in the first place.
Because if you just broke up at the end of July and it’s just the start of November you never really loved her and it is best to just leave her alone to get over her pain.
I’m not talking out of my as% here , I went to Berkeley, I have a degree in psychology, I am a relationship counselor, I know what I’m talking about.
People fight, people fight because they care the people that go along with everything you say the people that say OK honey the people that always let you have your way the people that whisper sweet nothings in your ear the people that do nothing but talk that kind of stuff is not real. And that kind of stuff does not last forever. Love is only real when it hurts, I know that’s contradictory, but it is very true
I don’t know the whole story, I only know what you wrote but it sounds like you may have had a soulmate and you may have just lost your soulmate. Life is not safe. Do you really want to leave a person whom you’re so passionate about. Never feeling safe with someone, that is love. Love is only real when it hurts.
Take it or leave it, but I believe that you have a girl that loves you, I believe that you love this girl too and I believe there’s passion there and that you love each other and I think you should give it another go. If you don’t try, if you don’t take a chance, how will you ever know?
I don’t know, maybe you have broken up 20 30 times, if you two still have feelings for one another, you will have regret for the rest of your life for never taking another chance.
LilyAugust 8th, 2015 at 11:48 AM
I been with girl for 5 months when we broke up , while she was dating me she wasnt over her ex I think i was kinda rebound girl for her , when i told her that she said that not true only she is able talk to me about her past relationship but again she was saying to me that her heart is not in it and she was treat me hot and cold and really i didnt know where i stand with her coz she was always spending time with me during evening or wanted visit me at night time but she was txt me every day sweet txts to me like gf in all.but i started pull it off coz i seen she talks all the time about her gf and compared me to her so i got feeling that i cant become romantic with her which i start telling her that i want new gf to get reaction of her that i wanted see if she really has feelings for me. I hurted her by this snd i been hurting her with few more things that she cant get make me cum i said not with u and then later i said her that im goin to pub on my own ( it was joke ) and she broke it up with me . I tried to get back to her but she admit after 2 weeks that she is going for date .. I try to get her few more times but she said she has new gf and she become angry at me said to me to stop contact her coz i have stronger feelings than she does . So we went for no contact 3 and half months when she txted me how i am and she wanted meet me up but she was rubbing me to my face her new relationship how happy she is with her. So we went for no contacr for anothrr a month and she added me on fb so i accepted her request . By acc i started talk to her and she said she is going for hols that she needs some1 to share with . Her gf didnt want to go coz she was busy with family . So i went for holiday with her and my ex was rubbing me her relationship to my face , front of me she was discus her sex life, and everything .. Untill i found out that she wants to get engaged to her gf i went mad at her and start fight with her and i blamed her what she did to me , that i was moving on and she pulled me back coz she wanted remain friends with me . So i said her i cant be friends with her and she said that im important to her but yeah it was not enough for me. For rest of holiday i apologise to her coz she had b-day we had good times but then she was acting cold and again talk all the time about her gf so yeah when i got myself back from holiday i txt her that im heartbroken that i cant see her with another girl and yeah i cant be friends with her . So i think she had me as back up plan when her gf didnt go on hols with her she had me as second option. ? And i think its impossible to remain friends with ex gf who rubbing you her happiness to your face . It was so mean and heartless.
SaraSeptember 30th, 2015 at 1:07 PM
I am a Cancer, 32. I just broke up w/my Gemini GF of 8 months. Before that we were friends for a year we met volunteering for a non-profit. Throughout the relationship we would fight b/c she would go to Cali frequently to visit family but she would stay at her ex gf’s house. She said it was an ex from 8 years ago and the ex was married to another woman. Yet I still thought it was strange she keeps a car at the ex’s house and the ex picks her up from the airport and she sleeps at their house. I don’t think she has cheated on me, it’s more about the emotional bond b/w them that I was worried about. After months of fighting I finally broke up w/her b/c she would not stop staying at her ex’s house. I feel she chose the ex over me but she insists that she loved me entirely. It was not a secret I was jealous of her ex, they would continue to shout out “I love you!” on FB too. I told her friendship w/an ex is fine but why do you have to sleep at her house? Why do u continue to say “I love you” to her? She said I should trust her more. I am totally in love w/this girl I wanted s future w/her but could not stand hoe close she was w/her ex gf. Was I wrong? Do I just need to learn trust?
PJOctober 14th, 2015 at 12:28 AM
My girlfriend of 8 years just broke up with me. We’re broken up 2 times before. The first time shortly after we started dating. The second time, almost one year ago. We live together, have two cute little fur babies, and I can’t afford to live on my own. She told me that she thinks she doesn’t want to be with me because she has had a crush on someone else, and she interprets that as a subconscious understanding that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I still love her deeply. Someone please give me some words of advice.
CuriousOctober 17th, 2015 at 2:14 AM
Hi can anyone tell me what to do with my situation?
I know i am straight. I became close within just a month with a girl who is a year ahead to me at school. We always text each other, we go out to eat after school, we do sleep overs. One time there was skmething happened that int usual to me. I didnt get mad at her. Hence, we syill continue exting each ither everyday, as in everyday, and then we still do sleepovers we did it for almost a year and 4 or 5 months that we are together we now had endearment and that makes us offial together we stayed for atleast 1 year but on out 13th month her mother ask her why do i need to know their problem (her parents are abroad) her mother said that because they had problems at home and i said sorry to her mom because i thought im part of their problem then her mother said i dont need to be sorry. Then after that her mother got angry with her because she told me their problem and her mother said why do i need to know it. What was really my place in her life. And my gf texted me that her mother has suspicious about us, she texted me that she wants me to stay in ber life… She asked me to break up with her but to remain to her as my sister to what we were before (before we consider each other as sisters and bestfriends until something deeper had happened) i really dont wanna break up with her but because of the pain that she has and the pain that her mother is also experiencing once she knew about the something going on between us, i told her that alright i will agree to her.
We had already suprpassed a long distance relationship when she had her OJT in the US, we fight hard but we ended up always forgiving each other and forgetting the arguments.
And now that we were separated for 2 months, i am still not over her. I still love her and i cant fint someone to replace her.
Oh btw i just wanted to add that her mother wants her to ignore me at school and not to be with me again. Her mother forgave her already but is still mad at me. Before i consider her mother as my 2nd mother, but now, it seems like with just one mistake of me falling out to her daughter and her daughter falling out with me, everything changes. I cant even go to their house because her mother asked me not to until things arent yet alright. I cant even see her nieces amd cousins which became so close to my heart too because i really considered them as my 2nd family.
I just dont know how to deal with this. It’s always coming up to my mind 😓 can someone help me or give me a piece of advice 😪😔😣😥
MariahDecember 5th, 2015 at 10:38 PM
So my ex girlfriend n i were togther for 5 years we broke up a year ago (during which we had little interaction in eachothers lives) n she is now 8 months pregnant with a man that i know very well. She wants to supposedly make it work with her baby dad but they jus cant seem to find a common ground. A week ago she called me n said they were getting kicked out of her there house n needs somewhere to stay for the next month or so. I said yes. I also still have tremendous hurt n love for her at the same time. Her n i have been thru soo mich togther but this is the hardest. I have a spare bedroom n she will completely be in her own room n ill be in mine. I dont want her cuurent bf in my house n she promises that he will not be. N also says that she wants to leave him completely but i dont see anything stating on fb or within our mutal friend group saying that they have had any problems n supposedly in fact thwy are engaged. She is leaving me in the dark about alot of things. It sux. I feel lile im making a huge mistake by letting her stay with me but at the same time she needs help for her n her son to get onthere feet but dont you think that should b her new bf n her baby dads responsibility now. I mean idk om already nose deep in the mess but i dont know how to over come my feelimgs on it. Any suggestions?
HeartDecember 14th, 2015 at 10:32 PM
i love her for more than 6 years and i know she loves me more, but she decided to get away from me because of some reasons and her faith that i cannot keep her forever, but with the prayers and pursuing with my purely heart love we still together, but last month here we are again. we’re together but totally the treatment from her is dry and without feelings, she so busy texting which i don’t to whom and i can’t ask her because it will end to nothing for her. until i told myself to accept the challenge and give what she wants. but before the effort, the money, the love shes shared to me more than that i expected. until now we are staying together trying get her back but i know that is impossible to happen.
TDecember 28th, 2015 at 10:27 PM
My ex and I have been broken up for the last two months. We have broken up but I have always came running back without changing. I sense that this break up is different from the rest of our break ups. I have been making an effort to be less needy and clingy. However, I notice that my ex still see me how she see me. I don’t text or call as much as before. In fact I express to my ex I did not appreciate her coming in out of my life like she does. I notice we text each other every other day. We used to speak everyday. I notice that she still picks and choices when she wants to deal with me. I accept that we are not togather but I miss my bestfriend. I don’t want to express those feeling because feel like it will fall on deaf ears. I feel like this girl is my soulmate but we both have to change. I feel like I can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue with their actions.
MeJanuary 6th, 2016 at 1:23 PM
I was with my partner for 4 years and love her very much. We lived together but she became very clingy, possessive and critical. She moved out to her own place for a number of agreed reasons but we stayed together. However, she became more depressed and worse than before which made me pull back more and more to the point of hardly seeing eachother.
I split with her April 2015, she was in pain but I felt a sense of relief that I was released from the pressure. We remained friends but really crossed the ‘ex’ boundaries by spending lots of lovely time together, cuddling, continuing pet names. Pretty much continuing our partnership but without the jealousy etc.In September 2015 she asked what we were doing as the current confusing ‘ex’s/friend/partner’situation we had created couldn’t go on.
I asked her if she still wanted to be with me and she replied yes. So, in October 2015 I decided to speak with her about getting back together and seriously figuring out how to move forward. Before I could do that she went extremely cold on me. When I went to speak to her about us she was cold and shut me down. I told her how I felt the next day but she said it was too late, she had waited long enough, we were friends and nothing more. She then became very businesslike. I did the beg, the angry and the drunken texts. She replied cooly but never wavered in her friend demeanour. I decided to let it go and try to move on even though my heart was breaking. She contacted me every week to say she missed me and when I felt ready we could meet. 4 weeks into my spiral of dispair I snapped a message back to her that I am cool now and she won’t be getting anymore psycho contact from me. After 8 weeks I felt ready to see her and the contact between us has been friendly. However, she wished me a happy Christmas & new year and used a pet name twice. She has sent me a pic of me on holiday saying she hearts the pic and a few other bits that have confused me. They appear a little more than friendly, certainly more friendly and warmer than 2 months ago!
Basically, I still desperately want to be with her, I am confused and worried that I am reading more meaning into recent events to suit my need and actually the recent events are her just happy I am no longer up and down with my moods/pain (as far as she is aware at any rate, reality is I cry every night for her). I am scared of rejection if I tell her I want her back. Does anyone think she is just being friendly or something more going on?
January 6th, 2016 at
Thank you for sharing. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. It can often help to discuss breakups and reconnects with mental health professionals, especially when complicating factors are involved.
You can search for a therapist or counselor in your area using our site. Simply enter your ZIP code here:
Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck as you search for answers.
The GoodTherapy.org Team
RebeccaJanuary 21st, 2016 at 3:08 PM
I broke up with my bi girlfriend of 7 months..early December 2015. I know 7 months wasn’t a long time..but we did love each other and we were looking to buy a house together. She had this crazy ex who was a fair bit older than me and her (we are both 28) he was around 40. She told me he was a mistake, she told me she was embarassed to kiss him in public or show any affection, and he started to ring her a lot and basically stalk her on social media. She even cried over it because she was that upset that he wouldn’t leave her alone. Anyway things died down and we never had to speak about it again. We started arguing a bit more and I did become a bit paranoid she would leave me but she was adamant it was what she wanted. In the end she said it was not what she wanted anymore. We decided to stay friends..which I know is probably a bad idea but we both agreed to it. 2 weeks later she told me she had slept with her crazy male ex and they were now ‘seeing’ each other. It’s now January and they are in a relationship. This being the man she was embarassed to kiss in public because of his age. We still meet up..and went for a meal a couple of nights ago. She said her bloke doesn’t really like the fact she sees me but she said she doesn’t care. Has anyone any advice or any clue about what the hell is going on?
Ashu RApril 7th, 2016 at 2:34 AM
I am going through such a devastating phase of my life, I am from India and met English girl while traveling in India I was happened to be her Tour Manager and she had massive crush on me, we lived in different countries but in contact on phone and Skype for 6 months then she moved to India and after six months we realized we are soul mate and got married in England. It was hard to live in India as gay married couple so we both decided I should move to England but it took twobyearsvto get spouse visa and my prior commitments with my company nd tgesebtwo years we could not meet very often It was 4-5 months Gap but we were on Skype and phone everyday. My partner miss me so badly and came in depression and crying hysterically for whole night I was sad but could not help it. Anyway long story short after two years four months ago I moved to England. My partner seems waited for that moment so desperately but I saw her little different means less affectionate than what she used to be. It got worst day by day. One month ago I asked reason for that Her reply was I do love you but I don’t feel in love with you thisbtine being apart made me drifted apart and made me so numb, I thought when you would move My feeling will come back and now it has not happened. I was shocked and heartbroken and beg cry rage everything I could do in last one months initially she was agreed to give another try, kept being so caring and loving but I could not act as strong person and kept blaming her for changing her feelings and cry and show her How weak and needy I am. She drifted more apart by my behavior and now said she can’t cope up and it’s over. I kept asking wait little more and let me be normal then decide. She is nice to me all the time until I won’t ask herb to try again that makes her so cold and stranger. At last she said 5 days ago she is not breaking up but she can’t promise anything in future she has never been single in her life as she had guy in her life for 7 years when she was 17 then after four months she was with me. She never had singlehood and now she wants to be single and live that life fullest and once she found her that goal then she may be ready for relationship but not now.May be with me if I will be still there but no promise. When I asked for divorce she said it’s not necessary for now. I asked can you promise then until we won’t divorce we will not find anyone else. She promised me for that and said she wants space to be single and she is not looking for any relation and she can’t hurt me for that. We still live together but she ask me to move out as she needs space. I came to India for two weeks and misses her so much. I am so lost so confused pls help and advice.
UJuly 4th, 2016 at 5:44 AM
Just like the previous poster, I am also an Indian, and I need advice on my situation. I am from a country where gay/lesbian relationship is a big No No even today. My relationship with this particular person started when we were in college, started off as very good friends, and we became very intimate over a period of two years. She was my senior in college and had to leave the campus after completion of the course, back to her home in a different state. We continued our relationship thru postal mails and had regular contacts until few months after her marriage, and then sporadically for few more years. We have never had any contacts for the last 15-16 years, even though I keep remembering her very fondly. With the passage of time, I too got married to man with whom I have children and a family. I love my ex gf very much and I repent on why I lost contact with her. My feelings towards her is more than sexual and the very thought of her brings a gentle breeze to my soul, even after no contacts for these many years. I really think about how life has been for her and I feel that I should have been there whenever she is down/ low. We never had an argument on anything and I never felt this comfortable and peaceful in anyone else’s presence. I recently with great effort found where she is living and what she is doing, etc. I still remember her birthday and wedding day and now I have a means to get in touch with her. I am not sure how she has changed over the years and if she appreciates me contacting her, even though my mind says she will. Can someone pls advice me if I should or shouldn’t? I really do not want to trouble her in anyway if I am out of her mind and want the very best for her!! Pls advice.
DaniJuly 15th, 2016 at 4:58 AM
I’m in a smiliar boat. My girlfriend and i were together for a year and she joined the navy, we were doing good until about a week before she comes home and out of nowhere says that her being in japan with little to no contact wouldnt work, and the navy comes first before me, said she felt horrible for not giving me all her attention but i never asked for her attention i just wanted to try and see if we would work but she wouldnt let me talk. she wouldnt even let me call to talk like couples were suppose to do but nope all was done on a text message her way. Yet she keeps saying im an amazing friend and that she wants to see me when she comes home for leave before leaving japan and wants to stay in contact….then why the hell did we break up!? I havent contacted her since and i still have her stuff so im just waiting for her to tell me to bring her stuff so i can give it to her and tell her my emotions and how i feel before walking out her door. I cant be her friend when i know she is gonna be wild in Japan. Guess thats what i get for dating a selfish girl.
UJuly 18th, 2016 at 10:56 AM
I contacted my friend through mail and got to talk to her on phone. I really wish I never contacted her. She has alienated so much, beyond my wildest imagination. She said she follows a Christian way and other stuff. The talk was all about her and her family. You please stay away from your GF if you think she is fooling you around. People DO CHANGE over years!!
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