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Can Friendship After a Lesbian Breakup Work?

Woman eating frosting from can

For people who are dating or dealing with the starting and ending of intimate relationships, a certain question tends to arise… can ex-partners maintain healthy roles in each others’ lives? And if so, when, where, how, and (most obviously) why? Sometimes an ex’s role is clear; for example, a couple who has children together will most likely continue as co-parents in the event of a separation. Other post-breakup scenarios have less obvious answers. Exes can, often unintentionally, fall into dysfunctional roles in each other’s lives, such as a baggage-laden “friend”, convenient sexual outlet, or receptacle of lingering animosity. Deciding how to continue forward, together or separately, after a relationship dissolves can be tricky for anyone. However, for several reasons, this quandary appears to be particularly challenging for lesbians.

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First of all, gay women’s friends and lovers are typically the same gender, making boundaries around friendships and romantic relationships more flexible. This is a challenge unique to lesbian relationships, simply because women—of any sexuality—tend to forge their closest bonds with other women. The potential for any gay-leaning friend or acquaintance to become a lover adds a level of challenge and confusion to many lesbian social circles. It is very common for lesbian friendships to morph into a more intimate configuration for a period of time, changing the interpersonal patterns within their friendship group. If the romantic relationship ends, it is often natural for the former couple to try to return to being “just friends”. It may sound simple in theory, but the physical and emotional intimacy shared and corresponding bonds established are not easily severed. And it’s not always the most comfortable of arrangements for the exes or for the new partners involved, to say the least.

This leads to another issue contributing to lesbian post-breakup complications… both partners in the couple are guided by the emotional physiology of the human female. In heterosexual relationships, a hormonal balance is generally struck so that reactions may be tempered through differing intensities of experience and response to emotional stimulation. Meaning men are often less emotionally reactive whereas women tend to be more highly sensitive. When both partners in a couple are sensitive women, the resulting emotional intensity can create significant difficulty for the ex-couple.

An anecdotal social review suggests it is uncommon for lesbians to neatly pronounce the death of a relationship and simply move forward separately without looking back. This may be related to the neurochemistry involved; women experience much stronger effects than men of oxytocin, the “bonding hormone”, which promotes nesting, monogamy, pair bonding, and emotional extremes. This hormone is activated very easily; a single touch starts it flowing and further intimacy-creating activities (including sex) break the dam. So, two neurochemically typical women will naturally create very tight bonds which only break with great difficulty and emotional pain. Many women avoid completely detaching from an ex in an attempt to minimize the pain involved with a breakup.

An additional piece of scientific information helps explain the difficulty of intimate breakups between women. Brain researchers have discovered that emotional and sexual intimacy between individuals creates a physical connection in the brain which cements that relationship neurologically as a meaningful attachment. The evolutionary purpose of sexual contact and its related hormonal processes is to bond people together— and these hormonal and neurological operations are especially effective in women. So when a breakup occurs, the critical healing task is to break that physical bond of intimacy in the brain in order to move forward with emotional freedom and strength. While the bond remains in tact, so do the feelings associated with the loss of the bonded object: sadness, fear, anger, shame, and love. Again, women experience and process this connection more intensely than men do, so an intimacy bond between two women can be even more difficult to break. This phenomenon is evidenced by the number of lesbians who choose to keep their exes in their lives as friends or some permutation of such. Full severing of the intimacy bond requires physical and emotional distance, negative associations with the ex-partner, and forgiveness.These goals cannot be achieved with continued contact immediately after the breakup. Any true friendship or healthy continuation of contact is possible between exes only after the bond of intimacy is completely broken.

The conclusion to be drawn from this information is that after a period of separation and deep emotional healing, ex-partners may be able to occupy space in each others’ lives. Offered below are some healthy scenarios for continuing contact with an ex, with cautions to consider.

Exes as friends. Intimate relationships are typically based on a combination of shared interests and sexual chemistry. After the chemistry dies and the emotional intimacy vanishes, the shared interests will likely remain. Rather than avoiding the places, groups, and activities they both enjoy, exes may find it more convenient to develop a civil and friendly relationship with one another in order to be at peace when their paths cross. When an intimate relationship is lost, it can be additionally painful if a cherished social circle or activity is also affected. It may, in fact, be possible for exes to resume a functional friendship after each has thoroughly healed from the loss and resolved any lingering feelings related to the relationship or breakup.

Caution: Sharing interests with an ex may be possible, but emotional sharing or activities which may rekindle the bond of intimacy (read: substance use and/or amorous exchanges) are strictly to be avoided to keep things healthily platonic.

Exes as support. If a relationship ends constructively and sufficient time has passed for the emotional fallout to settle, continued contact with an ex may serve a purpose of support in times of need. This scenario can be tricky because, again, the support being offered cannot be emotional in nature. Sharing feelings is something to be done with intimates only, if healthy boundaries are desired. If, after recovering from a breakup, an ex-partner maintains residual concern for someone with whom she spent a significant time of her life, she may be psychologically prepared to help out during a time of need. It can be nice to have a connection with a caring individual in life, as the coming and going of hard times is a fact of human existence.

Caution: It is important for exes to monitor their feelings around their supportive interactions and regain personal space as needed to resolve any lingering emotions that might threaten their peace of mind or current relationship.

Exes as history. Intimates who have experienced important eras of their lives together are irreplaceable emblems in one another’s lives. Although they move forward on their life paths, retaining a connection with the past is something that can offer comfort and a sense of continuity along life’s long and winding road. Googling someone from long ago or occasionally checking in via email can be a perfectly reasonable way to enjoy a bit of nostalgia, reflect on the past, and gain perspective on the present.

Caution: When relationships begin to sour, human nature instinctively nudges people to reflect on the past with rose-colored glasses. It is helpful to be honest with oneself about the reasons for seeking re-connection with an ex to ensure one is not escaping from a problem in their current relationship or resurrecting emotions formerly associated with their ex.

Many people believe that negotiating intimate relationships is the crux of life’s purpose. The bonds of love and intimacy formed with others bear witness to the value of human interconnectedness. The memory of loved ones cannot easily be forgotten and, as mentioned above, new roles can sometimes be assumed once the intimate nature of a relationship has changed. These are tricky waters which require emotional strength and stamina to navigate successfully. Observing a new partner’s decisions around her relationships with exes can provide valuable information regarding her emotional needs, boundaries, and strengths. And noticing one’s own tendencies in this area can highlight areas of mental and emotional health and areas in need of attention. If personal growth and deep healing are desired, discarding exes as emotional crutches and severing outdated intimacy bonds will strongly support the goal of moving forward in a healthy, happy way.

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  • Shawn Cronin August 2nd, 2011 at 1:12 PM #1

    I don’t think anything other than a clean break ends a relationship completely. There’s always one party that didn’t want the break-up to happen. Any attempt to keep the communication lines open is going to give them hope of reconciliation. I think it’s kinder in the long run to cut them off completely.

  • Charlene J. Dobbs August 2nd, 2011 at 1:46 PM #2

    Remaining “just friends” is a joke. It never works out because you can’t forget the shared intimacy you once had. t also makes it difficult to hear your ex talk about new loves and so on if you were the one that got dumped. Better to fade into the background and resolve to find new friendship circles that don’t include them.

  • Gene Pryce August 2nd, 2011 at 2:58 PM #3

    We only say let’s stay friends because we feel so guilty about ending a relationship and want to cushion the blow. If we were honest we’d say “let’s not stay friends” and feel much happier for doing so!

    It would be so much easier on both of you and avoid any future awkwardness.

  • Candi August 2nd, 2011 at 3:33 PM #4

    A lesbian relationship ending is like any other relationship ending, whether it is straight or gay. If the women were strong and had a solid basis to the relationship then they should be able at some point to be friends again. But like any other, if it was built on shifting sands and not solid ground then it always stands a chance of faltering.

  • Marlon August 2nd, 2011 at 7:22 PM #5

    I have never seen this in practice but I would just like to say that women are generally closer with same-sex friends than men are and that with the right frame of mind and a good group of friends,two lesbian women can remain friends after a breakup.It’s the need to be loved that entices women into a relationship and I’m pretty sure the same person in a friend’s shoes can give a lot of comfort than by just going away forever.

  • lewis August 3rd, 2011 at 8:26 AM #6

    lesbian relationship or a straight one, being friends after is always gonna be tuff.I havent come across a single instance wherein the two partners have been friends for long after having been broken up.its either get-back-together or go-away…even if you meet your ex after a gap,its just plain weird.

  • dani August 3rd, 2011 at 12:34 PM #7

    “Can Friendship After a Lesbian Breakup Work?”

    Yes it can but it will never be like friendship between two pals who were never a couple. There are way too many things that will come in the way and frankly, the effort that it wold take is just not worth it. And if you think the person deserves so much effort from your side, then why breakup at all?!

  • jordana cook August 7th, 2011 at 11:19 AM #8

    And just because you don’t want to be friends doesn’t mean you have to be enemies either. There is a middle ground.

    You can remain civil and treat each other more like you would an acquaintance without feeling the need to hang out together like best buddies to show how well you’re handling it all like grownups instead of blubbering into a pillow or wishing you were anywhere else but with them. If you’re going to hang out, why bother splitting up?

  • Eadie Evans August 17th, 2011 at 4:24 PM #9

    There isn’t too much of a difference between a straight and a gay relationship split. It all depends on how you break up: if you break up because of affairs, substance abuse, violence or emotional abuse, there will always be hard feelings between the two of you. Breakups are perfectly capable of being clean with no hard feelings on either side if you simply have drifted apart and both agree it’s time to move on.

  • rainbowgirl August 19th, 2011 at 4:54 PM #10

    @Eadie: You’re 100% correct, Eadie! I had to break up with my girlfriend because my new job’s hours and her job’s hours meant we had very few windows to see each other. After a few months of trying to make it work and it failing, we both agreed that it would be smarter to find people more compatible and not have any guilt over it.

    There doesn’t have to be a big dramatic reason for separation. We are still good buddies. :)

  • Lisa Grace August 21st, 2011 at 7:25 PM #11

    I have seen multiple relationships break up because of PMS issues, seriously. Science will back me up here if you think I’m kidding. It’s well known that when women spend a lot of time together their menstrual cycles get into sync eventually.

    If two lesbians are unlucky enough to both have severe PMS at the same time, the relationship can be extremely rocky at times with a lot of touchiness and arguing on the cards every month for those days. It’s a miracle any stay together.

  • Autumn August 22nd, 2011 at 6:34 PM #12

    Good article, Karen. The oxytocin thing can definitely complicate matters if we want to break up but can’t bring ourselves to do it, or feel a lot of pain and guilt over it. It’s such a pain to have to deal with such primal things we can’t control in this day and age. We should be able to simply break up with a girl and let that be the end of it.

  • paige ramsay August 22nd, 2011 at 6:55 PM #13

    Two emotionally sensitive people in a relationship… I really don’t want to picture that. :) Seriously, I can imagine it being very crazy in one way and very fulfilling in another.

    (She says sighing as she looks at her husband who’s glued to the TV and remembers he last had an emotional moment when the Superbowl was on. LOL!)

    Generally I think it would be nice to live with an emotionally sensitive equal. You don’t see that often in heterosexual relationships. So the obvious question is, where can I get him some oxytocin? ;)

    Kidding. I wouldn’t swap the big guy for anything. :)

  • soba September 2nd, 2011 at 8:47 PM #14

    Lisa Grace I will back you up! I started keeping a fight calendar once to prove my theory, but got sick of it. I know without question that hormones were at play (and she did too,), but what can you do? Any attempt to ascribe emotions to hormones gets taken as minimisation by a hypersensitive premenstrual woman anyway. I would LOVE more guidance on how to navigate this inevitable aspect of our relationships. (Paige you are right on: it is TOUGH! But… awesome :)

  • Christie December 8th, 2011 at 8:42 PM #15

    Very interesting article especially as I am dealing with a tough break-up and this information makes a lot of sense. We broke up because of substance abuse on my end, lies on my end, co-dependency and emotional abuse on her end. I still love her so very much. We had a terrific sex life and much of the oxytocin bonding you speak of took place.

    We have been apart 12 weeks and counting and have seen each other twice…once at a concert and once when we pulled over into a parking lot for a 10-minute chat and cry.

    I am still bonded to her. Still hopeful we can be apart and work on ourselves and then, only then, maybe talk and see where we are. We made a lot of mistakes and are each working on ourselves right now. I see it as a win-win because we need this time to grow and learn regardless if we get back together. We can use the break to center ourselves and then reconvene to talk.

  • Leala December 27th, 2011 at 7:02 PM #16

    I’m going through a break up myself. We were very much in love (and still are) but the timing was not right- for one of us College is ending and she needs to explore, build a career and move, and one of us has a child and is tied down.

    We have amazing chemistry and attraction but the timing is not right. We have not been able to be simply friends yet, it’s going to take some time and separation. Only by maintaining minimal contact and doing happy things for ourselves will give way to the possibility of a healthy relation to one another in the future. There are just too many emotions flying around. But if the bond is strong, like ours is, it would be hard to imagine not having that special someone in each other’s lives in some form in the future. Part of loving is letting go and allowing each other to make the sometimes difficult decision required of life to adapt, change, and grow.

  • Pip March 8th, 2012 at 8:35 PM #17

    Goodness…this is so painful and so true to read. My girl left me just a week ago and I’m feeling like I’m dying. I know that I need to leave her alone; I also know that she’s very stubborn and will stick with her decision…but I want to get in touch with her. I want her back.
    I can’t bear that the last time I kissed her was the last time. That the last time i held her was the last time.
    I love her still and it hurts so much but I have to let her go.
    So…it’s lovely to read other people’s stories and I think I’ve gained some strength from them.

  • A April 3rd, 2012 at 9:15 AM #18

    Not only is it possible to be friends after a breakup, you can even be best friends. Here are examples of 2 different kinds:

    The Healthy Story: One of my exes is my best friend – with set boundaries for the good of both our personal lives. We believe that this is a strong, healthy friendship (We began as friends over 20 years ago and dated for about 3 years). But this type of friendship with an ex is not always healthy, not without strong boundaries, limits and respect for any new partners that come into the mix.

    The Not-So-Healthy-Story: I’ve very recently left a relationship with a woman who is intelligent, helpful, loving and a beautiful person (who has no idea what she is about, emotionally). She doesn’t know how to demonstrate emotion to a woman – EXCEPT to her ex/best friend, who (to be fair) she was intimately involved with for many years and was her first real relationship. The ‘bff’ can snap her fingers and my partner would be there, even if we were having problems and were trying to sort them out, even if I truly needed her – eventually, even when I was sick with a flu that I had picked up from her, as I cared for her when she was sick the week prior. I didn’t ask her to leave my home and my life because I no longer loved her – I asked her to leave because I knew that I could no longer trust her enough to continue our relationship, knowing that I would never come first (which she considered a ‘selfish’ need, on my part). And I maintain that I (and anyone else who is in a relationship, gay or straight) deserve(s) and has a right to be a priority in their own relationship.

    This madness went on for close to three years, with no boundaries and little to no respect for either of their new partners. I love my (well, not ‘my’ anymore) woman and would have done just about anything for her, right up until the end. But our relationship only worked well when her ex/bff was doing well in her relationship with her boyfriend. When they had chaos, I learned to expect that we would, as well – whether it be from the noticeable stress that my partner would suffer (as in, by association) because of her bff’s relationship issues or because I knew that she would leap tall buildings to ‘save’ her friend, whatever the cost to our partnership or anything else that threatened to stand in the way of her playing Superman.

    Now her ex has broken up with her boyfriend and moved back in to my ex-partner’s family home (as has happened before, even when I stayed there), and I’ve received half-*ssed text messages from my now-ex, vaguely indicating that she loves and misses me (among a few others, asking about what our would-be therapist has said, regarding couple’s counseling, “Thank you for all you’ve done, I’ll always love you…”, etc.). I’ve seen songs that she’s posted on a social networking site that she claims (or vaguely implies – this is one of her ‘things’) are for me, for whatever reason. But I no longer answer the texts, I’ve deactivated my online account (which I got a not-too-happy text about, the next morning – but it was for my own well-being) and I don’t believe one word of the explanations or implications that “I posted that because I was thinking of you.” I’ve even looked back at all the questionable things that she’s said and done over the last few years and this has helped me tremendously, in opening my eyes starting to let go (as I type, we’ve been broken up for about 6 days). I didn’t expect to begin healing so quickly, but the last straw was picking up the flu by taking care of her, then being told that she loves me and that I was ‘important’ to her, right before she walked out the door, to take care of another woman, while I tried to bring my fever down. Her offer to make me soup and tea and “Baby, I’m trying to take care of you” when she got home 4 hours later was just too little, too late. I’d seen the light (finally!) even before she got home that night. That was her last night in my house. I told her that she would be moving out the next morning.

    I’m sorry that this is so long. I don’t mean for it to be such a long story. But I agree wholeheartedly with the article. My ex is so busy waiting for this ‘bff’ that wants her all to herself (even when she has someone else), even at the possible expense of my former partner living her life alone (which she is willing to do, if a woman that she’s involved with can’t “accept” the best friend and the ‘loyalty’ that my ex feels for her. BFF has, in the past, even asked my ex if she would still come first, if another woman came along (sadly for anyone that comes into my ex’s life, she does and she will). And my ex will not admit this to anyone (possibly not even herself). To her credit, she DID try for our relationship, when things were sailing smoothly for her bff and boyfriend. She says that she doesn’t want this woman back, but is right there waiting, when she is single again. And again. And when/if the bff goes back to her boyfriend, or dates someone else, I’m almost positive that I’ll get a call or a text or some kind of message (again) that MY ex wants to ‘talk’. But it won’t happen, not like the last time. All the loving and pseudo-sincere words in the world won’t bring me back to trusting her, to feeling what I did, even a week ago – because whatever those girly-pop songs tell you, ladies (and men, too!)… Love is not enough – NOTHING is enough to make this kind of constant heartache worth your time, your energy, your EMOTIONS. If you’ve found this page trying to find answers to this type of situation (like I did – though I’m hoping that this isn’t a very common scenario), here’s your answer:

    She may care about you, she may even LOVE you. She does NOT want you – not until the ex/best friend doesn’t need her, for awhile. But even that won’t last long, unless you’re willing to do anything for her ex, like she is. She does NOT respect you the way you deserve to be respected. And she certainly does NOT deserve you.

    Please don’t wait 3 years to learn this. Not like I did. Thank you.

    Note: What’s incredible is that we are NOT teenagers or even young adults. My ex is over 40 years old and I am 37 (and definitely way too old for this kind of mess).

  • A April 3rd, 2012 at 9:23 AM #19

    Correction: I un-friended her, which resulted in the not-so-happy text the following morning. Deactivating has brought no response, so far (thankfully). Maybe she knows that I’m serious about staying away. Maybe she’s waiting until she has nothing better to do at the moment, so that she can say she misses me.

    But maybe I just don’t care anymore. And I like it that way. ;)

  • Ingrid June 30th, 2012 at 8:42 PM #20

    I was moved by these posts. I was in a relationship for three years with a married woman. She led a double life, but said she was commmitted to me and to leaving her husband when her last child went to college. When that happened, however, she was very confused and announced she didn’t know whether she would leave him, or, if she did, whether she would want to be with me. I left her alone, but a few months later she came back to me saying she would leave, but wasn’t sure when, and wanted to be friends until then and then we would see….no matter how I explained that I could not be friends after being dumped because she hadn’t known her own priorities and values, that I felt betrayed, she kept insisting I should want her in my life. We’ve played a back and forth game for four years since the initial break-up. No more oxytocin, but I have complicated feelings, even as I try to be ‘friends.’ Today, I saw her with her husband, and am as put off by her unclarity about her own personality life (no decision TO remain married or to leave it) as I am about my involvement. No, I don’t think friendship is really possible, not real friendship, not if women, or men, are being true and authentic. Civility, absolutely.

  • glory November 29th, 2012 at 3:57 PM #21

    well i have questions ?? me and my ex gf were together 9 years and we have been broken up the past 7 months i left for a while and started drugs and everything else you can think of that was distrctive and i came back to relitiy and came back home i am the type of person that i get very attached and when i love i love with everything with in me and she is not they type to show love or any other emotion so idk what to do or how to act we still live together we get alone dont fight or aruge but every now and the thought till this day i give her all of my money to help her with bills and asked that if i need something that she not have a problem with it and so that has worked out ok and i have asked her last night why she didnt want me sexual any more when i have been the only person to get her any where and why she wouldnt touch me and she told me she was over girls it hurt me so bad because throught my life she has been the only one to ever make me happy in every way and now even her parents have been telling me how stupid i am for comming back and takeing care of her in every way i cook i clean i pay bills and leave my self with nothing just to make her happy and keep her from been stressed and the only thing i ask from her once in a while is to have sex with me and that doesnt intail her doing much at all she just has to lay there and play with me sry if i am beening so i dont have a word but im trying to get advice and help. but she wont touch me if i ask her to rub my head anything she wont do it and it hurts me very much growing up from the time i was 2 until i hit 22 when i ment her i was abused all that time no matter who i told my family would just go back tell every one i was a lier so i lived my life quiet untill i ment her i always dreamed of finding her my grandma before she died was the only safey i had and a few weeks before she died she told me one day when i was older i would me a girl named jessica that would be there and keep me safe understand what has happened in my life and want to be with me and help me with all the problems i had and i ment her 16 yrs after my grandma died and the day i ment her i called her a bitch and we have not been seprated scince and i also have alot of mental problems such as im autistic bi polar and skitsofrenic so it takes a specail person to deal with some one like me and i found her at 22 and she has done alot of work with me i was a very abused child from 2 untill 22 sexual and i have always been every sexual with girls and still till this day im very sexual distructive i have never care who it was with or how many ppl as long as i got off and lately i havent had sex with anyone but josh and rickey and that not to ofetn josh is been 4 times in the last month other then that nothing but with jess 3 months ago and she said if i wanted a chance for her sexual i couldnt mess around so i stopped just for her to tell me last night that she not going to do anything with me but i could mess with her once while but she has to be fucked up cause she over girls this hurts me so bad i want to know how to fix this because i am the one i think that has turned her off girls but at same time she wants a baby and she has never been in realtionship with anyone but me she didnt know to much sexual when i first ment her i was her first and she was 20 she wanted to be with my brother but never got up the courgae and she not very confedent anyway since she has been with my brother and 5 other guys none of them have ever got her any where so i dont understand why she dont want me no more and is throw me away with everything i do for her i am bascitally a slave to her ever need and want but i have nothing let but this i want and need to keep her in my life when she is happy so am i. I am the type person that has to be able to make some one happy to be happy and right now i am alone i have no one sexaul or mentally physical and i try so hard to get that from her but no she wont how do i work towards winning her back i know i dont understand some thing ok alot of things but i try so hard in everything i do but if some one on here can give me some kind of advice i would greatly appreate it and im sorry if my writeing is hard to understand my mind works faster then my hands or anything else but i need help cause with out her im nothing i really feel that way or else i wouldnt give her every dollar i get and clean and cook mess with her every day not the sex part but everything else and she wont give me a hugs ehhh please im beg in some one to help me understand what i should do i just need to be love i need attention but most of all to understand

  • Jay Says December 13th, 2012 at 5:57 AM #22

    i am a straight man looking for a good straight woman today, and with so many LESBIANS now it certainly makes it much harder for me meeting a good woman. i have other friends that feel the same way, and are having trouble meeting women as well. women are certainly into other women now than ever before, which makes it tougher for us men that are seriously looking. i would have never though that i have to compete with other women as well, go figure.even the straight women seem very difficult to start a conversation with, and have such an attitude problem. then again, they must be gay too.

  • my_eyes January 18th, 2013 at 3:25 AM #23

    Insightful and Intriguing stories..friends after lesbian relationships are tricky but possible..but sometimes it’s better to cutt all ties and leave the past where it belongs..behind you.I learned that it isn’t easy cutting the ties that bind us but being a part of someones past better left forgotten is better in the long run for both parties involved. I read somewhere that you can never truly be a friend to an ex lover because no matter da distance,time and life that has passed if you truly loved her you will never stop loving her and if you can then you never truly loved her to begin with..it makes me wonder..so no, I don’t think it is possible to be friends after a break-up..here I am 10 yrs later and still waiting for da day I can truly say I’m over her and I can be a friend once again..for now I’m a part of her past best forgotten :-)

  • stacy sunn April 4th, 2013 at 11:14 PM #24

    I recently broke up with my wife of 8 yrs. She was my best friend as well as my partner. Distance has come between us and she decided it would be best for us to be just friends. I am finding this really unthinkable. I have lost my best friend and wife. I just dont think i can go back to being just friends. It is still so raw.

  • Broken Heart needs Repair May 3rd, 2013 at 9:03 AM #25

    Really breakup is very painful for everyone who is emotionally attached to someone,you have posted about the breakup is nice,Thanks for posting this post.

  • diddy May 4th, 2013 at 5:49 AM #26

    Ive been split from my girlfriend for 6 days now after 14 years together. we still have to live together as we don’t have much money and we have debt. We have always had arguments and fallouts and sunday was the last straw. We had another argument where I said some hurtful things and told her id had enough and we were over. It was all in the heat of the moment. I regretted it so much the next day but she wont back down now.We are both absolutely devastated & heartbroken and always in tears.She says she doesn’t know who she is and wasn’t happy for a long time and doesn’t feel fulfilled in our relationship. But I never saw this coming. We both love each other but we cant live with each other and cant live without each other, she says she wants us to be best mates but we are struggling so much. We should have been going away today for a few nights in a hotel, but she has had to go without me cos when we look at each other we just crumble all the time.why if she doesn’t want us back together is she depressed and in tears all the time. She has been off work since we split cos she cant cope. Why wont she back down and we can start again and be happy

  • Steph June 7th, 2014 at 3:21 AM #27

    Hi there? Whatever became of this? Do you both still talk? This is almost exactly like my situation. I am so glad to be out of it. I deserve to be first! 😉

  • diana July 26th, 2014 at 10:22 PM #28

    i just want to say that I miss her. I know it doesnt make any sense…Im totally insane…but I just need to put it out there…I will explode if I dont…I miss you and love you even more…forever LPB

  • diana July 26th, 2014 at 10:26 PM #29

    unfortunately, I think its true, there is no wat you can be friends after a brake up. It is just so hurtful it is not worth the try. At the end it is just a way to say Im not present anymore….and you are

  • diana July 26th, 2014 at 10:40 PM #30

    all i have to say its that I love you….will always do. You will always be part of my essence. no body will be so present in my future than you are. always love you LPB

  • diana July 26th, 2014 at 10:46 PM #31

    hey , just want to say thanks! I dont feel alone in this process anymore…we are like a community…all hurting. due to love…so common,so individual, so devastating…we are not alone.

  • I don't really know August 25th, 2014 at 8:46 AM #32

    I need some help from fellow lesbians. My current gf and I have been together 8 ish months and we’re very happy. However, she has a past with her best friend, and this best friend and I have been separate from each other’s lives the entire time. I’ve met all my gf’s other friends, and she has two best friends. A and B. B is not an “ex” really, because they never committed but it was an ex lover for sure. Her ex lover ignored me for a bit (obvious reasons) and tried to win my gf over. Finally giving up, she has confronted me and apologized and is happy for my gf. The issue is, now that her best friend and I have started having casual conversations via facebook (I think 8 months is long overdue to finally get to know each other) my gf is upset that I am talking to her and for the first time, referred to her best friend as her ex. 8 months and I have only ever heard her say “best friend”. Now all of a sudden it’s an ex. She also has one on one hang outs with this girl, but never anyone else. They’re always group activities.

    I do trust my girl but I’m afraid to lose her to this “friend” of hers. Anyone else experience anything like this? I’m not the type to tell her who she can and cannot hang out with. How should I deal with this situation without sounding jealous, possessive or controlling? I feel so uncomfortable with all of it and I don’t think it’s really fair to me. I have told this to my gf but she reacts in such a defensive way and I just want to back off until I can find the right words and situation to bring to her.

  • Sarah September 25th, 2014 at 1:51 PM #33

    My girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me 4 days ago through text. I pushed her to tell me and she blurted out that we’d come to the end of the road, by text. I am completely shell shocked. She’s been working extremely hard for the last two months (90/100 hour weeks). She works about an hour and a half away normally but this job was about 3 hours away. She’s an engineer who does site work. She is completely run down from all of the work so I kind of figured that’s whats been wrong with her for the past week. 2 weeks ago she came home to see me late at night even though she had to be up at 5am. She kissed me all over, smiled and said how much she missed me. But when I asked her to try couples counselling or mentioned that it might have to do with the long work hours, she said they no way to counselling and the work doesn’t help but it’s not the problem. She said she’s not in love with me anymore and there’s no point in going to counselling when it would oly be giving me false hope for 6months or a year, when she knows the end result would still be the same.

  • Secretly me October 16th, 2014 at 3:38 PM #34

    I have a partner before.been 4 years.she came to my life like a gift.our love to me was perfect but deep down i didnt know she was sad.sad that she no longer want to be like this and want to be normal.its been almost a week since she finally confessed to me,she been seing a guy.it hurts.because now she had found someone else.she also told me she cant change what she is.a girl.a girl that will always desire a man.and i have no words to fight her.everything she said was a bitter truth.though,she still hope she could keep me until the end of the day.as a close friend nothing more.i would want to keep it that way too because i dont wanna lose her completely.but am i doing a stupid decision?benefiting her?i am fighting with my desire and my hope.i want to have this girl for the rest of my life but i have to let go our intimacy,jealousy and all.could i even do it?i am only putting myself in a great torture.because i know i cant stop loving her.how can i even bare to see other man owning her?

  • Moonlight November 6th, 2014 at 8:38 AM #35

    10 years and still can’t say you are over her? Oh my… I can see my future now.

  • Shan November 11th, 2014 at 12:18 AM #36

    I don’t think that girl loves you or cares sounds to me like she comfortable being looked after like a mom or dad do I think it’s time to leave why be somewhere or with someone who don’t love you. Go to gay bars and meet some friends and stuff you may meet the one don’t waste anymore time as much as it hurts you have to be strong.

  • candy January 19th, 2015 at 10:45 PM #37

    I had feelings for a lady i worked with and the feeling were mutual. However she had a few girlfriends and i just recently divorced after 15yrs. I didnt think my kids could handle thier mom being gay. We went our separate ways. But i knew i have alwsys been in love with her. I got married again its been 16yrs. I got a new job and she had been employed there for years. After 16 yearsof being apart those inlove feeling came back to both if us. Im not happy in my marriage but shes had multiple lovers she over the yesrs. Am i stupid into thinking she can commit to me. She says she loves me and wants us to start our lives together. Every friend she had she has had sex with. We are just getting to know each other again. Can this ever work?

  • Sandra January 26th, 2015 at 10:15 AM #38

    My ex and I have been broken-up for 4 yrs. But she has always found me no matter what. We have know each other for about 34 yrs. I have always loved her. And she broke up with her lover and asked me if she could live with me and here we r help

  • Brit February 2nd, 2015 at 12:55 AM #39

    Fall 2014 I transferred from my CC to a CSU, so I moved into the dorms at my school because I live far! The second week of school I was walking to another dorm building when this girl was walking away from her friends after she had said goodbye to them, I dont know WHY but I felt this attraction to her it was magnetic and I have NEVER thought of a woman in that way in my entire life but wow I wanted to get to know this stranger. Well I asked her if I could walk her to her room and she was like ya haha but my roomie told me we were going in another direction so I got her name and I told my other roomies about her not knowing if she was a lesbian or not. A week later one of my friends found her instagram, I added her I found out indeed she WAS a lesbian and she was an RA!! We chatted on instagram for a week then she gave me her number we texted for about a month and half, I asked her to hangout with me 3 different times and she refused those 3 times until one night she asked me if I had time to hangout with her and I did, after that she wanted to spend every free moment with me that she could spare. One weekend I drove home and she called me asking me if I would ever date a girl and I said yes if she was everything I was looking for and when I got back to school she told me she liked me and I told her I felt the same way about her ever since we met that night. Well she told me she had nothing to offer me and I told her all I wanted was her in my life she said we could see where things went and I was fine with that. I got attached soooo quickly and that scared her she wanted space from me and I couldnt give it to her. It’s bad enough we are the same zodiac sign so we act alike. I felt like I couldnt control these new feelings I had because I had never felt them before. Well the week of finals she was cold and barely texted me, I went home for the weekend to study and she asked me if she could come to my room and I said I wasn’t there so she told me through text that she wanted to stop talking to me and that we should never talk again because she didnt want a relationship, not that I ever pushed that on her I was so angry and confused. I kept texting her over christmas break and she got so annoyed by me and told me I made her feel so uncomfortable and that was a feeling she couldnt shake and that we could never be friends after that. I still think about her to this day because I still see her around because she is an RA. I am a different person now and I want to just start over but that last text she sent me about me making her feel uncomfortable stops me from texting her and asking her if we could start over and I just wonder if she thinks about me, I cant just feel this way and turn it off, but I am prepared to just start over. I don’t know how I should approach this because I don’t want her out of my life completely but the thing is we were NEVER together its all just so complicated and I don’t know what to do. Any advice would be soo helpful!

  • maria February 4th, 2015 at 6:58 AM #40

    Me and my girlfriend will be 4 yrs this april 23 if we will not broke up. Why? Because right now things r complicated, i become pregnant and i told her about it, then she get mad but when i explain that i didnt do this intentionaly, she hug me and said no matter what, i will never leave u, this is our baby. But then she always changing her mood. I always ask her if she really accept but she just smile and said dont think about it. Right now she left me saying she will just buy something outside and until now she is still not coming back


  • roosterroo March 21st, 2015 at 10:57 PM #41

    Extremely difficult to lose the “love of your life.” WHO ultimately was your BFF,running buddy…your everything.We don’t realize what we had until it’s gone.I was just nicely broken up with d/t various obstacles.#1 a spiritual revelation that God didn’t design us to be Gay/lesbian
    #2 our 20yrs age gap left my ex the (younger) to realize she may be left behind. MY HEART WAS BROKEN AS I COULDN’T ARGUE WITH TWO FACTS.

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