Healthy space can support closeness, individual interests, and communication in romantic relationships.

It may seem counterintuitive because romantic relationships are about intimacy and closeness, but what they really need to thrive and flourish is space. Happy, romantic relationships need space or one or both partners can feel suffocated, controlled, and dominated.

Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel discusses this topic extensively both in Ted Talks and her book Mating in Captivity. She found on the one hand, humans need security, predictability, and safety. On the other, they need adventure, novelty, and mystery. "Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness."

In other words, people need space to be themselves and space to be apart. Space is respectful and can keep sex appealing and exciting. In fact, research shows that happy couples tend to be more transparent with each other, but 87% of those in good relationships also maintain some private activities, suggesting that healthy privacy boundaries actually strengthen relationships.

Recent research supports these findings. Sleep specialist Dr. Wendy Troxel has found that many couples who sleep apart remain happy, provided they continue to nurture intimacy and communication. Additionally, a 2024 survey from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine reveals that 29% of Americans have opted to sleep in another bed or space to accommodate a bed partner.

Space simply means allowing each person to be themself

Space can help a relationship withstand the test of time, if that's what the partners want and desire. However, not all relationships are meant to last "forever." It's fine if they expire. The death/rebirth cycle of life is ever present, even in relationships, and accepting the transience of it all is appropriate.

There are some creative ways to create space in your romantic relationship. Before we get into that, I'll explain why you may consider space in your relationship. It's important to note that creating and having space is not to be away from your partner, nor does it mean you love them any less. But it does mean you have your own interests to pursue, you are a separate person who chooses daily to be in a relationship, and you value yourself as a person as well as you both together as a couple, simultaneously.

You are still your own person and it's important to remember that when in relationship. Taking space could be something as simple as watching different Netflix shows or going for a walk alone. Taking space means allowing room for each of you to be separate people with your own interests, lives, and friends. Do you do everything together? Are your partner's friends your friends? Some overlap is understandable but it's important that each of you have friends that are just yours. That creates room for unfiltered sharing without worrying what will "get back" to your partner.

Oftentimes being around different people allows for different parts of ourselves to come forth. We shine in different ways around different people. When people in long-term relationships are able to keep personal parts of themselves private, this creates a sense of space and privacy. Respecting boundaries in this way actually results in a healthier relationship because both members feel they have physical and emotional privacy. If you are always with your partner, it's easier to get lost in that togetherness and forget who you are. Also, not all your friends want to also be friends with your partner.

Why creating “sleeping space” might be an option

While some people view sleeping in separate beds as a sign the relationship is in trouble, I'm a big proponent of it for couples. Even if it's just once a week, that separation can do wonders for the connection in the relationship for multiple reasons:

New research from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine reveals that more than a third of Americans choose to "sleep divorce" their partners, reflecting a growing trend among couples to prioritize sleep quality. Sleep researcher Dr. Wendy Troxel has found that many couples who sleep apart remain happy, provided they continue to nurture intimacy and communication.

• Physical space creates connection: It creates physical space, a little "vacation" from one another, and provides the opportunity to talk about how you slept and also your dreams. Sharing your dreams is very intimate!
• Better sleep quality: Research shows that 70% of people believe their sleep quality has increased as a result of sleeping in a separate bed from their partner. Sleeping separately improved sleep quality and reduced stress. If you're disrupting each other's sleep because one of you has to go to the bathroom at night, and/or the other hogs the covers, the quality of your sleep will be poor and that can lead to crankiness and resentment in the relationship. The thinking goes, "I wouldn't be so tired if only you didn't XYZ."
• Intentional intimacy: Sleeping separately can create more intentionality regarding sex. Instead of a presumption or a constant question about whether sex will happen, sleeping separately can create an open conversation about it. Both partners are carving out space for sex because they've talked about it and agreed upon it in advance. As sleep scientists suggest, use honest communication to find solutions that maximize sleep quality for both of you, and think of it not as a sleep divorce but as forging a sleep alliance.

Results reveal that 42% of those who sleep separately from their partner believe it's "rejuvenated" their relationship — and 23% believe it's also improved their sex life with their partner.

With all the research shared above, it can be tempting to give "sleep divorce" a shot. But the word "divorce" itself is a signal to tread carefully. If only one partner feels this might be necessary, raising it without care risks communicating that something is wrong with the other person – that they are a problem to be solved or escape. Communication becomes key when exploring such an idea. Here are some important things to keep in mind when bringing it up:


• Frame it as a collective gain, not an individual escape. This is a decision for the relationship, not just for the person proposing it. Both partners need to genuinely agree, not simply give in, for it to serve its intended purpose.

• It does not have to be permanent. Treat it as an experiment rather than a verdict. Trying it for a night or two, with a check-in planned afterward, makes it feel far less like a door closing and more like one opening.

• Name what you hope to gain, not what you want to get away from. There is a significant difference between "I think we'd both feel more rested and present with each other" and "I can't sleep with you next to me." How the idea is introduced shapes how it is received – leading with the positive vision for the relationship softens what could otherwise feel like a rejection.

• Revisit the conversation regularly. A sleeping arrangement that works in one season of a relationship may not work in another. Keeping the channel open – checking in on whether both partners still feel good about it, or whether needs have shifted – ensures that a temporary experiment doesn't quietly become a permanent distance neither person consciously chose.

If you have tried adding a lot of things to make your relationship more fun and exciting but still feels your relationship feels dull and too filled with the mundane realities of being together, ("What are we having for dinner? Did you empty the dishwasher?") try adding in space. It could do wonders for your relationship.

My partner asked me for space. What do they mean? What should I do?

Having read about the benefits of space is great, but it is natural to feel taken aback if this request from your partner comes out of no where. Such experiences are common yet can be unsettling.

What it might mean

"Space" means different things to different people and different couples. It could mean they're feeling overwhelmed — by the relationship, by life stress, or both. It could mean they need time to process something internally before they can show up fully. It doesn't automatically mean the relationship is in trouble, though it does mean something needs attention.

What to do

The most important first step is to ask, calmly and without pressure, what "space" means to them specifically. Space from constant communication? From shared living? From emotional intensity? Without that clarity, you risk either crowding them or pulling back so much that they feel abandoned.

Once you understand what they're asking for, try to honour it – even if it's uncomfortable. Respecting the request, rather than negotiating against it, tends to rebuild trust faster than any amount of reassurance.

It's also worth reflecting honestly on whether there are patterns in the relationship that may have contributed to them feeling this way. Not to spiral into self-blame, but because that awareness will matter when you do reconnect.

What not to do

Avoid interpreting silence as confirmation of your worst fears and reacting from that place. Repeated check-ins, reassurance-seeking, or pushing for immediate resolution usually has the opposite effect of what's intended.


It is important to note though, that if this feels like a pattern, or if the request for space comes with very little explanation and leaves you feeling chronically anxious, that's worth exploring with a therapist, individually or together. Space can be healthy; ongoing ambiguity is harder to sit with and worth addressing directly.

References

1. American Academy of Sleep Medicine. (2024). Americans opting for 'sleep divorce' to accommodate a bed partner. AASM Survey Results. https://aasm.org/americans-opting-sleep-divorce-accommodate-bed-partner/
2. Naturepedic. (2025). Study: Are couples who sleep in separate beds actually happier? Sleep and Relationship Research. https://www.naturepedic.com/couple-sleep-together-study
3. Perel, E. (2013). The secret to desire in a long-term relationship. TED Talk. https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship?language=en
4. StudyFinds. (2024). Should separate beds make a comeback? 48% sleep better without their partner. Sleep Research Summary. https://studyfinds.org/separate-beds-comeback/
5. Troxel, W. (2025). Sleep divorce research findings. In Love What Matters. https://www.lovewhatmatters.com/sleep-divorce-couples-separate-beds/
6. University of Wroclaw. (2025). Creating space for desire in relationships. Ambiance Matchmaking Research. https://ambiancematchmaking.com/blog-articles/creating-desire-space/
7. Kaspersky Lab. (2018). Connected love: Privacy in relationships and the boundaries of personal space. Global Relationship Survey. https://www.kaspersky.com/blog/connected-love-privacy-report/