Now that you understand how codependency develops in a family surrounding a dysfunctional person, what are you supposed to do next?

Many people have said to me in therapy, “Joyce, now that I understand where my fear of abandonment comes from, how do I stop being so scared of it that I mess up my relationships?”

You can learn to do this, but it certainly isn’t easy. As you go through this series of codependency workbook articles, you may feel uneasy when you try on new behaviors. It’s okay. Try to give yourself permission to be awkward. You don’t have to do everything perfectly. Ideally, you have a therapist available to you or, at minimum, a 12-step program and a supportive friend.

The first step in my series of workbook exercises is to write out or to record a statement about how your family is dysfunctional. I know that you do not wish to dwell in the past, nor do I wish to bring up so many painful memories for you. However, to begin your healing, it is important to face some of the things that you have successfully survived. Denial or constricting your feelings will not help you get to where you want to go.

Try to answer some of these questions in writing:

1. How is your family dysfunctional? Is there addiction, mental illness, physical illness, poverty, sexual abuse, something else, or a combination of these things?
2. Is it one or both parents? Stepparents?
3. Were your parents able to assume most of the normal parental duties? If not, did they get done? If so, who did them? If not, how did that affect you?
4. Did odd things happen that you began to see as normal? If so, what?
5. Were you afraid to have friends over? Did your parent(s) ever embarrass, scare, or anger you?
6. Did family members walk on eggshells to try to avoid an explosion? If so, did they happen anyway?

Okay, I think you get the idea. Some people choose to write their family history in the form of a letter to their parent or guardian. You don’t necessarily have to send it. You can revise it, and it will at least help you begin the process of identifying your feelings. People who are codependent usually learn to constrict their feelings in a vain attempt to keep everything calm. When people write out or record their histories, they often feel angry, sad, scared, and/or hurt.

If you share those painful feelings with your therapist, your sponsor, or a supportive friend, you will find that after letting them out, you will feel some relief. Yes, it is painful, but avoiding it is even more painful in the long run.

If there were a website where people could post their family histories, you would find out that there would be many similar stories. You would realize that you are not alone. Those of you who have found your way to a 12-step program like Al-Anon or Codependents Anonymous already know this. Isn’t it a relief?

Take out a sheet of paper or a notebook or a computer and start writing your family history. If you choose to do this in the form of a letter, then tell them that you are writing this letter to let them know what it was like for you to grow up in your home with them. Or, if you prefer, start with a title like “Growing up in my family.”

If hope is the thing with feathers, as Emily Dickenson said, then trust floats on gossamer wings.

Most people lose that child-like trust with the end of a first love, but not all. I have known a handful of souls who maintained it until death, or appeared to, but it’s certainly not the norm. Life intrudes on the fantasy that someone will be an all-loving, supportive parent. Paradoxically, if you had toxic parents, it’s even harder to relinquish this desire as yearning for a kinder, gentler life becomes a mission to get what you missed as a child.

Whether trust is broken by an affair, an addiction, or the gradual departure of someone’s heartfelt interest, it requires a radical shift in your world view. Emotionally adjusting to that cognitive terra incognita takes time and energy, but is worth it as it builds maturity and a commitment to being responsible for yourself.

At the end of the day, if you truly trusted someone and found out he or she was unworthy of that level of faith, you may swing to the opposite side of the pendulum and feel wary of everyone. That’s OK. It’s temporary. When you have been badly burned it’s natural to fear fire. Eventually, you will allow people into your heart again. You may never trust anyone else 100%. That’s fine,  because the real task is learning to trust yourself. Before we explore ways to build self trust, let’s look at what trust entails.

Trust may mean your parent, child, mate, friend, business partner will:

• Take care of you when you’re sick or old.
• Tell you the truth.
• Treat you kindly.
• Be faithful.
• Keep your secrets.
• Honestly, and with compassion, share most of their thoughts, feelings, and personal information.
• Listen to your thoughts, opinions, and concerns.
• Have your best interests at heart.

Everyone has their own notion of what trust feels like. On some level, trust is having faith in someone else’s ability to truly know and support you. This may mean nurturing, protecting, listening, contributing financially, knowing what you are thinking without you having to say it, anticipating your desires, etc. As you can see, it’s a tall order. The most realistic approach is to hope someone who loves you will do their best, most of the time, to act for your highest good. It doesn’t hurt to remember that everyone is after their own happiness, and they will usually put that before yours. So, if the relationship is reciprocal and they feel they are getting most of what they want, they will make a bigger effort to please you. If not, they will have less incentive.

There are two important things to remember about trust:

1. Your decision to trust someone is a gift to you, not to them. You do it for peace of mind.
2. If they betray you, it is a reflection of who they are, and says nothing about you.

If you have been betrayed and your trust was breached, it may be a good idea to use the above concepts as mantras until they become automatic. When something bad happens, it is all too easy to let feelings of insecurity, vulnerability, and grief distort your perception. Thinking more clearly will change your feelings from anger, despair, worthlessness, hopelessness, depression, and anxiety to acceptance, optimism, sadness, and concern, all of which will help you adjust to a new reality.

Trusting yourself is much harder than handing yourself over to someone else. After all, you came into the world as a helpless infant who needed adult care and attention, so on some very deep level, it’s tempting to want to feel fully nurtured by someone. Since everyone has some abandonment issues, this desire is heightened by the fear that those we love the most will eventually leave. The good news is until you drop the body, as they say in India, you can always count on yourself. It may take a lot of practice to prove to yourself you are truly capable of healthy self-care, but you are. Keep at it and the emotional rewards will accrue, until, one day, you will automatically guide yourself towards self-loving thoughts and behaviors.

How can you build inner security and self-trust?

• Patiently accept your own pace as you move forward in your journey.
• Take responsibility for yourself emotionally, financially, physically, socially, intellectually, vocationally, and spiritually.

Practice supportive self-talk by saying loving things to yourself. Even if you are lucky enough to have friends, family, or a therapist who repeatedly tells you calming, helpful things, there is something deeply soothing about being able to hear those words in your head, and comfort yourself with them anytime—knowing you really mean them. Either way, the more you hear them, the more quickly they will become second nature, eventually eclipsing the cacophony of internal self-downing you may have been immersed in for as long as you can remember.

Everything, no matter how awful it might feel in the moment, is for your highest good and personal evolution. When you are struggling, miserable, grief-stricken, and saturated with anxiety, it seems almost impossible to remember this deep truth. Even if you don’t believe it, just keep repeating it. Eventually, you will see the way life constantly shifts and changes. It’s just like a seesaw, only now, you know you are the fulcrum.