Sometimes it can be difficult to know what to do when someone we care about is going through a challenging time. You might think the advice I’m about to offer is selfish, but if we consider the science behind it, you might discover that the healthiest plan is to take care of yourself first. That involves self-differentiation.
The term self-differentiation was first introduced by Murray Bowen, whose ideas are the basis of family systems therapy. There are two aspects to self-differentiation: intrapsychic differentiation and interpersonal differentiation. Intrapsychic differentiation is when we can tell apart our thoughts from our emotions. In other words, it’s self-awareness. On the other hand, interpersonal differentiation is when we can distinguish our experience from the experience of people we are connected to. Both aspects of self-differentiation are important, as they empower us to be aware of our current state and the influence of different interactions and environments on our state so we can take action.
What makes the concept of self-differentiation so important? Bowen’s systems therapy was revolutionary in the field of psychology because it was a pioneer in considering individuals’ symptoms as a byproduct of, and interrelated with, the dynamics and structures of their family. We do not exist in isolation, nor are we immune from the interactions and emotions of the people around us. Instead, our emotions and sense of self are shaped by, and a part of, an emotional system created by the family.
Studies on emotion transmission (the “contagious” result of emotions in a system) and emotion convergence (the idea that people living together can become similar emotionally over time) offer support for Bowen’s systems theory. Interestingly, emotion convergence was found not only in romantic relationships, but also in studies of platonic relationships among roommates.
Excitingly, research in the fields of affective neuroscience and interpersonal neurobiology is also finding evidence for the influence people have on each other’s psychophysiological well-being (see Trust Your Longing for Social Engagement. It’s for Your Own Good!). However, while clearly important for our health and wellness, not all forms of social engagement are conducive to our health. In fact, poor forms of social engagement can lead to adverse results.
For instance, the landmark ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) study discovered that adverse early childhood experiences—which are largely relational—were correlated with increased risk for many health and psychosocial problems later in life. This includes, but is not limited to, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, liver disease, heart disease, obesity, cancer, anxiety, depression, poor academic achievement, and poor work performance.
Interestingly, emotion transmission research found a greater level of the “contagious” effect from negative emotions than from positive emotions. In other words, if our partners or roommates are feeling upset or down, the degree to which we may start to have similar emotions is greater than when they are feeling happy.
Evidently, we influence each other’s emotional and physiological health. The takeaway from this can be twofold: (1) just as we are wired for co-regulation, the flip side is we are also wired for co-dysregulation; and (2) time apart can allow our system to shift states and find our own homeostasis.
While it may be easy and somewhat straightforward to consider that exposure to a volatile or aggressive environment will activate stress response in your own system, subtler, less overt influences are also being discovered. For instance, one study looked at the physiological impact couples have on each other by measuring their cortisol level at different times of the day. Interestingly, a higher level of association was found in cortisol level between spouses during times of the day they shared the environment (i.e., in the morning and evening) as compared to times of the day when they were apart (i.e., at work).
Evidently, we influence each other’s emotional and physiological health. The takeaway from this can be twofold: (1) just as we are wired for co-regulation, the flip side is we are also wired for co-dysregulation; and (2) time apart can allow our system to shift states and find our own homeostasis.
One way to think of this is that, to be there for your friend, partner, or family during difficult times, it’s important to make sure your system continues to be regulated and resourced. Basically, “in an emergency,” make sure you put your oxygen mask on first before helping others. And make sure to frequently check your own oxygen supply and resources to be able to stay healthy and be giving of the love and support you want to give while getting through the turbulence. To be able to do that, it helps to have some self-differentiation.
Following are some tips and ideas to practice and increase your ability to self-differentiate:
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