If you’re asking this question, you’re not alone. In most cases, couple therapists systemically see couples’ distress as the result of reciprocal maladaptive patterns to which each partner contributes. Many people entering couples therapy initially believe their partner is primarily responsible for relationship problems. However, couple therapy research affirms that various approaches produce statistically and clinically significant improvement for a substantial proportion of couples, with most people who’ve participated in couples therapy feeling better than 70% to 80% of those who don’t get help.
Understanding why both partners benefit from attending couples therapy together—even when problems seem to stem from one person—can help you make an informed decision about seeking support for your relationship.
Why Both Partners Need to Attend Couples Therapy
Amy Winchester, MA, LPC explains: “While it may be true that your partner needs to work through some of his or her own issues that contribute to dynamics in the relationship, if there are problems between the two of you then you both are contributing. Even when one partner appears to be causing most problems, the interactions between both partners shape how the relationship functions. Understanding these patterns can help each person make meaningful changes. Two people in a relationship are always more deeply entwined than most can imagine. The subtle ways in which we act and react in a relationship are often rooted in our basic needs for belonging, love, freedom, and respect. Following these roots down to their beginnings and any wounds we have experienced along the way is necessary if we want to untangle habitual patterns and dynamics that seem to never change. One of the most empirically supported approaches for this work is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), which helps partners identify and express underlying emotional needs and strengthens attachment bonds. EFT provides structured guidance for couples to navigate these patterns safely and effectively.”
This perspective is strongly supported by current research. Modern couples therapy recognizes that partners often get caught in repeating cycles of interaction, sometimes called a pursuer-distancer or demand-withdraw pattern, where one partner’s behavior triggers the other’s emotional response, which in turn perpetuates the cycle. Even when one partner appears to be causing most problems, both individuals are typically participating in maintaining these patterns.
Recent studies demonstrate that relationship distress justifies making couple therapy more widely available, as epidemiological research points to conclusions supporting broader access to couples therapy. The effectiveness isn’t dependent on both partners being “equally at fault”—rather, it relies on both partners being present to understand and change these systemic patterns.
If you are experiencing domestic violence, coercive control, or any form of ongoing abuse, couples therapy is not safe or recommended. Individual therapy or specialized support is necessary before considering couples therapy.
How Individual Actions Impact the Relationship Dynamic
Consider the following ways your participation matters, regardless of who seems to be “causing” the problems:
Your partner’s issues may be situational. Their propensity for experiencing difficulties may be exacerbated by subtle or slowly burning problems between the two of you. In essence, they may be indirectly expressing something regarding the relationship through their behavior.
Your reactions directly affect your relationship. How you respond to your partner’s behavior influences the dynamic between you. If you denigrate your partner, are mean, sarcastic, impatient, or even passively aggressive, you must know that this will impact your relationship in many ways. Nobody is perfect, of course, but if this happens consistently, especially without repair, your relationship will suffer.
Communication skills benefit both partners. It’s important to become aware of your feelings and needs, and to learn to communicate these to your partner in a way that is effective and doesn’t create more distance between the two of you.
Your participation sends a message about commitment. Choosing to participate in couples therapy shows your willingness to explore the relationship and work on it together, while still respecting your own needs and boundaries.
A couple’s ability to understand their presenting issues from a relational perspective may be a key factor contributing to treatment success by reducing blame and increasing individual responsibility and agency.
When One Partner Has Individual Issues
Anne Brennan Malec, PsyD, LMFT addresses this common concern: “Even if you feel your partner’s behavior contributes more to the problems, your own awareness and participation can help you both understand the relationship dynamics. If your partner had problems in other areas of her/his life, will you at least make a good-faith effort to determine if there is something you can do to help?”
Dr. Malec continues: “From my perspective as a clinical psychologist and marriage and family therapist, if one partner in a couple is dealing with a problem, their partner is affected too. If your partner is depressed, stressed, physically ill, emotionally unstable, or unhappy, there is no way that a partner is not influenced by the outcomes of these negative experiences.”
This understanding is supported by recent research showing that relationship distress has adverse impacts on emotional and physical well-being of adult partners, with partners in distressed relationships being significantly more likely to have mood disorders, anxiety disorders, or substance use disorders.
If your partner struggles with anxiety, depression, substance abuse, a personality concern, or anything similar, they need help AND you both need to look at what is happening in your relationship that could be contributing to their experience. Relationships can be crucibles for healing, and you can be an integral part of that process not only for your partner, but for yourself as well.
Couples therapy is most effective when both partners are invested in the process. However, your participation doesn’t mean you’re accepting blame—it means you’re contributing to the solution.
The Systemic Nature of Relationship Problems
Andrew Mendonsa, PsyD explains the systemic perspective: “In a relationship, both parties contribute to the success and trouble. Even though on the surface it may seem like only one person contributes to the problem, the reality is both people have contributed to where the relationship currently stands.”
This systemic understanding is fundamental to modern couples therapy. Various approaches to couples therapy operate on the hypothesis that a circular causality exists between the beliefs, emotional experiences, attitudes, and behaviors of the individual partners and overall organization of the couple system.
Dr. Mendonsa adds: “By going to therapy together, each person can explore their own contributions and assess where they would like to go in the future. Therapy together allows for each person to be transparent, which allows for the opposite person to assess future potential and dedication. Furthermore, it is unlikely that the relationship is in a state that it cannot be fixed. Therefore, by going to therapy together, the relationship continues to grow and become stronger. Refocusing on what matters most occurs quicker when both parties are engaged in treatment.”
Research demonstrates that couples therapy interventions show effectiveness across various areas of couple functioning, including communication skills, marital satisfaction, and psychological well-being. The benefits extend beyond just addressing the presenting problem to strengthening the overall relationship foundation.
Recognizing Relationship Emergencies
Dr. Malec offers this important perspective: “Whenever I hear a client share that their partner does not want to go to couples therapy, I am concerned about the long-term potential of the marriage. From my experience, if one spouse believes that the couple needs to go to counseling this should be seen as a warning shot, red flag, or loud beeping noise!”
“It is a relationship emergency when one partner asks the other to go to therapy because it means that one spouse does not believe the couple has the skills, willingness, or patience to respectfully discuss and resolve their issues on their own. If one spouse wants couples therapy, it can mean that she or he needs a safe space where difficult thoughts and feelings can be shared. Resisting or dismissing your spouse’s request for counseling is very shortsighted and potentially dangerous for the future of your relationship.”
During couples therapy sessions, the therapist acts as a neutral mediator, fostering open communication and helping both partners express their feelings honestly and respectfully by creating a safe, nonjudgmental environment.
Making the Decision to Attend Couples Therapy
If your partner has requested couples therapy, consider these research-backed facts:
Even if you believe your partner is primarily responsible for relationship problems, attending therapy together provides:
Evidence-based approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) have been shown to improve communication, deepen connection, and address the emotional patterns that often underlie relationship distress.
Finding a Qualified Couples Therapist
If you’ve decided to give couples therapy a chance, finding the right therapist is important. Look for professionals with specific training in couples work and experience addressing the types of issues you’re facing.
You can start your search using GoodTherapy’s Find a Therapist tool or use the Advanced Search to narrow your options based on location, specialties, and other preferences.
Remember that couples therapy isn’t about assigning blame—it’s about understanding how both partners can contribute to positive change in the relationship. Whether the problems seem to originate primarily with your partner or not, your active participation gives your relationship the best chance for improvement and growth.
*If you or your partner are experiencing thoughts of self-harm, substance abuse, or domestic violence, please seek immediate professional help. Individual therapy may be necessary before or alongside couples work in some situations.*
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The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org.