How Can Parents Lessen Traumatic Effects of Divorce on Children?

Is the trauma children typically experience when divorce occurs in the family due to the divorce itself or other factors that surface around the divorce between the parents?

To a marriage and family therapist, this is an important question. If mental health professionals know specifically what it is about the process of divorce in the family that is traumatic for children, the trauma can be lessened to a great degree by addressing the specific factor(s) that children who experience divorce in the family are confronted with.

Many children experience the process of divorce in their families. During the 1970s and ’80s, the pop psychology was that parents should not stay together for the sake of the children. The theory was, “If the parents aren’t happy, the children will not be happy.” While that is most likely true, research has shown that there are, in fact, traumatizing effects that divorce can have on children.

However, the divorce itself does not appear to be the only factor that is traumatic for children when the divorce process takes place. Other factors, such as not seeing one of the parents as often, the parents transitioning into new relationships, changes in the socio-economic status of the family, and the constant transition from one parent’s house to the other parent’s house can also be difficult adjustments for children who experience divorce.

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Generally, children are very adaptable when they have enough support. When children who experience divorce do not have an appropriate amount of support and they reflect back on the situation, they often recall experiencing difficulty that they possibly did not realize they were experiencing at the time.

Some factors for parents to consider when children experience divorce in the family:

When parents have appropriate support systems in place for each other and the children while maintaining clear boundaries, the process of divorce is much less traumatizing for children. Ideally, in time, both parents can move forward with their lives and into healthy relationships with the outcome being extended family relationships that are loving and supportive of one another. Ideally, the children should have the perspective that they did not lose their family, but that their family changed and that the parents have the children’s best interests at heart.

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