Why Can’t I Bond with My Kids After My Husband Died?

March 25, 2016

I lost my husband a little over six months ago now. I am only 30. He passed away suddenly from cancer and left me with three kids to raise on my own. I am struggling to want to bond with my kids. I know I should spend time with my kids, and I do make it a point to spend all my free time with my kids. I tend to get overwhelmed by them really quick, however. They are 8, 5, and 4. I know they are still struggling with the loss of their dad, too. I try to take "me time" too, but I feel bad when I do. I want to know why I am struggling so much to bond with my children. Am I scared that I am going to lose them too? Am I scared they are going to remind me of their father? Am I angry for being left alone with them? Why am I feeling this way? —Widowed

I am so sorry for your loss. You are understandably grieving. You’ve lost your partner unexpectedly, and if that weren’t enough to cope with, you are also trying to take care of your grieving children—who are likely trying to make sense of an incomprehensible situation. Of course you are struggling.

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You get overwhelmed because your reserves of emotional energy are depleted. Having enough to give to three children is challenging in the best of circumstances. Finding ways to give under these circumstances requires superhuman strength. Additionally, if you are feeling bad about taking time for yourself, that “me time” people recommend isn’t replenishing you but rather adding guilty feelings to the mix. I’d be surprised if you weren’t struggling.

Feeling lost and disconnected and sad and angry are absolutely natural responses to all of this. Grief is complex.

You ask if you are afraid of losing your children or afraid they will bring painful memories of your husband. You also wonder if your anger is a factor. The answers are inside you, but based on what you’ve related, in all likelihood yes—to all of it, and probably more. Your world has changed swiftly and dramatically, and not by any choice of your own. Feeling lost and disconnected and sad and angry are absolutely natural responses to all of this. Grief is complex.

The stages of grief—denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance—do not necessarily flow smoothly or quickly. Many people move from one stage to another and back again as memories and feelings are triggered. There is no timeline for moving through your grief and integrating it. Time will help, but so will finding the right kind of support.

If you haven’t already started working with a therapist in your area, I recommend that you find one for yourself and for your children, either together or separately. Having a safe and supportive place to work through all the feelings that come with such a loss and major life transition can help you heal and find your way back to your children … and yourself.

Best of luck,

Erika

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