I Caught My Mom Cheating and She Begged Me to Keep It Secret

February 6, 2015

I am hoping you can help me with what to do here. I am 17. Last week I caught my mom having sex with someone who is not my dad. My parents have been married for like 20 years and this was a shock to me, to say the least. My dad was at work and I came home from a friend's house unexpectedly. They were in the living room and I saw the guy roll off of my mom and pull some clothes on when he saw me. My mom was embarrassed obviously and tried to explain it away but later that night she told me she made a mistake and to please not tell my dad. I feel like I am closer to my mom than my dad but I love them both and I am really feeling like it's wrong for me not to say something to my dad. I just feel bad for him knowing that he has no idea of what is going on. I feel like my mom should tell him what happened, but if she doesn't, is that my place? My mom has begged me not to and says it will never happen again. I am not sure if I believe her, though. My mom and dad seemed happy and this is all just so shocking to me. I don't know how to move past it. —Cannot Unsee

I’m so sorry you find yourself in this position. I imagine you feel like you either have to be disloyal to your mom and tell your dad, or be disloyal to your dad and keep this secret from him. That is a no-win situation.

So, let’s look at it differently.

Relationships between intimate partners are complex, and your mom and dad will have to figure their own stuff out. Your mom’s choices about her relationship with your dad and the consequences of those choices really are between the two of them. I am not here to pass judgment about your mom’s apparent infidelity. I will say that her asking you to hold her secret is a betrayal of her relationship with you. It is part of the unspoken parenting contract that parents don’t put their kids in a position to have to choose which parent to betray or be loyal to. That’s not right or fair. It doesn’t matter if this was a one-time thing or a pattern of behavior—it’s not your role to weigh out the details and possible consequences.

Find a Therapist

I suggest you have a conversation with your mom but, for now, leave your dad and his feelings out if it. Focus instead on what her request is doing to you and to your relationship with her. Asking you to hold her secret is asking you to carry the responsibility for her choices. That is a breach of trust with you that could have long-lasting implications. It cannot be your responsibility to cover for her, nor should it be your responsibility to inform your dad. This isn’t about you loving her enough to keep her secret; it is about her loving you enough not to ask you to. You cannot force her to own her actions. If, however, when presented with your feelings she still chooses to put you on the middle, you may want to ask yourself what you are protecting.

None of this is easy, so if you find yourself struggling, I suggest finding a therapist near you to work through some of this with. No matter what happens, having some support may be beneficial in helping you move past this.

Best of luck,

Erika

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org.