Thank you for writing. The fact that your brother is angry at you for helping his family is a likely indication of how severe his gambling has become. (In addition to his seeking “lower companions,” as 12-step literature says.) Your question reminds me of how powerful family “systems” are, especially those affected by (what sounds like) addiction or compulsive behavior. It’s remarkable that you are being generous enough to allow his family to stay with you but wonder if you’re doing “enough.” I think the short answer is yes. You’re doing a great service.
But you ask another question that bears some examining, namely, “Am I doing the right thing here?” I’m coming to the conclusion that when compulsivity or addiction is involved, there is no “right thing.” For instance, partners of addicted spouses will ask me, “Is the right thing to stay or go? Try to help them get into rehab or is that enabling?” The right answer is yes and no to all of the above.
The downside to completely detaching (generally speaking, mind you) is that you begin to feel guilt or self-criticism for being aloof; if you get caught up too much in helping and it goes nowhere, you are likely to feel resentful, taken for granted, and so on. So I suppose there’s this magical balance that much smarter folks than I have not yet figured out. I suppose that, like all things human, God (or the devil) is in the detail. But gambling is particularly destructive because it involves money, which can crush a family’s resources like Thor’s hammer.
The advantage here—not always the case—is that your brother knows he has a problem. Not knowing how to stop is nothing to be ashamed of. Addiction or compulsivity on the level we’re talking about is as much a disease as depression or anxiety. (In fact, addiction parallels both.) How does a person “stop” bipolar? Or diabetes? Well, you see a professional. Fortunately, there are self-help meetings (Gamblers Anonymous) as well as addiction therapists or even treatment centers (such as the Control Center in Los Angeles or Sierra Tucson or The Meadows in Arizona) that can help. (More treatment centers are taking insurance these days.)
The point is, he doesn’t have to know how to stop because he probably can’t. (Step 1 in a 12-step program is saying, essentially, that you can’t stop and your life is chaotic due to that fact.) Also, you might check your own motives in that many family members in your position may (1) minimize the addiction (is it really that bad? Sadly, yes), (2) think you can “do something” best left to a professional counselor or psychologist, or (3) doubt yourself for not “doing more.” You cannot will a person with depression to get better by good intentions; ditto with addiction. The most eloquent Shakespearean speech will not convince an addicted person to do squat. Usually it comes down to setting consequences for the addicted person that may sound hard but tend to get attention: If you don’t stop, you’re going to ruin your family and/or lose your wife and/or access to your children. If you don’t stop, I need to pull away and detach until you get help; it’s too painful for me to watch a ship sink while the captain refuses life boats. Many people addicted to alcohol, for instance, don’t get help until their second, third, or fourth DUI. Many with sex addiction don’t stop until their partner threatens to end the relationship. And so forth.
You may also try to organize a family intervention, either informally or formally. This is trickier than it looks (despite what the movies and TV show us). I know some interventionists who would be willing to consult with you (perhaps for free or low cost) should you want more information on this; you can contact me via this website for more information.
You’re obviously a very caring and loving brother or you wouldn’t be writing. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is tell the addicted part of the person, “We’re sick of you and how you’ve hijacked the person we love.” I would add that the sooner you and other family members—and your brother—take action, the better. Addiction is progressive and, like a shark, stays hungry and keeps moving. Thanks again for writing.
Best wishes,
Darren
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