Help! A Decade Later, I Just Found Out My Husband Has 2 Kids

June 19, 2015

I have been married for seven years and have three children with my husband. We have had our ups and downs, like most couples. When we first got together nine years ago, he told me he didn't have kids. I would have been fine with it if he did, it wouldn't have changed how I felt about him, but he was very clear about not having them. Well, guess what? I came to find out last month he has two kids with two women from previous relationships. They are ages 11 and 12. He pays child support for them from an account I don't have access to. He told me he was moving money from our shared account into a retirement account for us, but instead he's been moving it into this secret child support account. I don't understand! I am livid! When I confronted him, he was humiliated and begged for forgiveness. He said he didn't think I'd want to be with him if I knew he had kids (even though that's not true), and since he is not in their lives at all (he has no contact), he says that "in a sense" he doesn't have kids. That's ridiculous. How could he hide something like this from me for so long? What else is he hiding? I love this man, but seriously, this is wrong and I don't know if I can handle it. I am actually thinking about ending our marriage, which makes me sad for OUR kids. What do you think about all this? Am I wrong to be this upset? —In the Dark

What an incredible breach of trust. Not only did he lie to you about not having kids, which I’m sure made sense to him at the time, but he perpetuated the lie by actively hiding an account from you and keeping important financial information from you. Of course you are having concerns and wondering if you can trust him.

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Often people lie for one of two reasons—from fear and a desire to avoid negative consequences, or to gain something they don’t believe they can gain via the truth. Your husband says he lied initially because he didn’t think you would accept him if you knew the truth. Lying can become a habit and even a coping mechanism. Lying can generate fear of being found out, which necessitates additional lies until it looks as if there is no way out. It seems as if your husband justified continuing to lie for fear that if you learned the truth his world would unravel. I am not condoning his actions, but I can see how one lie begets another and another until it seems insurmountable.

Often people lie for one of two reasons—from fear and a desire to avoid negative consequences, or to gain something they don’t believe they can gain via the truth.Now that the truth is out, this would be a great time to work with your husband on becoming completely honest with you about everything. That means giving you access to all of his financial records, legal documents, and passwords as well as sharing his entire unvarnished history with you. Whether or not you intend to stay in your marriage, if you are going to parent with him, rebuilding trust is going to be important for you and for your kids. I recommend working with a therapist on this process. If your husband has indeed been hiding even more, being able to tell you about it in a safe, neutral environment may encourage more transparency. It may also encourage him to consider why he chose dishonesty for so long.

I should mention that, while uncommon, there are some individuals who lie without remorse, who use dishonesty to manipulate, or who lie simply because they can. It is a very small percentage of the population, and I am not suggesting that your husband falls into that category, but it might be helpful to have professional support as well to ensure that you are not dealing with this particular type of individual.

Best of luck,

Erika

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