A colleague of mine encourages people to consider the first day of every month a “New Year’s Day” of sorts: Instead of one New Year’s resolution, why not mindfully attempt change every month? Imagine what you can do for yourself in only a year.
While popular wisdom has long suggested that habits can be formed in about 30 days, recent research reveals the process is more nuanced, with habit formation typically taking 18 to 254 days, with an average of 66 days. However, the beauty of a 30-day challenge isn’t just about permanent habit formation—it’s about creating momentum, building awareness, and experiencing positive changes that can motivate longer-term growth.
Having challenged myself to new habits 30 days at a time in 2013, I’m challenging you to begin your own changes today.
Accept this invitation to tackle a 30-day challenge to enrich intimacy in your relationship. Start now—don’t wait until the first of the month. Consider which habit(s) would benefit you and your relationship to enrich or enhance intimacy. I’ve drawn up a possible list, pulled from research as well as my professional and personal experience, to help inspire ideas:
Within 30 days, read a book to improve your relationship—people who seek relationship counseling with me are encouraged to read Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson. This groundbreaking book on Emotionally Focused Therapy has sold over 1 million copies and continues to help couples strengthen their relationships through evidence-based approaches. Another favorite is The Truth About Love by Dr. Pat Love, which explores the predictable stages of love relationships.
Commit to kissing hello and goodbye. In a fast-paced culture, romantic partners are often like “two ships passing in the night.” We miss simple, everyday opportunities to slow down and reconnect with loved ones. For the next 30 days, make a new rule in your relationship: kiss hello and goodbye—no exceptions! (Already doing this? OK, try this one. Make each kiss last at least five seconds; trust me, it’ll feel longer and more intimate than you assume. Imagine your lips on your loved one’s lips, cheek, or neck for the count of one … two … three … four … five. Now THAT’s a kiss.)
Add the “hug to relax” or “five-minute hug” to your day, every day, for 30 days. Recent research confirms that couples with higher comfort levels around physical affection report significantly better relationship well-being, with private touch being particularly important for relationship satisfaction. Set a time, and in a standing hug enjoy the waves of experiences you have in your partner’s arms. Notice what each of your five senses is sensing. Notice the smell of your partner’s neck, shirt, hair, etc. What do you hear in the hug? A heartbeat, breathing, or sounds of the environment? Notice the touch of your bodies: Where do you touch? Where do you not touch? Notice the sensation of standing on your feet for a period of time in one place.
Reduce your complaints and increase praise of your partner for the next 30 days. Dr. John Gottman’s extensive research has identified a “magic ratio” of 5:1—for every negative interaction during conflict, happy couples have five or more positive interactions. As with good parenting, we need to balance negative feedback and interaction (“Go do your homework!”) with positive feedback and interaction (“Thanks for getting to your chores!”) in our intimate relationships. I often explain to people that we are born to particular caregivers, but when we mature into adults and commit to a relationship, we choose and become “chosen caregivers.” It’s essential that we remember that our spouses are sometimes just “tall kiddos” who need and desire more praise than complaints.
Last but not least, consider sexual, engaged activity every day for 30 days. Now, this doesn’t have to mean intercourse, orgasm, or even nakedness, the goal is to foster closeness, affection, and mutual comfort. There is an array of activities we can indulge in to ignite and nourish our sexual selves. Recent research highlights the strong connection between active, satisfying intimacy and overall relationship wellbeing, with studies showing that couples who engage in regular intimate connection report higher relationship satisfaction. Body rubs, hand massaging, bathing together, undressing your partner, spooning, masturbating solo or beside each other—these are just a few ideas for a 30-day challenge.
This exercise works best for couples who are feeling generally good in their relationship. If you or your partner are navigating sexual pain, past trauma, postpartum changes, big differences in desire, or other challenges, take it slow, and don’t hesitate to check in with a sex therapist before diving in.
Bonus idea straight from a sex therapist’s office: One of my clients’ favorite ideas for being sexual that doesn’t require much of anything is a “walk down memory lane.” This approach draws on the therapeutic power of reminiscence, which research shows can create positive emotional connections and enhance wellbeing. Reminisce together about the hottest sex you’ve had together, fire up your memory by indulging in a description of what your senses experienced, maybe even come up with a title for this memory as if it were its own sexy movie. Perhaps take the memory a little further by embellishing, elaborating, or peppering some components of fantasy by sprinkling in spicy details you would add if you could go back in time.
The “walk down memory lane” exercise is most enjoyable when your shared sexual history feels positive and consensual. If you and your partner have experienced trauma, coercion, or infidelity, revisiting sexual memories might feel upsetting instead of connecting. In that case, it’s perfectly okay to skip this one, or try it with guidance from a therapist.
This isn’t necessarily a go-big-or-go-home challenge, mind you. Take on something you can be successful doing. The goal is to form a new habit, enrich intimacy, and add pleasure to your relationship.
Enjoy!
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