Three Reasons to Date Someone Who Has Recovered from Sex Addiction
May 24th, 2012
By Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC, CSAT Candidate, Sex Addiction
Did you know that most individuals who have experienced sex addiction and have taken their recovery process very seriously and remain committed to it for life can be some of the healthiest individuals, despite their past challenges?
Relationships in general take a lot of hard work, but many people are not willing to engage in the hard stuff to make their relationships easier down the road. If people do not feel that they have an addiction or struggle with any kind of sexual integrity issue, it is more challenging for them to understand the need to have boundaries around their relationship to protect it from anything that can cause it to weaken.
Here are THREE REASONS individuals need not be afraid to date someone who has recovered from a sex addiction:
STRONG BOUNDARIES: Most individuals recovering from sex addiction who have worked hard in a program, such as outpatient therapy, along with being a part of a support group or in-patient program with a solid outpatient support system know the importance of having strong boundaries to first protect themselves from relapse or slipping back into old habits. For example, a person who has abused alcohol needs to stay away from bars and heavy drinking venues to avoid temptation. The same goes for people with sex addiction; they have certain places they cannot visit, movies they cannot watch, and websites to stay clear of, and even conversations with other individuals that may trigger certain thoughts or feelings.
Therefore, people who have recovered from sex addiction and have moved toward a healthy outlook in life will more than likely be very respectful and aware of situations that may be uncomfortable for their partner, such as noticing attractive people in the partner’s presence or even while alone or putting themselves in a position that could be cause for concern, such as eating lunch alone with a coworker of the opposite sex.
INTEGRITY: Most people recovering from sex addiction have learned the benefits and the importance of having integrity in their life. It is essential that they share their feelings appropriately and be truthful with themselves and that they avoid anything that would cause even a hint of suspicion by others. One way that you will know that your dating partner is someone who values integrity is to watch him or her. Does this person’s behavior coincide with his or her belief system? Is he open about his life’s journey while using discernment? Does she show consistency in making decisions with integrity in all areas of her life (i.e., financial, family, work), not just in relationships?
SELF-CARE: When people who have struggled with sex addiction have worked hard on their personal recovery, one of the tools they learn is the importance of self-care. What that means is their ability to recognize that they first must take care of themselves in a healthy way before they have anything to offer anyone else. They are good at keeping things in their lives that bring value, and they do not expect someone else to fill all their needs. These individuals will have introduced specific behaviors/patterns in their life that support their recovery and reduce the temptations they will face, such as computer filters, accountability partners, continued self-improvement choices, and consistent activities that not only grow who they are but also have a positive impact on others. Most important, where their recovery plan may change along the way, they never let their guard down to say they have arrived, and they stay in the continuous mode of healthy self-care in some fashion. This not only assists them in being the person of integrity they want to be but also prepares them to be real, genuine, honest, and transparent in future relationships.
As you can see, while some may shy away from the idea of dating an individual who has recovered from sexual addiction, there are numerous reasons this can actually be a very positive experience. Keep in mind, it is not your responsibility to keep this person on track in his or her recovery, and if the person is truly taking care of himself, he will not want or expect you to do this. You actually get the benefits of being with an individual who has come face to face with a very challenging addiction and decided that he or she is worth doing the hard work to overcome it and live a life of integrity. The end result is someone who can share compassion, understanding, and love in a deeper, healthier way in relationships because that person made it a point to have tough love for him- or herself first.
Related articles:
Three Ways to Avoid Sex Addiction Relapse
Sex Addiction: Can Trust Be Restored?
©Copyright 2012 by Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC, CSAT, therapist in Maitland, FL. All Rights Reserved.
-
Find the Right Therapist
-
9 Comments | Click here to leave a comment.
Comments
Um, I don’t know about this.
I mean, what am I supposed to say if my date tells me that this is something that he has struggled with before?
And when should he even disclose this kinf of information?
It’s not like this is something you would want to drop on the first date is it?
How on earth am I supposed to trust a guy when he up and tells me that he has battled a sex addiction in the past? I know that there are very few fish in the sea for me, but I am willing to take a pass on someone with a sex addiction. I am better than having to debase myself like that!
just because a person has battled sex addiction in the past does not mean he will have that again and someone who has not had that in the past is not necessarily a great person with no problems! relationship can go awary with anybody, not just people who have had problems in the past.
Not saying that I wouldn’t do it, but I would have to have some serious conversations with this person if I really thought that there was any chance that this is behavior that he could easily slip back into again and would have to know that this was not going to be an addiction that would sneak back into his life. I guess more than anything it would take a whole lot of trust on the part of both people in the relationship.
The important thing to remember is that while you may not want ot get involved with someone who is all out in the throes of dealing with their sex addiction, but if you are with someone who has fought it and conquered it, then how is that so different from dating someone who has battled other sorts of demons? It is probably not ideal to be with someone fighting any addiction because this is generally a time when they are focusing on themselves and not much of anything else. But think about how in tune this person could be into who they are if they have come out the other side of an addiction the winner.
I have fought this and still struggle. I am not sure that I would recommend this for anyone. Yeah, I think I’m a pretty good guy, but I can’t say that I will never slip up again, because like any addict, there is always that chance that something will set me off and I will be on that path of destruction again. I want to have a girlfriend and fall in love, but this is not something that I can withhold form her, and I know that as soon as I am honest about it, she will probably leave. I don’t want to be deceptive, but I am not sure that there will ever be another way to get someone to commit to me.
I am a female sex addict. When I read responses like these it increases my desire to devote myself to raising awareness of this issue. From shame to grace. It is sad that the vast majority of people would never think twice about dating someone in AA or NA but cringe at SAA or SLAA. Sex and love addictions are (IMHO) by far the most common and least understood of the addictions (ok overeating may be tied as far as commonness goes) and totally underdiagnosed because our current culture fosters and supports objectification of ourselves and others. Frankly, I would be wary of anyone who denies having an issue with sex. Someone brave enough to admit it and work on it is a far safer bet. And Brett you may need a 12 step program if you think it is ok to withhold this info.
I am sure the people saying “ew sex addict!” have a few ghosts in their closet they don’t want to talk about either. Everyone entering the mating area is an egomaniac – they only focus on their positive traits and are very very particular and any flaw in a potential mate is grounds for rejection. Some can afford to be, others not. The “inexplicably picky ones” usually go down one of two paths: revisited expectations, or die alone in the company of a large number of cats. The whole point is this: people get + points for things that make them attractive. Then you subtract points for things that are not so appealing. A gal who is an 8 in appearance but has no job history and terrible credit might be a 6 to a frugal and sensible man (or remain an 8 to an idiot). A woman might diss a recovering/recovered sex addict for another guy and he just turns out to be a classic player, where the sex addict is well aware of his base instincts and primal urges and has a program in place to keep them in check. Some of the most f***ed up people in the world are those who think of themselves as normal. Such as the people on here going “ew sex addict!” haha
What a ridiculous article. It is like saying that a recovering alcoholic is better to marry than a non addict. While it is better to marry a recovering sex addict than a non-recovering one, the ideal would be neither.
Leave a Reply
By commenting you acknowledge acceptance of GoodTherapy.org's Terms and Conditions of Use.