The relationship with your partner is the most important relationship you have. So why does it seem so hard? It’s a question I frequently get from the individuals and couples I see in my couples counseling practice. Why do we hurt the ones we love the most?
It’s where we are most emotionally vulnerable, and with vulnerability comes the fact we are impacted and/or triggered by things we normally overlook. A look, an expression, a nuance all have meaning to us and usually represent our vulnerabilities from our present and past relationships. For those couples with the added complexity in which one partner has a diagnosis of ADD or ADHD, this can become a disastrous combination.
This impact on couples is not something that gets discussed frequently. I see a number of couples in my practice with this challenge in their relationships. One frequent question I hear from couples is, “how do I know if ADHD is impacting my relationship?”
Emotional safety in a relationship requires compassion for one another, respect, and emotional presence. This does not always happen for couples in which one or both partners have ADHD. It is important to identify whether or not ADHD is impacting your marriage, so that together you can understand how to make adjustments to your relationship so that this neurobiological issue doesn’t impact your relationship adversely.Here are five things that may help you determine whether ADHD is a factor in your relationship:
One of the most common patterns in marriages affected by ADHD is a parent/child dynamic, where one adult in the relationship is the “responsible” one, while the other one is carefree or considered irresponsible. The partners without ADD often find themselves telling the other what to do. There is an imbalance in the handling of tasks in this type of relationship.
The partner with ADHD frequently has difficulty doing routine, mundane tasks, while the partner without the symptoms frequently find themselves taking these on. They may feel the person with ADHD lives a carefree or irresponsible life. While the ADHD spouse is not in actuality carefree or irresponsible, it seems that way because he or she can’t follow through easily on daily tasks.
Partners with ADHD often feel like they burden their partners, which can be devastating and can put a real emotional distance between the couple. The imbalance of power seems very much like a parent/child interaction, which can create resentment in both partners. This can often lead to disrespectful, rude, and emotionally inappropriate interactions.
You prefer not to nag a partner who has ADHD, but to get him or her to complete unfinished tasks you feel more like a boss than an equal partner. Unless there is a clear discussion of tasks, both people feel uneasy and disconnected. In evaluating your relationship independently, each person feels the relationship is filled with arguing and dissention, which can make it feel like your relationship is falling apart.
As a couple it is important to strategize about how tasks should be done, mutually determining the steps to complete the task and the time it may take to complete the tasks. Likely the time will be underestimated; add about 30 minutes to the normal time you expect, taking into account distractions that likely will occur. Don’t forget the issue isn’t one of “willpower”; it is important to set habits and daily routines to support completing tasks in a timely fashion.
Hyperfocus a common symptom of ADHD can have both positive and negative consequences to a relationship. You haven’t really been romanced until you have experience the amazing hyperfocus a person with ADHD can deliver! All the excitement and passion from the hyperfocused partner can have you feeling incredible love and devotion.
Hyperfocus often is temporary and can leave the non-ADHD partner feeling confused and unimportant. This change is interpreted as having a meaning to the relationship that the passion is gone.
No matter how forcefully you attempt to change the interactions in the relationship, everyone may feel stuck. Things don’t seem to change in spite of promises and commitments that get made to one another. Until there is a realization that ADHD is part of the relationship, there will be a tendency to pick apart the behaviors of the partner who has ADHD, looking for answers for the issues.
Many partners approach this situation with an attempt to try to understand the cause of the incomplete tasks or follow through on promises made. Typically the conclusions have to do with negative characterization regarding the person or the relationship. Asking a partner with ADHD to simply “invest more energy” into the relationship will not improve things.
This approach just brings about defensiveness. Once you know about ADHD, you can pick distinctive strategies to help with knowing how to connect and truly believe that both people are impacted. Quite often this may take a professional who is an expert at relationships and attention deficit problems.
Having a child diagnosed with ADHD means it is very likely one or both of the adults have ADHD. ADHD is highly inheritable. If you have a child with ADHD, chances are high that at least one of the parents has it, too. If you already know one of you has ADHD, then just assume it’s impacting your relationship. Once you learn more, you’ll see the impact and ways to minimize the adverse effects.
These interactions can become ingrained in how a couple relate to one another. When this happens there may be pain and heartache impacting how each person sees the other. Unless the couples have tools to change their opinion of one another, this pattern can become a cycle in the relationship that is difficult to break.
A counselor can help couples see and alleviate bringing both people to a much more vulnerable place with each other, allowing them to feel close and connected. When you feel emotionally safe around your partner your love for one another cannot be shaken.
There is a road map to a better relationship for couples for whom ADHD is a factor. It comes out of an extensive body of research on love and attachment. This research helps us understand how couples get off course and how to guide partners back to a close, loving relationship, where each of you feels like the other person will always be there for you.
Emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT) is a proven method for creating loving connections. Research shows that couples going through EFT go from relationship distress to relationship health. In addition, relationships continue to improve after therapy ends. Take care of your relationship and discover this method of loving again.
Don’t let ADHD symptoms define your relationship. Working together, both of you can have the love and relationship you desire.
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