Understanding attachment, self-esteem, and the fears that can shape possessive feelings in a relationship.
I am in a relationship that I have wanted all of my life. I find myself starting to sabotage it with overprotectiveness and possessiveness. I know what’s happening intellectually but am struggling to control it. What measures can I take to give me solace and contentment? — Overprotective
Feelings of overprotectiveness and possessiveness are actually a lot more common than you may think.
Research shows that possessive behaviors often stem from anxious attachment patterns, which can lead individuals to exhibit clinging or possessive behaviors, constantly seeking reassurance from their partners and often experiencing high levels of anxiety about the relationship. Attachment, in this context, simply put is what we form when we are babies. When we're babies, we can't survive on our own. We're completely dependent on our caregivers – for food, warmth, comfort, everything. So our brain learns what to expect from the people who take care of us.
If those people are reliably warm and responsive, our brain learns: "The world is safe. People can be trusted. I'm okay."
However, if those people are inconsistent, frightening, or absent, our brain learns something different – and it adjusts how we connect with others to survive that environment.
That early learning becomes our attachment style – a kind of blueprint for relationships that we carry into adulthood. It shapes how close we let people get, how we handle conflict, and what happens inside us when someone we love is unavailable or pulls away. There are 4 main types of attachment styles (Bowlby, 1969)
"I can trust people, and I'm okay to need them." These folks grew up with caregivers who were consistently available. As adults, they can be close without losing themselves, and they can tolerate distance without panicking. Conflict feels manageable. They're comfortable depending on others and being depended on.
"I need closeness, but I'm never sure it'll last."
Their caregivers were sometimes warm and sometimes not – unpredictable. So they learned to stay alert: watch for signs of rejection, try harder, be louder. As adults, they can feel like they need constant reassurance, worry a lot about relationships ending, and sometimes come across as "too much" when really, they're working from a very old fear.
"I'm fine on my own. I don't really need people." Their caregivers were present but emotionally unavailable, maybe they were uncomfortable with emotions, or praised independence. These people learned to self-contain and turn down the volume on their own needs. As adults, closeness can feel uncomfortable. They may shut down when things get emotionally intense, and they genuinely may not feel like they need much, even when they do.
"I want closeness, and closeness is terrifying." This one usually develops when the caregiver was also the source of fear – through abuse, neglect, or their own unresolved trauma. The child is stuck in an impossible loop: the person I need to run to is the same person I need to run from. As adults, they often swing between craving intimacy and then pulling back. Relationships feel destabilising. This style is common in people with trauma histories.
What is important to know is that even if you currently find yourself aligning to a certain attachment style, it is not permanent. As we continue to grow, learn and introspect, we can adapt to healthier styles of attachment which in turn helps us feel happier and more satisfied in our relationships. I was working with a client that grew up in difficult home with a parent with a personality disorder. There was constant chaos and unpredictability in that house and growing up, she learnt that people leave and that she should just push them away before they leave her. After a few unsuccessful romantic relationships, and working through her issues, she found herself a man that was secure in his attachment style, and that gave her a lot of peace. After having repeated positive interactions, she was able to rewire her belief and slowly adapt to a more secure attachment herself. While it can feel really scary to make yourself vulnerable, it might be a good idea to talk to your partner about what you are feeling. In a relationship, discussing hopes and dreams, as well as fears and insecurities, can be very effective in building intimacy and fostering a strong bond. Imagine how you might feel if you learned your partner was struggling with some fears and insecurities of his/her own. Imagine how you might feel if your partner expressed how much you were loved and valued and compassionately alleviated your fears. It is possible that opening up a conversation about how you are feeling in the relationship might just produce these responses and increase the connectedness between you.
For many people, initiating a conversation like this with their partner can feel more than a little uncomfortable—it can feel completely overwhelming, perhaps even impossible. If you find yourself somewhere on this spectrum, you might find it beneficial to talk to a therapist. My belief, which is backed up by extensive current research, is that the therapeutic relationship, built on trust, empathy, collaboration, and mutual respect, creates a safe environment for clients to explore their experiences and foster personal growth. Research has consistently shown that a strong therapeutic alliance is one of the most important predictors of positive treatment outcomes. Therapy can be very effective in helping people work on relationship issues, in part because the therapy relationship allows you to participate in a safe, strong, and healthy relationship. Recent meta-analyses confirm that therapy helps couples modify their behavior by increasing a sense of security, support, and accessibility, responding to their partner's needs appropriately, and learning effective communication skills, which reflects essential aspects of relationship functioning such as intimacy and communication. Therapy affords you the opportunity to learn, develop and practice relationship skills in a safe setting and offers continued support as you begin to implement these skills outside of your sessions.
In addition to mastering relational skills, therapy can also offer a safe space for you to take a look at yourself and the health of your relationship. Sometimes when people are feeling overprotective and possessive in their relationships, it can be an indicator that they lack the confidence and self-esteem to believe that they are worthy of the relationship that they are in. Current research demonstrates that self-esteem has a robust association with mental health and well-being, and individuals with low self-esteem tend to experience more relationship difficulties and mental health problems. High self-esteem plays a protective role in mental health through higher levels of self-efficacy and better coping mechanisms, while low self-esteem is related to relationship challenges and emotional distress. If this is the case, therapy can be invaluable in helping you learn to truly love and accept yourself and to know that you are worthy of love. Sometimes overprotective and possessive feelings in a relationship can be indicators that the relationship is not a healthy one—maybe your partner has given you real reasons to not believe he/she is trustworthy. As an objective third party, whose sole responsibility is to you and your well-being, a therapist can also offer insight into the health of a relationship.
Committed, healthy relationships can offer a sense of partnership, comfort, support, and myriad other benefits; however, they also require hard work and an ability to look at yourself, your partner, and the relationship in ways that can be uncomfortable.
Kind regards,
Sarah
Medical Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional medical or psychological advice. If you're experiencing significant relationship distress, please consult with a qualified mental health professional for personalized guidance.
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