Thank you for writing in with such a great question. When it comes to the oft elusive quest for a partner to build a life with, what makes sense intellectually can begin to feel much more complicated in a hurry. You mention feeling overprotective and possessive in your relationship. While it can feel really scary to make yourself vulnerable, it might be a good idea to talk to your partner about what you are feeling. In a relationship, discussing hopes and dreams, as well as fears and insecurities, can be very effective in building intimacy and fostering a strong bond. Imagine how you might feel if you learned your partner was struggling with some fears and insecurities of his/her own. Imagine how you might feel if your partner expressed how much you were loved and valued and compassionately alleviated your fears. It is possible that opening up a conversation about how you are feeling in the relationship might just produce these responses and increase the connectedness between you.
For many people, initiating a conversation like this with their partner can feel more than a little uncomfortable—it can feel completely overwhelming, perhaps even impossible. If you find yourself somewhere on this spectrum, you might find it beneficial to talk to a therapist. My belief, which is backed up by a growing body of research, is that much of the change that therapy produces is a result of the therapeutic relationship that develops between the client and the therapist. Therapy can be very effective in helping people work on relationship issues, in part because the therapy relationship allows you to participate in a safe, strong, and healthy relationship. Therapy affords you the opportunity to learn, develop and practice relationship skills in a safe setting and offers continued support as you begin to implement these skills outside of your sessions.
In addition to mastering relational skills, therapy can also offer a safe space for you to take a look at yourself and the health of your relationship. Sometimes when people are feeling overprotective and possessive in their relationships, it can be an indicator that they lack the confidence and self-esteem to believe that they are worthy of the relationship that they are in. If this is the case, therapy can be invaluable in helping you learn to truly love and accept yourself and to know that you are worthy of love. Sometimes overprotective and possessive feelings in a relationship can be indicators that the relationship is not a healthy one—maybe your partner has given you real reasons to not believe he/she is trustworthy. As an objective third party, whose sole responsibility is to you and your well-being, a therapist can also offer insight into the health of a relationship.
Committed, healthy relationships can offer a sense of partnership, comfort, support, and myriad other benefits; however, they also require hard work and an ability to look at yourself, your partner, and the relationship in ways that can be uncomfortable.
Kind regards,
Sarah
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