Help! My Husband Is Putting His Hobby Before Our Marriage

July 3, 2015

I've been married for one year. My husband has to travel for work. He leaves Monday morning and comes home on Thursday night. I work Monday to Friday. The only time we can spend together is Saturday and Sunday. He has past failed relationships, which he says failed because both his exes cheated on him. I have never had any relationship before. When we first started meeting, I knew about his budding hobby of photography, however I never realized how crazily obsessed he was with it. I married him because I genuinely fell in love with him. However, he tells me now that he married me because he found me a kind-hearted girl and I supported his photography. We have a very troublesome marriage, as we do not get to spend much time together. And more importantly, he thinks there is nothing wrong with that. He said that's what he thought our marriage would be like. I had expected that as a newly married couple we would spend more time together and do things as a couple to bond, however I later realized that he only wants to spend time together (most of the time) if we are doing anything related to photography. Even our honeymoon trip was completely changed into a photography trip. He gets upset if we miss a sunset or a sunrise photo, but is OK with the fact that—because of his obsession—we are missing out on OUR time, our memories together. If I say this, he says I am against his photography. Now he only wants to shoot night photos. He plans trips for himself once a month which are about being out in the night in national parks with no lights, rattlesnakes, and whatnot. He does not include me. But if he is taking pictures at night, obviously he has to sleep during the day, so that doesn't work out. I have started feeling so alone from the past few months that he bothers me. It affects my mood, I am not happy anymore. I feel my husband does not love me, but rather married me because I was a good fit for his lifestyle. Now he is trying to tell me that he will go out one weekend to take pictures by himself, then spend three weekends with me and work from home for one week a month to compensate for that one weekend he goes out alone. I can't wrap my head around this "I will fit you in my empty spaces in my life" kind of attitude that he is giving me. He says photography will always be his priority and if this doesn't work well with me, I can leave. It hurts me even more that I am the only one who is affected by our issues. He is prepared to let me go, but not his obsession. I am not sure what to do. —Picture Imperfect

It sounds like you are feeling very alone in your marriage. Understandably, that is causing you great pain. I imagine your husband’s rather disinterested, even cold, response to your concerns causes you to feel unloved and like you are just not a priority for him.

Find a Therapist for Relationships

Is he willing to consider engaging in couples therapy? Are you? It seems like it could be very helpful given how far apart you two are on this issue. You are so deeply hurt and unable to get your needs met, and he seems both totally unfazed by your expressions of pain and largely unwilling to make any changes. I wonder if couples therapy could help the two of you to hear each other a bit better. If empathy and compassion can fill the space between you, you might find some middle ground.

Is he willing to consider engaging in couples therapy? Are you? It seems like it could be very helpful given how far apart you two are on this issue.

I also wonder if middle ground isn’t closer than it seems. It sounds like he is willing to compromise to some degree in that he is planning to work from home one week each month since he is also planning to take one weekend a month to go on photography trips. This may indicate that he has heard you to some degree and is willing to make a change to address your concerns.

Couples therapy might also provide an opportunity to bring some of your individual issues to light. I wonder what it is like for your husband to have had both of his previous relationships end due to infidelity. Does this cause him to keep you at a distance so he doesn’t get close enough to get hurt?

You indicate that this is your first relationship. It sounds like you had a lot of expectations about what marriage would be like and those expectations are not being met. An exploration of these unmet expectations might produce some valuable insights for you.

I hope you will both consider seeking out couples therapy to try to bring the relationship to a place that works for both of you. Even if he is unwilling, you might find your own individual therapy to be helpful in sorting out your feelings and determining your course of action.

Best wishes,

Sarah

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org.