Help! I Resent My Mother for Shortchanging Me in Her Will

January 29, 2016

I recently found out that my mother's will gives one of my brothers as much as the other three brothers combined. He was the only one who stayed in the small southern town where we grew up. He hasn't worked for most of his life and still doesn't work. He drives her to the doctor and sometimes cuts the grass. However, he complains to me about this all the time, and about her. I tried to talk to my mother about this, but she refuses to accept that this might be wrong. Her father did the same thing to her; even though she was his only daughter, he gave all of his money to a relative of his wife. You would think she would know how it feels to be treated this way. I resent her for this and also do not speak to the brother anymore. The last time I visited them, he verbally attacked me just like our father used to do. This really bothers me. Is what she did wrong or am I wrong? This really bothers me, but I can't seem to cope with it or just forget it. What do you suggest? —Unfortunate Son

There is no question that inheritance bequests can create significant tension and strife in families. Often, one or more of the surviving relatives feels slighted and unfairly treated. The only person, however, who has the right to decide how to leave their estate is the person creating the will.

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Your mother may have some very clear reasons for allocating her estate the way she has. Of course it doesn’t feel fair to you—but what’s fair isn’t always right, and what’s right isn’t always fair. It may be that your mother feels that her son who stayed close and helps her out (as minimally as it may seem to you) is entitled to more of the estate. It may be that she is concerned about his ability to thrive after she is gone and is trying to make sure he is taken care of. (If this is the case, it may be that she has confidence you’ll be just fine—though I’m sure that would feel like small consolation.) It may be something else completely, but she has her reasons for making the choices she made.

You can allow resentment to poison your relationship with your brother and your mom, or you can let it go.

The choice you are left with, then, is how to respond. You can allow resentment to poison your relationship with your brother and your mom, or you can let it go. When you tried to talk with your mother, did you focus on how these choices made you feel, or did you come from the perspective of right/wrong and fair/unfair?

If you focus on how wrong or unfair her choice seems, you may be met with defensiveness and entrenchment. If you start from a place of accepting that it is her right to make these choices, but that you find her choices hurtful, you may be able to come to a better understanding. She might be able to explain her thinking in a way that makes sense to you, and she might be able to hear and respond to your pain—but not if she has to defend the “rightness” of her choices.

However you choose to approach this, I strongly recommend that you find a way to make peace with your mother before she dies. That might mean seeking personal counseling for yourself to let go of anger and resentment, or perhaps family counseling with your mother and possibly your brother. You have the opportunity to address these issues while she is here to respond. All too often, resentments are left to fester until it is too late to heal the rifts.

Best of luck,

Erika

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