Many people think sarcasm is harmless humor. But for those on the receiving end, it can feel like a subtle wound that lingers long after the words are spoken. If sarcasm has left you feeling hurt, dismissed, or misunderstood, you’re not alone. Many people find that consistent sarcasm can chip away at trust and self-esteem. Understanding why sarcasm can hurt—and how to respond—can help protect your emotional well-being.
I was surprised recently by a discussion among a group of therapists describing how they use sarcasm in their personal lives with children and spouses. I had assumed they would understand why that’s probably not a good idea. Why? Because sarcasm isn’t humor—it’s hostility. And it makes people feel bad.
It may be challenging to accept this, especially if your first reaction is to defend sarcasm as “just joking.” Some believe sarcasm is a sign of high intelligence. Well, no. Well-developed wit is a sign of high intelligence. Wit is insightful, showing us the world in a new way. Great wit is a high art.
Sarcasm, on the other hand, comes from Greek roots meaning “tearing of the flesh.” It’s hostility disguised as humor. If you challenge a sarcastic comment, the person can quickly retreat with “What? I was just kidding!”—but it doesn’t feel like kidding. It feels like veiled criticism.
For some individuals who identify as highly sensitive persons (see the work of Elaine Aron), sarcasm can feel especially biting. Even those who don’t identify as highly sensitive often respond negatively to sarcasm, whether they show it or not.
Think about the last time someone made a sarcastic remark directly at you. Maybe they commented on your “ballet shoes” when you were wearing hiking boots, or said, “Take all the time you need. The rest of the world can wait.” Did you feel appreciated—or hurt? Did it help strengthen your relationship?
We often hear the term passive-aggressive to describe someone whose default mode is sarcasm. On the surface, their words may seem neutral, but underneath lies another meaning—often irritation, resentment, or disapproval. This hidden edge can make sarcasm feel deeply personal and emotionally unsettling.
These passive-aggressive undertones can make sarcasm feel especially personal, leaving lasting emotional impact. Sarcasm directed at an individual can also be a sign that the speaker is unwilling—or unable—to communicate openly about what’s bothering them.
If you’re dealing with someone who regularly uses sarcasm, it may have become a habit disconnected from their conscious intention. Over time, sarcasm can mask an underlying psychological pattern, making it harder for the person to recognize how it affects others.
You can respond by calmly describing the impact of their remark. For example:
Helping someone see how their sarcasm feels—without attacking them—can sometimes prompt reflection. And you can assert that yes, you can take a joke, when it’s truly a joke and not veiled hostility.
Remember that you are entitled to feel discomfort when someone directs sarcasm at you. Sarcasm is not clever wordplay—true wit is clever wordplay.
If you find yourself leaning on sarcasm, consider what you’re really trying to communicate. Could you say it more directly? Or would it be kinder left unsaid? If you hear someone describe “biting sarcasm” as a high art, remember: the “bite” is often what makes it hurt.
If sarcasm is creating tension, misunderstandings, or emotional distance in your personal or professional relationships, a therapist can help you address communication patterns and develop healthier habits. Therapy provides a safe space to explore what’s beneath sarcasm—whether in yourself or in others—and to strengthen trust in your connections.
For over 17 years, GoodTherapy has connected people with ethical, qualified therapists who respect client autonomy and dignity. If sarcasm or passive-aggressive communication is affecting your relationships, you do not have to navigate the challenges alone. A compassionate therapist can help you build healthier communication habits and strengthen your connections. You can find a qualified therapist here through GoodTherapy’s trusted directory.
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