Thanks for your question. I can imagine your chagrin at your husband shifting from what sounds like frequent acquiescence to “no more Mr. Doormat.” The problem, however, is that in his new “take no prisoners” approach he has become rigid and defensive. At least in some areas; you say he is loving and affectionate, though the defensiveness sounds anything but. Is there a particular topic that seems to trigger his hard-line stands?
I don’t know if you’re familiar with the impressive work of John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, but they list defensiveness and stonewalling as two of the “Four (marital) Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” (Contempt and criticism are the others.) Because compromise and flexibility are key to an evolving relationship, I can understand your frustration and hurt feelings. Good you’re addressing it, otherwise resentment and withdrawal may ensue. It sounds like you are starting to feel what he felt in his previous marriages, except in this new casting you are expected to say “OK” to everything, and clearly that is not going to work.
I guess one question I would have is, does he really understand how his new attitude is hurting you? I suppose from a psychodynamic point of view one might say he is defending against feelings of unworthiness and low self-esteem, but he is shifting all of the focus on the outside instead of processing the hurt feelings that may still remain from his previous marriage. You say he is dealing with insecurity, shame, and regret from his previous marriage, all painful, yes—but something to share with you in a tender way, or with a therapist to process and move beyond these internal reactions. (I’m not sure why I’m saying this, but intuitively I sense it might be good for him to find a male therapist to discuss this with, or even a men’s therapy group to find his own voice in all this, without having to go to extremes.)
In any event, it is never a good idea to meet rigidity with rigidity, at least when it comes to relationships (we can see how great it works in the nation’s capital, too). Lasting intimacy rests on trust, and trust requires vulnerability, acknowledgment, mutuality, and an atmosphere of empathy. Your husband seems empathically disconnected from his behavior, which forces you to pull back to protect yourself. I suggest you sit down and tell him how you feel when he acts in such a defensive manner. Try to focus on your own feelings, as opposed to “you’re being defensive,” etc. I find it more effective to say “it really hurts and feels like you don’t care when you …” The hope is that he will listen with his heart and understand that he is harming his beloved with this new stance (the flip side of total acquiescence), and will be motivated to change. Finally, if nothing else works, some marriage counseling might help you talk to each other in a way that breeds closeness rather than hurt. Thanks again for writing.
Respectfully,
Darren
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