Is It So Wrong That I Don’t Care About My Husband’s Affair?

June 14, 2013

What if I don't care about my partner's affair? My husband and I have been married for nearly 30 years. We have two kids, but we've been empty-nesters for a while and have settled into new routines, found new hobbies, and downsized our house. I recently found out that my husband has been having an affair—one of those typical "I've taken up golfing!" excuses, when he's really spending time with her. I had my suspicions for a while, when my husband started getting more distant, then compensating by being really attentive and caring. I have not confronted him about it, and I don't think I will. He puts more effort and energy into our relationship than ever. I know that he still cares for me and I don't believe he's looking for a permanent escape from me or our marriage. Plus, truth be told, I enjoy the alone time! I certainly don't get off on the idea of my husband being with another woman and I don't enjoy thinking about it, but on the other hand I don't really mind it. And I don't want the hassle and emotional toll of confrontation with him. Is it OK for me to just let it go? Am I setting myself up for more hurt down the road? I feel like an awful feminist, because I do believe that cheating is wrong, but in this case it seems to work for us. —No Big Whoop

I think you hit on an essential element of your situation—it seems to be working for you. It’s very easy to get caught up in “shoulds” and external expectations and lose sight of the fact you and your partner may choose to create a satisfying life together that might seem unconventional to others. It matters less that you are a great feminist in the abstract, and more that you are feeling satisfied with the relationships in your life.

That said, I do wonder about your hesitation to talk openly about it with him. The fact you are worried about the “hassle” and “emotional toll” of talking about it says to me that perhaps something is not quite working for you. Right now, the affair is a “secret,” and keeping big secrets tends to undermine relationships rather than foster healthy, stable ones. It may work in the short term, but think about how much energy is going into each of you pretending the affair is not happening. That is hard work! At some point, one or both of you may just get too tired to maintain the pretense. Eventually, secrets tend to come out. What might happen if your husband were to discover months from now that you knew all along? What are you afraid might happen if you were to talk about it now? What do you fear you might lose? What might there be to gain? You may want to consider talking with a therapist to explore your fears and hesitation, and also to take an affirmative look at what you do want from your relationships and your life as you move forward.

You mention two positive elements of this affair—you get some alone time that you enjoy, and your husband has been more attentive and caring. It seems like that may be a place to start as you consider what it is that you want. If you are honest with yourself about what you want and need, then you will have the information you need to make the best decisions you can. Since you cannot control how your husband responds or what steps he chooses to take, all you can do is try to make decisions that feel right to you.

Best of luck,

Erika

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