Thank you for writing. I am so sorry this happened to you. It frankly makes my blood boil. This breach and exploitation is exactly what therapists are never supposed to do. To me, it’s akin to incest. I’m glad you’re reaching out about it. Despite whatever conflicted feelings you might be having, please know that this was not your fault in any way. Maintaining that professional wall and keeping the boundary between healer and client is solely the responsibility of the therapist. Psychological safety and doing no harm is our top priority. It’s heartbreaking that your therapist so violated the sanctity of the relationship.
Of course, from a psychological viewpoint, this kind of gross violation of boundaries and trust will bring up all kinds of conflicted and traumatic feelings for the client. (This is one of many reasons that such a breach indicates the therapist has lost her way in the profession.) What’s especially tragic is that this experience may have parallel emotional resonance for those who were abused or neglected as children. One of the most common misperceptions by victims of such abuse is that they think, somehow, in a desperate effort to make sense of a painfully chaotic phenomenon, that they “caused” or “brought on” the abuse. Therapy is set up so that it really is all about the client; when this kind of abuse transpires, how can the client help but think (among other things) that the violation is somehow “about me”? Trust me: This is about a malpracticing therapist.
The feelings you’re having are quite understandable; however—and I hate to say this—they most likely won’t just go away on their own. You allude to this in your letter in that, five years hence, the pain lingers. In a way, it means you have a communicative psyche that needs some sustained, loving attention; you deserve the care and guidance of a competent therapist to help you heal. The fact other therapists wanted you to press charges may be a sign of how seriously we take our oath as healers—it’s enraging when we hear of violations of that oath. However, you are not obligated to do anything that feels too scary or overwhelming. You may want to press charges at some point, you may not. That doesn’t seem to be what you’re needing right now, and such a decision can come later, if ever. It’s not your job to “police” anyone. We don’t want to create a situation wherein we “blame the victim.”
The first step is a healing process wherein you can reintegrate and reconnect with whatever had to be dissociated or sacrificed to live with the hurt of this abuse. Other decisions will likely follow of their own accord.
I’m curious as to your statement that “most people don’t believe a woman can abuse another woman.” Since that falls outside the range of my own experience, I would want to know more about that, i.e. who “most people” are. Most people in your circle of family and friends? Potential authorities who would evaluate this case? Has your mistreatment at the hands of others ever been doubted?
You are alluding to what I call the double whammy of trauma—first there is the painful abuse itself, and then (and this is often what causes the real hurt and disruption) the denial or minimization of the abuse. It’s possible that we can heal from hurtful events if those who participated acknowledge both the event and their participation, followed by their amending such behaviors. With the repetition of abuse and denial, and no commitment by the abusers to cease, we begin to wonder if we are in fact “exaggerating” or even “crazy.” A painful split emerges between mind and body, as we doubt our own perceptions, memories, and physical reality. This takes a lot of time to heal, to reconnect with and trust our own emotional experience and intuition, but repair is possible. Your perspective on these events may shift once the fractures begin to heal.
You may need to tell your therapist—and I’m hoping you have one you trust, or want to find one—that you’re not interested in pursuing any reporting or recriminatory actions just now. It sounds like you need now to put yourself first, make sense of what happened, and engage in a healing process with someone who will cherish the trust you give to him or her. It is a privilege for us to be trusted, and it’s something we have to earn. Don’t feel in any hurry—in fact, I’d encourage you to go at a pace that feels right to you.
I’m sorry this happened, but so glad you wrote in. I hope this answer helped in some small way. Please don’t give up on finding the right person, in spite of this awful breach. Warmest good wishes to you.
Kind regards,
Darren
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