Thank you so much for writing, and I’m very sorry to hear about your loss. The short version of my answer is: continue counseling, and make sure it’s the right fit. Ideally, we want to feel we’re seeing (and paying) someone who truly “gets” how painful our challenges are (and why, within the context of our life histories), and who offers feedback or options that feel attuned to who we are and what we need at any given phase. I am not implying you have not found the right person; I wouldn’t presume to know from a single letter, and perhaps you’re still in the early phase of your therapy. But the fact you’re writing to me while already in counseling tells me something.
Is there something you feel you’re not getting from counseling? Are there things you feel you need more (or less) of? Is there something keeping you from sharing certain things with your counselor? A good therapist will be open to all sorts of feedback, so ask yourself these questions and please do voice your concerns with whomever you’re seeing so you feel heard, understood, and supported through this intensely painful process. I would add, too, that rumination and obsession is a hallmark of anxiety; I’ve never met anyone who could “figure out” a problem that was, at the root, emotionally traumatic and world-shattering. Our intellect is a wonderful tool, but not the only one in the toolkit.
It’s perhaps too early to call this a “scar” since this implies the original wound has healed, and from the sound of things I’m not sure that’s the case. The kind of traumatic grief and loss you’re describing will definitely impact your relationships. Sometimes people who suffer such losses find it hard to sustain the kind of vulnerability and trust an intimate relationship requires, as you imply in your note. It sounds like you find yourself unintentionally or unconsciously needing to defend against the terror of a repeated abandonment; usually beneath anger is hurt, which might explain the intensity of the arguments you describe. You find yourself becoming frightened or angry over the inevitable conflicts of relationships, or over “red flags” that definitely indicate betrayal or abandonment due to the amplified after-effects of your loss.
I’m not sure why your current partner is saying things are squarely on your shoulders, but that again is something to explore with your therapist, because in a way the experience you’re having with your partners might—and again, this is highly speculative—be happening with your therapist, in that you end up feeling alone and overwhelmed without any real help. (And again, you’re in counseling but are writing for help.) Of course, it’s so hard to put our heart and soul on the line when we feel so tragically betrayed. Maybe in your trauma states you act in ways that inadvertently sabotage the relationships; fear has a way of stoking adrenaline and anger as a way to defend against the terrors of loss and abandonment. (It is parallel, if not equal to, posttraumatic stress.) Loved ones of those who have taken their own lives often report feeling abandoned or left, as if “I wasn’t enough for them to stick around.” It would be helpful to explore with your therapist what your mom’s death means. Is it an unexpected loss of a close relationship? Does it symbolize the finalization of a relationship that was difficult? All of this is so important to explore in the context of how this tragic event has impacted you.
I feel for you, dear reader. You’re in a very difficult place. But you have the courage to reach out and seek help, and that’s a noble thing. You might, in addition to discussing some of this with your counselor, try doing an Internet search for either local and/or online grief support groups, the idea being that this really is impossible to do on your own. I commend you for reaching out, and I can assure you that you’re not alone; so many of the people who come to me for help are wrestling with the same challenges, wrought by actual abandonments that have shattered their emotional lives and made current relationships difficult, if not impossible. Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time (fear tends to get us way into the future), and keep looking until you find the support that your heart and gut tell you is right. Thank you for writing.
All my best,
Darren
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