Help! My Husband Won’t Let Me Discipline His Children

April 24, 2015

In December I married a man who has four children. I am unable to have children of my own. My problem, which I hope you can provide some advice on, is that my husband will not allow me to discipline the children, who I now view as our children but he seems to think otherwise. I know I haven't had the benefit of being in their lives since the day they were born but if I'm going to be a mother to these kids, I have to be able to give love as well as guidance and discipline where appropriate, right? The kids are 6, 7, 9, and 11 years old. When I talk about discipline I just mean things like grounding them for a week, or taking away their phone privileges for a day, or asking them to do chores (which they are supposed to be doing anyway), or admonishing them for cursing, or saying they have to do their homework before they play games. Things like that. It is OK for my husband to do these things but he gets mad at me when I do them. He says they view him as the authority figure and he knows them best and he doesn't want them to have a negative view of me. I think discipline is just part of raising kids and I'm not just here to be a housewife. I want to be a mom too. Can you help? —Marginalized Mom

You have put your finger on one of the biggest challenges in blended families—the role of stepparents in discipline. There is no single right answer for this question; every family and family situation is unique. You are also a newly blended family and will experience growing pains as you all, kids included, adjust to this major change.

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This may be hard to hear, but marrying your husband does not automatically make you “mom” to his kids. I hear your desire to parent, and I am sure you have so much love and guidance to offer them. If, however, you and your husband are not on the same page about your role, there is no way the kids will follow your lead. Your attempts to parent them without the support of your husband will only lead to confusion and tension and very likely resentment. You can still be a loving, responsible adult in their lives without having to be their parent.

I often recommend to couples who are blending families that they discuss expectations and roles prior to making any major changes. It is not too late, however to have these conversations. I highly recommend that you and your husband enlist the help of a therapist who works with blended families to talk through your concerns. Your husband may have some specific reasons he wants you to stay out of the discipline realm.

You mention he doesn’t want the kids to have a negative view of you. Perhaps he is nervous that if you take on the role of disciplinarian, it will negatively impact their acceptance of you into the family or create conflict he isn’t ready to handle. One of the greatest challenges in blended families is a parent feeling like he or she has to choose between the new spouse and the kids. Your husband might be trying to avoid that dynamic by keeping your relationship with the kids strictly positive. You may or may not agree with those reasons, but talking about them is the first step, and a trained therapist can help nurture and guide that conversation.

It is important for your role in the family to be clear to everyone. You are entitled to respect as a member of the family. With four children approaching the tween and teen years, you can expect many challenges to authority—yours and your husband’s. It is critical that you act as a team with shared understanding and purpose. What that understanding is will depend very much on what works for all of you.

Best of luck!

Erika

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