{"id":9324,"date":"2011-07-08T14:30:38","date_gmt":"2011-07-08T21:30:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=9324"},"modified":"2017-03-28T15:19:32","modified_gmt":"2017-03-28T22:19:32","slug":"chronic-illness-hypersensitivity-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/chronic-illness-hypersensitivity-relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"Living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>I recently stumbled across a new blog called <em>Infinite Daze<\/em> where the author poignantly writes about her daily struggles with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS).\u00a0 In a recent post titled <em>Should I Stay or Should I Go Now<\/em>, she has this to say about her marriage:<\/p>\n<p><em>\u201cI had a revelation today.\u00a0During my son\u2019s graduation ceremony\u00a0at his high school, my husband came up to me and squatted down next to my wheelchair to share a story with me.\u00a0Without thinking I ran my hand over his hair and down his arm. I\u2019m still in love with this guy.\u00a0He can be very nice.\u00a0He can be very sweet.\u00a0I married him because of this. This is why I find his behavior so baffling. I\u2019ve known this guy just shy of 25 years.\u00a0That is a long time.\u00a0The meanness, the temper tantrums, the spitefulness is all new.\u00a0I\u2019ve never seen this in him before. Living with someone for 25 years means this isn\u2019t behavior that has been hidden away.\u00a0It is brand spanking new. It is why I\u2019ve been blindsided with it. I so didn\u2019t see this coming.\u00a0It also makes the whole idea of divorce so messy.\u00a0If he was always nasty this would be a no-brainer.\u00a0I would up and leave in a heartbeat.\u00a0But he swings hot and cold.\u00a0One day he is super nice to me; takes good care of me and even gives me hugs.\u00a0The next day he is slamming doors and telling me he wants out.\u00a0I am so very confused.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Ever feel like you\u2019re living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?\u00a0Your partner\u00a0is warm, loving and compassionate one moment and angry, silent or indifferent the next.\u00a0 What\u2019s up with that?\u00a0You\u2019ve most likely rubbed your partner\u2019s \u201craw spot.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>We all struggle with vulnerable feelings in love whether we want to admit it or not.\u00a0It\u2019s inevitable that we will hurt each other with careless words or selfish actions.\u00a0While these occasions sting, the pain is often fleeting and we get over it quickly.\u00a0But according to Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, almost all of us have at least one hypersensitivity \u2013 <em>a raw spot in our emotional skin<\/em>&#8211; that is tender to the touch, easily rubbed, and deeply painful.\u00a0 When this spot gets rubbed often enough, it can bleed all over our relationship.<\/p>\n<p>For those of us in chronic marriages, this hypersensitivity can emerge seemingly out of nowhere at the onset of our illness when the need for support from our partner is particularly intense, but it doesn\u2019t come.\u00a0When our need for attachment and connection is repeatedly neglected, ignored or dismissed, it results in two potential raw spots: feeling <em>emotionally deprived <\/em>or<em> deserted\/abandoned<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>I know my raw spot rather well.\u00a0When I hear a tone of impatience in my husband\u2019s voice (chronic illness-related or not), I get angry and defensive.\u00a0It sends me back to days when my father would dismiss me as not being important or worthy enough of his time.\u00a0My father\u2019s impatience was his way of disconnecting from the relationship.\u00a0This experience made me hypersensitive \u2013 impatience signals emotional abandonment to me.<\/p>\n<p>Many of us have no idea what our own raw spots are, let alone our partners&#8217;.\u00a0 We simply get caught up in the same old vicious cycle of petty squabbles and conflicts when in actuality they are symptoms of a raw and tender spot on our emotional skin.<\/p>\n<p>So how do you identify your raw spot?<\/p>\n<p>Think about a time in your marriage when you got suddenly thrown off balance, when a small response or lack of response suddenly seemed to change your sense of safety or connection with your spouse, or when you got totally caught up in reacting in a way that you knew would spiral you into your usual dysfunctional pattern of relating.\u00a0Maybe you are aware of a moment when you found yourself reacting very angrily or numbing out.<\/p>\n<p>Let\u2019s unpack this incident:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>What was happening in the relationship?\u00a0 What was the trigger that created a sense of emotional disconnection for you?\u00a0 What was your general feeling in the split second before you reacted and got mad or numb?\u00a0 What did your spouse specifically do or say that sparked this response?<\/li>\n<li>As you think of a moment when your own raw spot is rubbed, what happens to your body?\u00a0 You might feel spacey, detached, hot, breathless, tight in the chest, very small, empty, shaky, tearful, cold, on fire.<\/li>\n<li>What does your brain decide about the meaning of all this?\u00a0 What do you say to yourself when this happens?<\/li>\n<li>What did you do then?\u00a0 How do you move into action?<\/li>\n<li>See if you can tie in all these elements together by filling in the blanks below:<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>In this incident, the trigger for my raw feeling was _________.\u00a0 On the surface, I probably showed _____________.\u00a0 But deep down, I just felt (pick one of the basic negative emotions, sadness, anger, shame, fear).\u00a0 What I longed for was ___________.\u00a0 The main message I got about our bond, about me or my love was _________________.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Here are some common scenarios:<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>You experience a flare-up and it\u2019s worse than usual.\u00a0You are really struggling and looking for support and empathy from your husband.\u00a0 He begins to suggest ways you can get your flare-up under control.\u00a0You hear his suggestions as him lecturing you.\u00a0In your head you say to yourself, \u201cHe\u2019s judging me.\u00a0 He\u2019s not with me in this.\u00a0I have to do this all on my own.\u00a0My need for support doesn\u2019t matter. This is scary\u201d.\u00a0 What happens next? You start yelling and tell him he\u2019s a jerk and you don\u2019t need his help anyway.<\/p>\n<p>Or how about this scenario?<\/p>\n<p>Your husband asks you to watch a movie with him on the couch after dinner.\u00a0Your head is pounding from a migraine and you tell him you\u2019re tired and going to bed.\u00a0The next morning you ask him if a certain outfit looks good on you.\u00a0He says \u201cit\u2019s OK but since when does my opinion really make a difference here?\u00a0Wear what you want.\u00a0What I want is irrelevant.\u201d\u00a0Still stuck in feelings of rejection from the previous night, his sadness over lack of connection with you force him into withdrawal and giving you the silent treatment.<\/p>\n<p>In both scenarios, rage and withdrawal mask the emotions that are central in vulnerability: sadness, shame, and most of all, fear.<\/p>\n<p>If you find yourself continually stuck in an unhealthy pattern of relating with your spouse, you can bet it is being sparked by attempts to deal with the pain of a sore spot, or more likely, sore spots in both of you. And unfortunately, your raw spots almost inevitably rub against your spouse\u2019s.\u00a0Rub one in your spouse, and his or her reaction often irritates one in you.<\/p>\n<p>What\u2019s the dead giveaway that tells you your raw spot or your spouse\u2019s raw spot has been hit?<\/p>\n<p>First, there is a sudden and radical shift in the emotional tone of the conversation.\u00a0You and your spouse were joking just a minute ago, but now one of you is upset or angry, or, conversely, aloof and cold.\u00a0You are thrown off balance.\u00a0It\u2019s as if the rules changed and no one told you.<\/p>\n<p>Second, your spouse\u2019s reaction to a perceived offense seems way out of proportion.<\/p>\n<p>These signs are all about attachment needs and fears popping up.\u00a0They are all about our deepest and most powerful emotions suddenly taking over. We get set to move in a particular way, toward, away from, or against our spouse.\u00a0This readiness to act is wired into every emotion.\u00a0Anger tells us to approach and fight.\u00a0Shame tells us to withdraw and hide.\u00a0 Fear tells us to flee or freeze, or in real extremes to turn back and attack back. Sadness tells us to grieve and let go.<\/p>\n<p>All this happens in a nanosecond.<\/p>\n<p>Stopping these destructive patterns depends not only on identifying and stopping our unhealthy ways of relating but also on finding and soothing our raw spots and helping our spouse to do the same.<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s how you do just that:<\/p>\n<ol>\n<li><strong>Stop the Game<\/strong> \u2013 one or both of you has to say \u201cCan we stop this?\u00a0 This is the place we always go.\u00a0 We get trapped here and we end up totally exhausted and defeated.\u201d<\/li>\n<li><strong>Claim Your Own Moves<\/strong> \u2013 together come up with a short summary of your moves.\u00a0 e.g. you lose it while your spouse pretends not to be affected; you get louder and threaten; your spouse sees you as impossible and withdraws.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Claim Your Own Feelings<\/strong> \u2013 talk about your own feelings rather than focusing on your spouse and blaming everything on him\/her.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Own How You Shape Your Partner\u2019s Feelings <\/strong>\u2013 Recognize how your usual way of dealing with your emotions pulls your spouse off balance and turns on deeper attachment fears.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Ask About Your Partner\u2019s Deeper Emotions<\/strong> \u2013 Look at the big picture and slow down a little.\u00a0 Begin to be curious about your spouse\u2019s softer, underlying emotions, rather than just listening to your own hurts and fears and assuming the worst about your spouse.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Share Your Own Deeper, Softer Emotions<\/strong> \u2013 Although voicing your deepest emotions, especially fears around not being connected or attached to your spouse, may be the most difficult step for you, it is also the most rewarding.\u00a0 Let your spouse see what\u2019s really at stake when you argue.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Stand Together <\/strong>\u2013 Take the above steps and forge a renewed and true partnership.\u00a0 You now have a common ground and cause.\u00a0 You no longer see each other as enemies but allies.\u00a0 You can take control of escalating negative conversations that feed your insecurities and face those insecurities together.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p><em>Content for this article has been adapted from the book Hold Me Tight<\/em><em> by Dr. Sue Johnson. <\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I recently stumbled across a new blog called Infinite Daze where the author poignantly writes about her daily struggles with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS).? In a recent post titled Should I Stay or Should I Go Now, she has this to say about her marriage: ?I had a revelation today.?During my son?s graduation [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2376,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[231,452,387,465,25,27,41],"class_list":["post-9324","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-anger","tag-chronic-illness-disability","tag-communication-problems","tag-emotionally-focused-therapy","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-psychotherapy-models","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9324","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2376"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9324"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9324\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9324"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9324"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9324"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}