{"id":8823,"date":"2011-06-27T12:50:07","date_gmt":"2011-06-27T19:50:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=8823"},"modified":"2016-03-24T12:50:25","modified_gmt":"2016-03-24T19:50:25","slug":"resentful-compliance-commitment-communication","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/resentful-compliance-commitment-communication\/","title":{"rendered":"Resentful Compliance Versus Commitment"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Angry<\/p>\n

The definitions of resentful compliance and commitment can help you understand how the differences between them can alter the course of a relationship<\/a>.<\/p>\n

The Effects of Resentful Compliance<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Resentful compliance is an agreement that is not an agreement, but sounds like one.\u00a0Right away you may be able to see the potential problems resentful compliance might spawn.\u00a0Resentful compliance—going along to get along, as it is sometimes called—means doing something somebody else wants you to do even though you do not want to do it. The problem is that you do not, or cannot, say \u201cno\u201d when you want to, and instead you agree to do something just to get the other one off your back.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the twist—there are the resentfully compliant who do what their partner wants but are resentful<\/a> about doing it.\u00a0There are also those who don\u2019t do what their partner asks or demands; they say “yes” but passively fail to follow through. They, too, may resent their partner for a variety of reasons. They actively agree to do what their partner wants to appease him or her, then passive aggressively<\/a> refuse to follow through.<\/p>\n

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Find a Therapist for Relationships<\/a><\/h2>\n\t
\n\n\t\t\t\t\n\n\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\n\t\tAdvanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div>When complying with a request or demand is accompanied by resentment and it develops into a pattern, the resentment toward your partner is palpable, and the disdain for repeatedly selling yourself out is significant.\u00a0This type of conflict pattern is difficult to break without counseling<\/a> and can drive a huge wedge between the two of you. The resentfully compliant one feels bossed around on the surface but underneath feels weak, powerless, and scared<\/a> to express him or herself.\u00a0The resentfully compliant one often feels unheard, misunderstood, unloved, and without a voice. This person is often conflict averse.<\/p>\n

On the other hand, the partner of the resentfully compliant person resents the passive aggressive behavior and often meets with denial<\/a> when confronting it.\u00a0If confronting the resentfully compliant is done with intense emotional reactivity, the price of honesty is deemed too high, and the conversation shuts down as quickly as it began. Rinse, wash, and repeat—the gap between the two of you widening. This is a recipe for one of two typical outcomes: either constant bickering and fighting or painful distance and silence, like two ships passing in the night.\u00a0By the way, neither of those typically lead to a good sex life<\/a>.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s up to the resentfully compliant one to begin to voice his or her discontent with what\u2019s going on.\u00a0Your partner may be\u00a0angry<\/a> and resentful that \u201cyou never live up to your commitments,\u201d or \u201cyou never do what you say.\u201d\u00a0Likewise, the one making the request must keep their reactivity low when they hear \u201cno\u201d if they want commitment<\/a> in place of resentful compliance.<\/p>\n

What neither understand is that there is never commitment when there is resentful compliance.\u00a0Resentful compliance negates responsibility, undercuts integrity, and only gives the appearance of a commitment.\u00a0That is why resentful compliance is often mistaken for a commitment.<\/p>\n

Following Through with Commitment<\/h2>\n

Commitment follows a decision to accept responsibility for doing something based on mutual acceptance and\/or agreement.\u00a0A request is considered, discussed with your partner—perhaps with some negotiation—and then acted upon. When following through with a particular commitment, integrity remains intact, and the trust<\/a> between the two of you is reinforced. Commitments are typically made consciously and together.<\/p>\n

When you follow through with a commitment, you do so because you understand that following through, in general, keeps trust alive.\u00a0There may be the occasional decision to be a good sport and \u201cgo along to get along,\u201d but it is not done as part of a pattern that has a core of resentment running through it.<\/p>\n

The Partners of the Resentfully Compliant<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Are you the partner of someone who is resentfully compliant?\u00a0 If you think you are, ask yourself the following questions:<\/p>\n