{"id":8734,"date":"2011-06-15T08:41:04","date_gmt":"2011-06-15T15:41:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=8734"},"modified":"2015-08-19T15:16:08","modified_gmt":"2015-08-19T22:16:08","slug":"tips-resolve-conflicts-cash","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/tips-resolve-conflicts-cash\/","title":{"rendered":"7 Tips to Resolve Conflicts About Cash"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"AUnresolved conflict about money\u00a0can be a major factor in a couple’s decision to get a divorce<\/a>. Learning to communicate effectively<\/a> about money may be the best solution.<\/p>\n

The ability to face, handle, and resolve conflict is a skill. Unfortunately it is usually not a skill we are taught in school.\u00a0What we do learn about conflict, for better or worse, comes from observing how conflict was handled in our families growing up<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Some people may have\u00a0grown up in\u00a0homes where conflict was hidden; peace at all costs. No one dared take it on or discuss it. Differences lay silent for years. Conflict was swept under the rug and its existence denied. It may have been a quiet home, but there wasn\u2019t deep and genuine closeness. Others may have experienced the opposite—a home where conflict reigned as king. Chronic conflict may have been driven by one or both parents. Maybe there were episodes of yelling, fighting, or sarcasm in which nothing was ever resolved and\u00a0tension filled the air. Somewhere in between, there may have been\u00a0homes where occasional fights occurred\u00a0with\u00a0raised voices, but parents made a consistent effort to come back and talk calmly about issues so they could come to a resolution, apologize, and make up.<\/p>\n

What Did You Learn About Managing Conflict?
\n<\/em><\/h2>\n

\n\t

Find a Therapist for Relationships<\/a><\/h2>\n\t
\n\n\t\t\t\t\n\n\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\n\t\tAdvanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div>Education about financial matters can be\u00a0scant or non-existent. I recall learning how to write checks and balance a checkbook in high school; but learning about income, debt, what it costs to buy a home or raise children, how to budget, why saving is so important, how a 401K or a Roth IRA works, the difference between a bond and a mutual fund, how to diversify a portfolio, or how to make financial decisions were all gaps in my education. Now combine\u00a0two people—who were\u00a0raised with different money values and experiences—into a marriage<\/a>. Can you see why trying to communicate about and handle money differences can wreak havoc on a\u00a0marriage?<\/p>\n

What emotions<\/a> do you feel about money?<\/em>
\nWhat did you learn about handling finances?<\/em>
\nHow about your partner?<\/em><\/p>\n

Our seven tips to resolving money conflict is a method we have used ourselves and with couples in Couple to Couple Coaching\u00a9. Conflict resolution is a skill anyone can learn. You and your partner can\u00a0practice this, and then teach it to your kids.<\/p>\n

1. Take it on together<\/strong> \u2013 Face and embrace conflict around money; do not avoid it or endlessly argue\u00a0and\u00a0fight about it. Carve out some quiet time for the two of you to talk without interruption, even if you have to hire a babysitter. Agree that during the discussion you will remember that this is not about who is right and who is wrong, but about two people with different points of view coming to a consensus.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t put a conflict between the two of you; <\/em>put the problem on the chalkboard and solve it as a team.<\/em><\/p>\n

2. Check your emotions<\/strong> \u2013 Money can be a highly charged issue. Agree that one of you will speak at a time. Use \u201cI\u201d statements so you own your point of view. While one person is speaking, the other person must listen for understanding, not for developing their response back. Listen deeply until you understand your partner\u2019s point of view so well that you could defend them in court, even if you don\u2019t agree with it. If the conversation heats up even a little, agree that you will stop talking for the moment.<\/p>\n

If you get emotionally hijacked during conflict, separate to soothe your own emotions; <\/em>then come back to continue the discussion.<\/em><\/p>\n

3. Get the facts<\/strong> \u2013 When couples come in with money conflicts, we often find that only one of them really knows what is going on financially, or that the two of them have never sat down together and looked at the numbers. How much income comes in? What are the fixed and variable expenses? Get your financial facts in order. If you don\u2019t know how, agree to go to a financial adviser or your accountant to get this information.<\/p>\n

Part of the solution to money conflict may lie with the numbers; i<\/em>magine your home is a family business and do a Profit & Loss statement.<\/em><\/p>\n

4. Explore \u201cwho owns the money\u201d<\/strong> \u2013 Most couples we have seen don\u2019t have equal income.\u00a0Maybe\u00a0one partner is staying home with the kids and earns no income, or two partners earn substantially different amounts of income. What we see in practice is the one who earns the greater income or the sole income feels entitled to decide\u00a0how the money is spent. Often,\u00a0the one who earns less or no money feels deterred from spending\u00a0the partner\u2019s money. Here is how we look at it:<\/p>\n

If you truly believe that the investment and synthesis of innumerable tasks is what creates a family<\/a>—child care, shopping, doing laundry, cleaning, paying bills, managing finances, scheduling doctors appointments, making money—then it follows that return on investment, including income, belongs to the couple as equal partners.<\/em><\/p>\n

5. Look for deeper meaning – <\/strong>Often, disagreements about money are not really what they seem. Each of us have very different feelings about money. Have a conversation with your partner about what positive and\/or negative feelings money brings up for you. Here\u00a0is\u00a0a list to get you started:<\/p>\n