{"id":8663,"date":"2011-06-06T15:35:02","date_gmt":"2011-06-06T22:35:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=8663"},"modified":"2015-06-10T04:06:36","modified_gmt":"2015-06-10T11:06:36","slug":"couples-do-dont-speak-same-language","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/couples-do-dont-speak-same-language\/","title":{"rendered":"What Can Couples Do When They Don’t Speak the Same Language?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"CoupleThis is not a post about people speaking two different languages such as English and Spanish.\u00a0 This is a story about couples that talk to each other but it feels as if they just don\u2019t speak the same language; they talk but they can\u2019t hear each other, as if both are speaking in a foreign dialect. Couples who fall into this category try to communicate but usually end up giving up because it gets too frustrating. Both people want to get their points across, but because it\u2019s so difficult, many couples just stop trying. This is more common than you might think. I often see couples come in for counseling; they will look at me as if I am a translator and can help them decipher their partner and help them understand each other. They both hope that I can bridge the gap that\u2019s been keeping them separate, sometimes for a long time.<\/p>\n

Most couples in this predicament have spent a lot of time trying to fix the problem.\u00a0 They\u2019ve also probably grown tired of trying because they each feel as if they already know what the other person is going to say and they just don\u2019t want to hear it.\u00a0 In this case they often just stop talking to them.\u00a0 These couples are at an impasse, and that\u2019s not uncommon either. Each person had needs that have not been met. They each want to convey something to the other person, only they don\u2019t know how. They have been trying to accomplish this, maybe for years and they are so tired of trying they have just given up and accepted that this is how they are going to feel in the relationship—frustrated, disappointed, discouraged.<\/p>\n

When people have been living with this situation for a long period of time it\u2019s not uncommon for one or the other to say, \u201cIt\u2019s not working.\u201d\u00a0 The truth is; it\u2019s not.\u00a0This relationship is not working in terms of two people feeling good about it and each other. That\u2019s why counseling can be helpful.\u00a0As a marriage and family therapist I am able to hear what\u2019s missing. I can understand what a conversation would sound like if the couple was having one where each got his and her point across and could be heard.<\/p>\n

When I meet with a couple in this kind of situation I start by asking each to tell me about their life.\u00a0 As a third party I have no trouble hearing each as individuals.\u00a0 I gather information and then I help them decode what they can\u2019t seem to hear or understand about the other. Since I am not invested in the outcome of what I am hearing I can easily investigate what one person is trying to say to the other. \u00a0Sometimes it sounds like, \u201cHe never listens to me,\u201d or \u201cShe always nags me.\u201d These complaints are loaded with emotions. It\u2019s not just the words I am interested in; it\u2019s what feelings accompany the discomfort. I often can hear what is missing, which usually encompasses longing or attention. When she says, \u201cHe never listens,\u201d I hear a longing to feel valued. When he says, \u201cShe always nags,\u201d I hear \u201cI feel invisible.\u201d Some of what\u2019s not being said could sound like this, the wife wants to be heard when she tells her husband about something. The husband wants the wife to understand that he doesn\u2019t feel appreciated. It\u2019s very frustrating to live in a relationship where you don\u2019t feel your partner values or appreciates you. These are important aspects of a good partnership.

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Couples that find themselves in this sort of struggle are in need of new ways to communicate to get their points across. To achieve this, each person has to do some internal work to learn what they need. When each person knows what he or she needs they can then ask for it from the other person \u2013 instead of just being upset because they are not getting it. No more expecting from the partner, no more disappointment and loneliness either. Just two people relating openly and honestly about how they feel and what they would like. When couples do this, then they get true communication, where each person can be heard.\u00a0And that\u2019s a whole lot easier than speaking a foreign language.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This is not a post about people speaking two different languages such as English and Spanish.\u00a0 This is a story about couples that talk to each other but it feels as if they just don\u2019t speak the same language; they talk but they can\u2019t hear each other, as if both are speaking in a foreign […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3218,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[387,25,41],"class_list":["post-8663","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-communication-problems","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8663","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3218"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8663"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8663\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8663"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8663"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8663"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}