{"id":8565,"date":"2011-05-23T10:56:46","date_gmt":"2011-05-23T17:56:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=8565"},"modified":"2013-07-17T21:40:10","modified_gmt":"2013-07-18T04:40:10","slug":"receiving-compliments-self-esteem","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/receiving-compliments-self-esteem\/","title":{"rendered":"Can You Take a Compliment?"},"content":{"rendered":"


\nYou look terrific today. I love what you\u2019re wearing. You have such a nice smile. I like the sound of your voice.
\n<\/em>
\nMany people would rather eat a broccoli-flavored Popsicle than be on the receiving end of a compliment. Are you one of them? How did you feel when you read the previous paragraph? Receiving compliments \u2013 and also giving them \u2013 is hard when self-esteem has been injured. Low self-esteem tells us we\u2019re just plain not good enough. And we imagine that if we can see it, so can everyone else.<\/p>\n

If I believe I\u2019m a dull and boring person, I will assume that you agree with me. So if you tell me that you think I\u2019m fun and interesting, something feels very wrong. Either you\u2019re being nice to spare my feelings, you don\u2019t know me very well, or you\u2019re just plain lying to me. Any way you slice it, your compliment makes me uncomfortable!<\/p>\n

The key to being comfortable with compliments is to stop believing that other people share your low opinion of you. They don\u2019t. They aren\u2019t as critical of you as you are. And even if they were, they don\u2019t have time to evaluate you because they\u2019re too wrapped up in their own concerns.<\/p>\n

The mistaken notion that others are judging can be seen in action when teenagers are forced to appear in public with their parents. They assume the world can see how weird their parents are, and they seem to be horrified by everything their parents say and do. If you\u2019re a bystander, the source of their humiliation is often a complete mystery.<\/p>\n

Accept the fact that people don\u2019t see you as you see you. If someone offers you a compliment, they\u2019re likely telling the truth. Isn\u2019t it possible that someone could find your eyes beautiful? Or enjoy your singing? Or genuinely appreciate your fashion sense?<\/p>\n

When you receive a compliment, smile. Say \u201cThank you,\u201d or \u201cHow kind of you,\u201d or something equally simple.<\/p>\n

If you have difficult feelings when receiving compliments, you don\u2019t have to act on them. You don\u2019t have to tell the complimenter how wrong they are, for example, or point out something that\u2019s bad about you. Graciously receive the compliment, then talk over your feelings later with your therapist or a trusted friend. Low self-esteem doesn\u2019t just make it hard to receive compliments; it can also make it nearly impossible to give them.<\/p>\n

When self-esteem is very low, it\u2019s like being financially strapped. You\u2019re walking around with your very last $5 in your pocket. Using it to buy lunch for someone else is not an option. You literally cannot afford to give your money away.<\/p>\n

Think of someone who seems to have more confidence than you, and who is also very attractive. Now picture yourself telling that person, \u201cGee, you look like a million bucks!\u201d and picture them basking in your compliment. Giving an already-confident person such a gift would feel like taking Bill Gates out to lunch on your last $5. Ridiculous, right? Bill Gates should be taking you out, not the other way around. He can afford it. You can\u2019t. The only problem is, if you\u2019re not giving away compliments, you\u2019re missing out on opportunities to feel good about yourself.<\/p>\n

A compliment, like a gift, does as much for the giver as for the receiver. You get to experience yourself as generous and kind. You get to light up someone\u2019s life for a moment \u2013 what power! And you affirm to yourself that you CAN afford it. As long as you have something to give away, you\u2019re rich.<\/p>\n

Practice giving compliments. Make them honest so you don\u2019t feel too phony. It\u2019s bound to feel a little forced if you\u2019re not used to doing this, so do make sure you can be honest in what you choose to compliment.<\/p>\n

Start today with someone you think it would be easy for you to compliment. It doesn\u2019t have to be elaborate. \u201cI like your tie\u201d is a compliment. If you don\u2019t normally give them, people who know you might think you\u2019re being sarcastic. Don\u2019t be thrown by this. Just say, \u201cNo, I mean it. I like your tie.\u201d<\/p>\n

Notice how it feels to offer the gift of your attention and appreciation. Give at least one compliment every day and watch what happens. If you run out of people to compliment, try giving them to yourself!<\/p>\n

Giving and receiving compliments is easier with high self-esteem. But like all behaviors that interact with self-esteem, compliments are both cause and effect. That is, high self-esteem makes it easier to give and receive compliments, AND giving and receiving compliments supports higher self-esteem.<\/p>\n

So get out there. I know you can do it. Why? Because you\u2019re smart, brave and strong. ;)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

You look terrific today. I love what you?re wearing. You have such a nice smile. I like the sound of your voice. Many people would rather eat a broccoli-flavored Popsicle than be on the receiving end of a compliment. Are you one of them? How did you feel when you read the previous paragraph? Receiving […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":532,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[229,25,392,416,235],"class_list":["post-8565","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-anxiety-psychotherapy-issues-2","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-self-criticism","tag-self-doubt","tag-self-esteem-psychotherapy-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8565","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/532"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8565"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8565\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8565"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8565"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8565"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}