Conventional wisdom says that having conflict in a partnership is \u00e2\u20ac\u0153bad.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Most couples perceive conflict or its lack as a measure of a relationship\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s strength or weakness. The truth is that conflict in itself is not bad; in fact it is a necessary part of every relationship.<\/p>\n
How could you truly be emotionally intimate with another person, live with them day in and day out, experience all the frustrations of life and not have conflict? If there is no conflict, one partner is not speaking up. <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n Conflict is not only vital to an authentic and genuine connection; it is the route to discovering your partner\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s likes and dislikes, needs and desires. The process of exploring your differences and building consensus teaches you about your partner\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s depth and character. Meeting conflict head on is the very path that bolsters connection; facing and embracing discord strengthens the bond between you and drives your relationship to a deeper, more intimate level.<\/p>\n In our practice, Alisa and Trey have come for their first Couple to Couple\u00c2\u00ae coaching session with me and Bob: The dialogue between Alisa and Trey is a common example of how couples experience conflict; anger and blame underlie their exchange. Notice how often the word \u00e2\u20ac\u0153you\u00e2\u20ac\u009d is used in their short conversation: eight times to be exact. The word \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u009d is used only once.<\/p>\n In conflict couples\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 use of \u00e2\u20ac\u0153you\u00e2\u20ac\u009d reflects each partner\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s belief that the other is doing, saying or feeling something \u00e2\u20ac\u0153wrong;\u00e2\u20ac\u009d which naturally implies that the other person is \u00e2\u20ac\u0153right.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Thus the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153right \u00e2\u20ac\u201c wrong\u00e2\u20ac\u009d tug of war is born. In this mode of dialogue, anger escalates and each partner becomes more entrenched in his\/her own position, making resolution even more elusive. Without attention, resentment, hostility and passive-aggressiveness grow in a dark and veiled fashion. The fate of the relationship will ultimately be decided by the way conflict is handled.<\/p>\n Unless parents model embracing conflict, we most likely will not learn conflict resolution skills growing up. When differences arise, we respond in the way nature has biologically wired us. Our fight or flight survival instinct, which kept us alive in cave man days, prompts us physiologically to respond to a threat by fighting off or fleeing the danger. When our partner comes at us with anger and blame, heart rate and blood pressure increase, adrenaline pumps, pupils dilate, hearing becomes more acute and blood flows away from our arms and legs and to our muscles so we can prepare to fight off the threat or run away from it as fast as we can.<\/p>\n Each of us has our predominant or typical way of responding, usually a result of the healthy or \u00e2\u20ac\u0153not so healthy\u00e2\u20ac\u009d lessons we learned and practiced throughout our lives.\u00c2\u00a0 Ask yourself, when conflict occurs do I typically get angry and fight, or do I withdraw and flee? Do I engage and move into the conflict or do I avoid and move away from the conflict \u00e2\u20ac\u0153sweeping it under the rug?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/em><\/p>\n With couples, several outcomes result when two people engage.\u00c2\u00a0 If both you and your partner fight, there will be arguments that escalate. If you both avoid conflict, a standoff will occur resulting in a chasm that separates the two of you.\u00c2\u00a0 Since avoidance creates more avoidance, partners end up living parallel lives without much emotional intimacy. In a relationship where one person withdraws and the other one fights the result will be one partner angrily pursuing the other; or one withdrawing so much that the angry partner gets frustrated and gives up. None of these patterns are healthy.<\/p>\n Paradoxically what couples need most is a way to avoid, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153avoiding conflict\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or a healthy way to \u00e2\u20ac\u0153fight.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d\u00c2\u00a0 When you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t avoid or get rapt in conflict and, instead, embrace your relationship \u00e2\u20ac\u0153in trouble\u00e2\u20ac\u009d as you would embrace a wounded child, you take the first step on a new and exciting path that will transform your partnership.\u00c2\u00a0 Taking on the conflict, averts the ensuing poison and prevents the potential crippling effects on each other\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s self-esteem. Ironically without the very conflict that tears at the fabric of our connection, you cannot achieve the deepest degree of intimacy. There is some truth to the old saying, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No pain, no gain.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Leveraging conflict stimulates the growth of you and your partner and, most importantly, of the third entity \u00e2\u20ac\u201c the relationship itself.<\/p>\n As partners discover how to manage conflict, the vital connection begins to materialize.\u00c2\u00a0 A vision of you and your partner turning toward each other, rather than away, emerges no matter what the circumstances, bringing a sense of security and trust. You become strong in your belief that your partner would never intentionally hurt you, so when he\/she does, you work on resolving the issue and forgiving, i.e. letting go of the anger.<\/p>\n What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.<\/em><\/strong> Miraculously the two of you engage in actively embracing and resolving issues; being direct and honest with each other; disciplining yourselves to practice empathy; and taking care not to hurt the other, despite your individual differences. You and your partner will discover a new resilience, a new peace and an inner confidence knowing that no matter what arises, the two of you will work it through.<\/p>\n A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.<\/em><\/strong> In this newly created relationship, the two of you will feel bound in the healthiest aspects of a relationship waiting for you.\u00c2\u00a0 You begin to honor and respect your partner anew, and your commitment flourishes.\u00c2\u00a0 All seems secure in the relationship that you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re living \u00e2\u20ac\u201c it is the dawn of a spiritual connection that you have consciously co-created.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Conventional wisdom says that having conflict in a partnership is \u00e2\u20ac\u0153bad.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Most couples perceive conflict or its lack as a measure of a relationship\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s strength or weakness. The truth is that conflict in itself is not bad; in fact it is a necessary part of every relationship. How could you truly be emotionally intimate with […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2391,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[231,387,442,391,25,27,41],"class_list":["post-8516","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-anger","tag-communication-problems","tag-conflict-resolution-therapy","tag-emotional-intelligence","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-psychotherapy-models","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships"],"acf":{"author_show":false,"author_name":"","author_role":"","author_avatar":null,"author_profile_url":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8516","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2391"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8516"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8516\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8516"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8516"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8516"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nAlisa:<\/strong> \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t make me a priority! Our marriage is the last thing on your list.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\nTrey:<\/strong> \u00e2\u20ac\u0153What do you mean? I work 70 hours a week to give you the lifestyle you have.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\nAlisa:<\/strong> \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You just don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t get it. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the little things that matter more to me. When was the last time you planned a date for us?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d
\nTrey:<\/strong> \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You only work part-time; why haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t you planned a date?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\n
\nSo how do couples resolve conflict? Here are the steps:<\/strong>
\n1)\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 Consciously acknowledge your fight or flight response when you become angry.
\n2)\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 Mutually agree to explore the disagreement in a respectful way.
\n3)\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 Take turns expressing thoughts and feelings, one at a time, without interrupting.
\n4)\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 Use \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u009d statements to avoid blame and own your feelings.
\n5)\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 Listen between the lines for understanding and meaning.
\n6)\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 Be \u00e2\u20ac\u0153curious\u00e2\u20ac\u009d about your partner\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s point of view.
\n7)\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 Talk until you can \u00e2\u20ac\u0153make your partner\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s case\u00e2\u20ac\u009d as well as your own.
\n8)\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 Remember the goal is not to figure out who is right or wrong, but to understand each other\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s position.
\n9)\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 Then and only then, can you problem solve.<\/p>\n
\n-Leo Tolstoy<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n
\n -Ruth Bell Graham<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n