{"id":8449,"date":"2011-04-29T15:45:10","date_gmt":"2011-04-29T22:45:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=8449"},"modified":"2015-06-10T04:22:22","modified_gmt":"2015-06-10T11:22:22","slug":"spouse-doesnt-believe-chronic-illnes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/spouse-doesnt-believe-chronic-illnes\/","title":{"rendered":"When Your Spouse Doesn&#8217;t Believe You Have an Invisible Illness"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>1 out of 2 people in the U.S. has a chronic illness and in 96% of these cases, the chronic illness is invisible. This means the illness is not readily apparent to others because the person doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t use an assistive device like a cane or a wheelchair.\u00c2\u00a0Most people with an invisible illness can tell you story after story of family members, friends, co-workers, bosses, etc. who don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t actually believe they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re ill.\u00c2\u00a0They\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been given snide looks when exiting their car after parking in a handicapped spot.\u00c2\u00a0They\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been told by their friends that they look too good to be sick.\u00c2\u00a0They\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been questioned by bosses as to why they miss so many days of work when even a doctor can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t determine an appropriate diagnosis.<\/p>\n<p>These scenarios are all too common and happen to millions of people every day.\u00c2\u00a0Most of us are able to shrug it off and move on in spite of anger, frustration and hurt.\u00c2\u00a0But what happens when the person who promised to love you in sickness and in health doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t believe you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re actually sick?<!--more--><\/p>\n<p>Few things hurt more in life than when your spouse expresses doubt about your illness or worse yet, accuses you of making it up!\u00c2\u00a0\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Are you kidding me?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d you want to shout at the top of your lungs but even that consumes too much energy when you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re already feeling rotten.\u00c2\u00a0\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t he see how fatigued I am every day?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d you wonder.\u00c2\u00a0\u00e2\u20ac\u0153How can I live with someone who shows me no empathy?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d you think to yourself as you contemplate your next move.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>Before you throw in the towel too quickly on your marriage, consider these options:<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Take a trust inventory<\/strong>. Have you ever been less than 100% honest with your spouse during your marriage?\u00c2\u00a0Is it common for you to tell \u00e2\u20ac\u0153little white lies\u00e2\u20ac\u009d?\u00c2\u00a0Has your spouse expressed reasons to distrust you in the past? If you answered yes to any of these questions, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s time to do some damage control.\u00c2\u00a0Calmly confess and take responsibility for the times in your marriage when you have been dishonest.\u00c2\u00a0Ask for forgiveness.\u00c2\u00a0Tell your spouse that although you haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t always been trustworthy in the past, you are now being completely honest and upfront with him regarding your invisible illness.\u00c2\u00a0Explain that you are 100% committed to being open and transparent and that you hope he will join you in learning more about your illness.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Go way back<\/strong>.\u00c2\u00a0Most of us fail to ask our spouses about their childhood experiences with illness.\u00c2\u00a0Why would we?\u00c2\u00a0It seems like such a strange thing to inquire about.\u00c2\u00a0And yet, our past holds important clues to the way we behave and respond today.\u00c2\u00a0If your spouse is having difficulty believing you have an invisible chronic illness, ask him these questions:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Were any close family members ill when you were a child?<\/li>\n<li>How were these family members viewed by the extended family?<\/li>\n<li>Did these family members need a lot of care?\u00c2\u00a0Were they difficult to care for?<\/li>\n<li>Did they complain a lot?\u00c2\u00a0Were they in much pain?<\/li>\n<li>What was the outcome of their illness?\u00c2\u00a0Chronic?\u00c2\u00a0Death?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>You may be surprised to learn that your husband\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s great Aunt Edna had a host of chronic illnesses that no doctor could accurately diagnose.\u00c2\u00a0She was unable to care for herself and had to move in with your husband\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s family.\u00c2\u00a0Not only did she require a lot of care, but your husband lost his bedroom and was forced to bunk with a younger brother resulting in a ton of resentment.<\/p>\n<p>Fast forward to today.\u00c2\u00a0Your husband\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Aunt Edna story is playing itself out all over again except this time, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not Aunt Edna but YOU!\u00c2\u00a0The point is that there is usually more to a reaction than meets the eye.\u00c2\u00a0Before you accuse your spouse of being the most selfish and insensitive person to ever walk the earth, do some digging to see what may be behind his refusal to acknowledge your illness.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tackle the fear together<\/strong>.\u00c2\u00a0You know the old saying \u00e2\u20ac\u0153ignorance is bliss\u00e2\u20ac\u009d right?\u00c2\u00a0Well, I might add \u00e2\u20ac\u0153denial is bliss\u00e2\u20ac\u009d for many people.\u00c2\u00a0If they can deny something is happening, then they don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to deal with the fear.\u00c2\u00a0The problem with this strategy is that it simply doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t work.\u00c2\u00a0We have to live in reality and face our fears no matter how big they are.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve told your spouse that you have an invisible illness and he doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t believe you, invite him to meet with your doctor so that he can get his questions answered firsthand.\u00c2\u00a0Give him printed materials that not only explain the illness but how to manage it.\u00c2\u00a0Tell him you are committed to managing this illness to the best of your ability but that you need his help and support.<\/p>\n<p><strong>To elicit some of his concerns\/fears, try asking him the following questions:<\/strong><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>If you were convinced I had ___________ (fill in the blank with your invisible illness), what would be your biggest fear?<\/li>\n<li>What are your fears around me continuing to care for you, the kids, our house, other responsibilities, etc.?<\/li>\n<li>What are your financial fears around me not working or cutting down to part-time to accommodate my illness?<\/li>\n<li>What are your fears around possibly being a care-giver to me?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>You may be hurt, angry and frustrated at first by your spouse\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s refusal to see your invisible illness as real.\u00c2\u00a0Give it some time and try to remain patient.\u00c2\u00a0The truth always comes out in the end.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>1 out of 2 people in the U.S. has a chronic illness and in 96% of these cases, the chronic illness is invisible. This means the illness is not readily apparent to others because the person doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t use an assistive device like a cane or a wheelchair.\u00c2\u00a0Most people with an invisible illness can tell you [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2376,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[452,387,393,423,25,41,388],"class_list":["post-8449","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-chronic-illness-disability","tag-communication-problems","tag-family-problems","tag-health-iillness-medical-issues","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships","tag-trust-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8449","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2376"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8449"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8449\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8449"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8449"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8449"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}