{"id":8188,"date":"2011-03-23T09:00:43","date_gmt":"2011-03-23T16:00:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=8188"},"modified":"2024-04-08T17:57:54","modified_gmt":"2024-04-08T21:57:54","slug":"self-esteem-affects-friendships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/self-esteem-affects-friendships\/","title":{"rendered":"Self-Esteem: It Affects Friendships"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-43140 size-medium alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/03\/AdobeStock_171122689-300x200.jpeg\" alt=\"GoodTherapy | Self-Esteem: It Affects Friendships\" width=\"300\" height=\"200\" title=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/03\/AdobeStock_171122689-300x200.jpeg 300w, https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/03\/AdobeStock_171122689-800x533.jpeg 800w, https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/03\/AdobeStock_171122689-1536x1024.jpeg 1536w, https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/03\/AdobeStock_171122689-2048x1365.jpeg 2048w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/>If you\u2019ve ever been lucky enough to spend time with a pair of friends who both enjoy a healthy <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/self-esteem\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">self-esteem<\/a>, you&#8217;ve noticed how positive their relationship tends to be.<\/p>\n<p>High-self-esteem <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/friendship\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">friendships<\/a> have the following qualities:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>The relationship is based on mutual affection and respect.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/competitiveness\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Competition<\/a> is low and support is high.<\/li>\n<li>Interactions are positive more often than negative.<\/li>\n<li>Disagreements don\u2019t put the friendship in jeopardy.<\/li>\n<li>Apologies are heartfelt on both sides.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>High self-esteem always includes esteem for others, too. Unlike arrogance, conceit, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/egomania\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">egotism<\/a>, or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/selfishness\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">self-centeredness<\/a>, which are sometimes mistaken for high self-esteem, authentic self-esteem celebrates our <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/empathy\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">shared humanity<\/a>. People with genuine self-esteem make those around them feel good.<\/p>\n<p>Since it promotes connection and closeness between friends, high self-esteem friendships are nurturing. The bond of self- and other-esteem makes both friends feel safe and comfortable.<\/p>\n<p>Unfortunately, safe and comfortable is not how people feel when their self-esteem is injured. In fact, those with low self-esteem typically operate on a perpetual setting of unsafe and uncomfortable. You might think this would mean that they would leap at the chance to be friends with people with high self-esteem, because the high self-esteemers could help them feel safe and comfortable for a change.<\/p>\n<p>This is not what happens.<\/p>\n<p>What happens is that people become friends with those whose self-esteem most closely matches their own. So folks suffering with low self-esteem <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/self-fulfilling-prophecy\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">tend to attract others with the same<\/a> problem. Similarly, like that old saying, \u201cThe rich get richer,&#8221; people with high self-esteem stick together. Here are these lucky people who already enjoy the pleasures of high self-esteem, and they get to have nurturing, satisfying, close relationships with their friends.<\/p>\n<p>Meanwhile, those whose self-esteem has them constantly <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/self-doubt\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">questioning their own worth<\/a>, feeling unsafe and uncomfortable in relationships, stick to what is familiar by having friendships in which they can never feel truly safe and comfortable. By <em>safe<\/em>, I\u2019m talking mostly about psychological safety rather than physical safety. But regardless of the kind of safety, we all seek familiarity. If we grew up feeling unsafe and uncomfortable, we\u2019d keep getting drawn into situations that help us stay with what we know\u2014in this case, lack of safety and comfort.<\/p>\n<p>If this sounds at all familiar to you, here are some tips to help you break the cycle of unfulfilling friendships and low self-esteem:<\/p>\n<p><strong>Try not to take disagreements personally.<\/strong> If your friend doesn\u2019t agree with you, or has a strong opinion that\u2019s different from yours, it doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re wrong, or even that he\/she believes you\u2019re wrong. It\u2019s just as likely that your friend is worried that <em>he&#8217;s\/she\u2019s<\/em> wrong, and his\/her strong language is just a mask to hide that fact. Refuse to feel smaller than your friend. Try not to be <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/sensitivity\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">too sensitive<\/a> to what he\/she says.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Take the risk of losing the friendship if necessary.<\/strong> When you are continually stood up, ridiculed, or criticized, take the risk of letting your friend know how you feel, and why. If they value the relationship enough to change how they treat you, you\u2019ll have improved your friendship. If they don\u2019t have enough respect for themselves or you to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/communication-issues\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">respond appropriately<\/a>, you will not have lost anything when you walk away.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Do not put up with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/emotional-abuse\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">verbal abuse<\/a>. <\/strong>Create a boundary that is fixed, firm, and final, and share that boundary. For instance: \u201cIf you make a remark about my body one more time, I\u2019m going home.\u201d Be prepared to have your boundary tested, because it will be. Make sure you follow through with exactly what you said you would do, 100% of the time. If you don\u2019t follow through, you must accept some responsibility for the treatment you continue to receive.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Realize that having a friend is not always better than having no friends.<\/strong> The best friend you have, or should have, is you. Yes, it\u2019s a cliche: Be <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/self-love\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">your own best friend<\/a>. But like all cliches, it\u2019s based on something true: as long as you\u2019re there for yourself, you\u2019re never alone. Having a friend who brings you down instead of building you up is more harmful than having no friends for a while.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Explore the possibility of sharing more of yourself<\/strong>. Sometimes our relationships are psychologically safer than we realize. That is, with some friends it might actually be okay to let our guard down a bit, and share your more <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/intimacy\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">intimate<\/a>, vulnerable sides.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>If you normally listen rather than talk, try talking about how you feel to a friend with whom you feel comfortable.<\/li>\n<li>If you normally talk about, but don\u2019t typically show, your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/psychpedia\/emotion\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">emotions<\/a>, try showing them.<\/li>\n<li>Allow your tears to come if they want to.<\/li>\n<li>Don\u2019t stop talking when your voice shakes.<\/li>\n<li>Let a friend see you sweat when you\u2019re <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/anxiety\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">nervous<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Notice when you\u2019re not being yourself around your friend.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>You are normal. You are okay. You\u2019re interesting and valuable exactly as you are. There is nothing wrong with you. Look to your friendships to help convince you of these things. Lose or change those friendships that don\u2019t.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Tina Gilbertson, MA &#8211; A person&#8217;s self-esteem, whether high or low, impacts the friends they choose and how those friends feel about themselves.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":532,"featured_media":43142,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[387,392,115],"class_list":["post-8188","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-communication-problems","tag-self-criticism","tag-self-esteem"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8188","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/532"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8188"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8188\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/43142"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8188"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8188"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8188"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}