{"id":7448,"date":"2010-11-22T09:24:00","date_gmt":"2010-11-22T16:24:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=7448"},"modified":"2013-07-02T17:12:45","modified_gmt":"2013-07-03T00:12:45","slug":"anger-communicating-problems-calm-psychology","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/holding-ones-tongue","title":{"rendered":"Holding One’s Tongue: How to Engage Anger with Calm and Positivity"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"An expression I have heard many a time is, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.”\u00c2\u00a0While I agree that it’s wise to avoid venting aimlessly at someone, shared input does not have to be neutral or nice either. I\u00c2\u00a0don’t want to withhold valuable information because I am afraid of how it will be received.<\/p>\n

Let’s look at an example: I often reach out to peers when I am looking for support and feedback, not only in the form of kind words, but also through honest and constructive insight and ideas. When ideas are shared in a way that demonstrates compassion and interest, I am more likely to take it in.\u00c2\u00a0On the other hand, when I receive\u00c2\u00a0feedback that is shared in a mean, sarcastic, or patronizing way, I may react to that and miss\u00c2\u00a0a wonderful\u00c2\u00a0opportunity for growth. <\/span><\/p>\n

When anger<\/span><\/a> comes into play, it’s easy to miss the message.\u00c2\u00a0If I can avoid feeling\u00c2\u00a0defensive<\/a>\u00c2\u00a0or upset, I may be able to hear the message and respond in an appropriate way.\u00c2\u00a0If the other person’s anger degrades me or devalues my position, I am more likely to feel the anger, respond in kind, and miss the message.<\/span><\/p>\n

So how do we do we best express ourselves<\/a> in the heat of the moment? These situations are tough. Often times, backing out and returning to the conversation later may make it easier to be heard. Realize that when our heart rates increase, there comes a point where the chemicals flooding our bodies will overwhelm the thinking process.\u00c2\u00a0At such a point, we lose our ability to best express our wants and needs in an appropriate way.<\/p>\n

If you are the recipient of the other person’s anger, and you elect to stay engaged in the conversation, be sure to really think about the message you want to convey. Take a few deep breaths to center yourself. Resist the urge to respond in anger. Your message is not yet lost. Remember that\u00c2\u00a0the words you are hearing and the display of anger are not your issue, but\u00c2\u00a0a struggle of the\u00c2\u00a0other person.\u00c2\u00a0Calmly let the person know you are having difficulty listening and may be missing the message.\u00c2\u00a0If you say this in a believable way, without a sarcastic or negative tone, the other person may calm down. This will probably confuse the angry person, who is likely expecting a counterattack of some sort.<\/p>\n

It can help to agree with some point of the other person’s argument\u00c2\u00a0before\u00c2\u00a0sharing your own.\u00c2\u00a0When sharing your points, humble yourself.\u00c2\u00a0Ask if what you are trying to convey is coming out the right way, because maybe you are not doing your best.\u00c2\u00a0Take responsibility for your actions or statements. For most people, this candor is refreshing.<\/p>\n

Before\u00c2\u00a0you start a difficult conversation, tell yourself that you will<\/em> be able to successfully express your wants and needs in a positive and calm way to best be heard.\u00c2\u00a0 Stop sabotaging your efforts with statements like, “It won’t work,”\u00c2\u00a0 “I won’t be heard,” or\u00c2\u00a0“I can’t calm down.”\u00c2\u00a0 You can do this. Your calm and positive attitude has to lead the way.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Stuart A. Kaplowitz, MFT – When engaging in an angry conversation, it is best to proceed cautiously, humbly, and with empathy towards the other person’s position.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1713,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[231,387,25],"class_list":["post-7448","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-anger","tag-communication-problems","tag-psychotherapy-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7448","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1713"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7448"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7448\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7448"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7448"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7448"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}