Why do so many men sabotage relationships and careers? Current cultural stereotypes of men range from bumbling incompetence to aggressive, macho insensitivity. I\u2019ve worked with men in therapy and personal growth workshops for over 25 years, and I\u2019ve identified a type of adult man I call the LATE Men, Lost, Angry Teens, and they are often stuck in an adolescent level of development \u2013 literally, LATE to grow into full adult functioning.<\/p>\n
We all have four primary internal parts: An Inner Child, a Teenager, an Inner Critic, and a loving, responsible Adult. The Teenager seeks independence, identity, and acceptance with peers. Teens may also become rebellious, angry, confused and withdrawn. Adjustment problems are more likely to occur in distressed or dysfunctional families, where adolescents do not receive the guidance, emotional support, and other resources necessary for healthy maturation and individuation. <\/p>\n
The LATE Men develop in an uneven manner. They may become accomplished in some limited areas, such as academics, sports, and even in their roles at work. However, they function only marginally in other roles, and these are the most common problems I see in the men I treat in my practice:<\/p>\n
1. Lost Identity<\/em> \u2013 LATE Men generally don\u2019t have a clear picture of themselves<\/strong>. When they first come into therapy, they often say that they\u2019re stuck in a rut and don\u2019t know who they are. They don\u2019t know why they feel the way they do, or they don\u2019t know what they\u2019re feeling at all \u2013 they can talk about \u201cstress\u201d, but are often less aware of feeling anxious. Or they\u2019re \u201cfrustrated\u201d, but often deny feeling angry. They rarely say they\u2019re sad or depressed \u2013 more often they\u2019re \u201ctired\u201d or \u201cout of it\u201d. Many men have told me that they feel like a failure, or just \u201cnot doing well\u201d at work or in relationships. These feelings of shame and low self-esteem \u2013 not good enough \u2013 is a core issue for LATE Men.<\/p>\n In his first therapy session with me, Sam, a reasonably successful attorney in his mid-40\u2019s, told me he\u2019s happy, but wants to be happier. He said he has a good life, but he feels he should appreciate it more. He couldn\u2019t understand why he doesn\u2019t work harder to build his practice, and he wondered if he even wants to be a lawyer. He loves his wife and children, but feels his wife should do more with her life than have lunch and go shopping with friends. For some unknown reason their sex life has deteriorated. During our first 2 sessions he sounded increasingly frustrated \u2013 even angry. He often expressed how he \u201cshould\u201d, do things differently, sometimes in very contradictory and confusing statements. And he made similar demanding statements about his wife \u2013 she should get a job, she should have different friends, and so forth. When I asked him about his feelings he would deny the anger that was becoming increasingly evident, along with the underlying anxiety and fears about himself and his relationship with his wife.<\/p>\n These LATE Men often define themselves by their work roles and by their perceived levels of success at work. And they often don\u2019t know what they want. They tend to under-function and under-achieve, and LATE Men are often dependent on others emotionally and\/or financially. Studies indicate that large numbers of young men over the age of 21 still live at home with their parents \u2013 many of these are still living at home after age 30.<\/p>\n 2. Anger<\/em> \u2013 LATE Men frequently report frustration, irritability, and angry outbursts<\/strong>. Many acknowledge road rage, kicking or punching holes in walls and doors, and verbal aggression or abuse. They tend to be defensive and passive-aggressive. For example, Sam is often withholding with his wife \u2013 he shuts down emotionally, shows up late, and he makes promises to do things with her and doesn\u2019t follow through. I\u2019ve found that many LATE Men unconsciously use anger as a defense against underlying fears and shame. Sam is beginning to recognize his fears of losing his wife \u2013 she is \u201cfinding herself\u201d now that she\u2019s in therapy, and she no longer submits passively to his controlling behavior.<\/p>\n 3. Avoidance<\/em> \u2013 LATE Men often report problems with procrastination, work avoidance, emotional distance from others, and evading responsibilities at home<\/strong>. Addictions (to alcohol, drugs, video games, and pornography) are often used to escape from work and relationships, and are used by many LATE Men as a form of self-medication to cope with painful feelings of shame, fear and sadness. Sam told me that he used alcohol excessively in the past, and even developed a cocaine \u201chabit\u201d that scared him. He told me his wife disapproved of the drinking and occasional pot smoking (he never told her about the cocaine), and when they had their first child, he quit using the drugs and significantly reduced his drinking.<\/p>\n 4. Relationships<\/em> \u2013 Historically, men were dominant over women<\/strong>. They were larger, stronger, more physically aggressive, and social and political structures tended to be male dominant. The women\u2019s movement and other social and economic forces, has created a crisis in role relationships between men and women. Men are biologically programmed to interact more with the physical environment \u2013 we\u2019re hunters and we see our role as provider and protector (not emotionally sensitive communicators). Today\u2019s men are often confused and fearful about intimate relationships. If they are strong, aggressive and commanding \u2013 accepted and admired traits in the recent past \u2013 they may be viewed as insensitive cavemen. If they are emotionally sensitive and vulnerable they risk being viewed as wimpy or weak. No wonder the LATE Men tend to either avoid intimacy or react with defensiveness or anger when they\u2019re questioned or when they hear complaints or demands from the women in their lives. Sam didn\u2019t get it. He thought his wife had entitlement issues \u2013 spoiled by the life style he provides for her. Now he\u2019s beginning to see how she distanced emotionally after years of his controlling, demanding behavior.<\/p>\n The LOST Men come from all walks of life, with all types of family backgrounds. However, it\u2019s no surprise that the majority of LATE Men report absent or emotionally distant, angry fathers, and other distressing family dysfunction. These men rarely had desirable male role models growing up. And their dependency on mothers for emotional and sometimes financial support filled them with an unknown and deep seated sense of shame and self-doubt. How were they to learn how to be a man in a world with few or conflicting guidelines and expectations?<\/p>\n What can be done to help the LATE Men? My work with Sam illustrates the possibilities. He is learning how to see himself and his relationships differently. He\u2019s learning the language of feelings \u2013 how he can experience and manage his emotional life effectively and with a sense of masculine strength. And he\u2019s beginning to communicate these feelings effectively with his wife. Every LATE Man I\u2019ve encountered exhibits some level of healthy adult functioning. Individual, group and couples therapy is highly effective in helping men to develop the loving and responsible adult self they aspire to.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Why do so many men sabotage relationships and careers? Current cultural stereotypes of men range from bumbling incompetence to aggressive, macho insensitivity. I?ve worked with men in therapy and personal growth workshops for over 25 years, and I?ve identified a type of adult man I call the LATE Men, Lost, Angry Teens, and they are […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2374,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[389,425,231,31,387,141,393,434,245,25,41,235,139,239],"class_list":["post-7286","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-adjusting-to-change","tag-aggression-violence","tag-anger","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-communication-problems","tag-addiction-drug-alcohol","tag-family-problems","tag-identity-issues","tag-mens-issues-psychotherapy-issues","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships","tag-self-esteem-psychotherapy-issues","tag-sex-therapy","tag-stress"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7286","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2374"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7286"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7286\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7286"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7286"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7286"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}