{"id":6925,"date":"2010-07-23T07:48:05","date_gmt":"2010-07-23T14:48:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=6925"},"modified":"2016-04-18T10:21:18","modified_gmt":"2016-04-18T17:21:18","slug":"marriage-counseling","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/six-tips-to-make-marriage-and-couples-counseling-work","title":{"rendered":"Six Tips to Make Marriage and Couples Counseling Work"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"AWhat can you do to improve the chances that couples therapy is worth the time and money you put into it? In other words, what makes marriage counseling<\/a> work?<\/p>\n

With the\u00c2\u00a0help of a skilled marriage therapist, there are several things you can do to increase the possibility that your\u00c2\u00a0marriage counseling will be a success.<\/p>\n

1. Have More Goals for Yourself<\/strong><\/h2>\n

People who pursue\u00c2\u00a0marriage therapy usually want their partner to change things, but working on yourself in the presence of your partner is, in my opinion, the most effective way to have a positive impact on your relationship<\/a>. Focusing on what your partner needs to change doesn’t usually work. Ultimately, you may not get what you want.<\/p>\n

What do you want? Recalling your early expectations<\/a>\u00c2\u00a0from the beginning of your relationship can help you visualize what you want—your ideal picture of the relationship. How do you behave as a partner in that perfect world? What are your characteristics?<\/p>\n

\n\t

Find a Therapist for Relationships<\/a><\/h2>\n\t
\n\n\t\t\t\t\n\n\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\n\t\tAdvanced Search<\/a>\n\t<\/form>\n<\/div>Looking now at the present—your real-life situation—what are your attitudes and behaviors? What hinders you from being a\u00c2\u00a0better person? Where are your weak points? When you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re stressed<\/a>, do you try to control<\/a>, nag, or whine? Do you avoid and withdraw? The answers to these questions will help make up your goals in therapy. Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t worry—a good marriage counselor will make sure each of you is doing work, not just you!<\/p>\n

2.\u00c2\u00a0Put Yourself Out There<\/strong><\/h2>\n

This tip actually might save you months of therapy time. Try to reach the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153feelings behind the feelings.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d What we feel on an obvious level in a relationship may be\u00c2\u00a0anger<\/a>, annoyance, resentment, and judgment for the other. Try to dig deeper and get in touch with what triggered those thoughts and feelings.<\/p>\n

Did you have an open heart, but you were disappointed? Do you feel helpless<\/a>, embarrassed, or hopeless? Are you worried about being controlled? Are you afraid to trust<\/a> because of past hurt? If you feel resistant to having a cooperative attitude, this might mean\u00c2\u00a0you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been avoiding certain thoughts and feelings. Maybe there is some grudge or resentment you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve never been able to admit to yourself or express openly.<\/p>\n

Once you get the courage to be more vulnerable in front of your partner, it will likely create empathy<\/a> and compassion<\/a> in them. Your therapist will help ensure the session is a safe space to do this.<\/p>\n

3. Put In the Time<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Marriage therapy can be time-intensive. The higher your level of conflict, the more regularly you may need to come to therapy. Couples therapy is seldom a quick fix. What happens in between the sessions may be even more important than what happened in session. You will both have to make some time to be with each other, without distraction. You will need to create a reliable space in your life for each other that neither you nor your partner have had to beg for. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s about quality, not quantity.<\/p>\n

4. Give the Benefit of the Doubt<\/strong><\/h2>\n

People tend to jump to conclusions—especially with other people they know well. You may have\u00c2\u00a0made some assumptions about your partner\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s motives that aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t true, and vice versa. Be honest about your assumptions. Stay curious about what your partner thinks and feels. Pick his or her brain just like you might do when listening to a famous author you admire.<\/p>\n

5. Learn to Be Independent<\/strong><\/h2>\n

I don’t think marriage was ever meant to fulfill all of our needs. Even in the best of relationships, there may be times when you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re bored, lonely,\u00c2\u00a0worried<\/a>, or\u00c2\u00a0ashamed<\/a>. Maybe you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll catch your partner at a good moment, and he or she will be able to assure you. Maybe you won’t. Rather than being a \u00e2\u20ac\u0153half person\u00e2\u20ac\u009d who is being \u00e2\u20ac\u0153completed\u00e2\u20ac\u009d by your partner, strive to be your own “full person.” That might mean learning some things you can do for yourself outside of your relationship.<\/p>\n

6. Take\u00c2\u00a0Divorce Off the Table—At Least for Now<\/strong><\/h2>\n

You might be feeling little hope for your relationship right now. One or both of you may come to marriage counseling as the final attempt to save your relationship. Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t worry—that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s common. But consider this: It is very difficult to instill hope<\/a> for the relationship when the death of the it is constantly looming.<\/p>\n

The question isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t whether you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re committed for life, but whether you can both commit to working hard right now. Can you commit to working hard on your relationship by taking permanent separation off the table for the time being? There\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s always time to divorce<\/a>, but there may not always be time to work on your marriage. If you make the effort of investing time and money, give it all you can.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Marriage and couples counseling takes time and commitment from both sides. These six steps can help improve your results if you start therapy with them in mind.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2437,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[31,25,41],"class_list":["post-6925","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-psychotherapy-practice","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6925","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2437"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6925"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6925\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6925"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6925"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6925"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}