{"id":6620,"date":"2010-05-18T10:14:16","date_gmt":"2010-05-18T17:14:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=6620"},"modified":"2014-02-05T15:13:52","modified_gmt":"2014-02-05T23:13:52","slug":"therapy-compromise","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/therapy-compromise\/","title":{"rendered":"Compromise in Couples: What Gets in the Way?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"ALots of people hope for compromise in their relationship<\/a>. Compromise is great when it happens; there is an easy flow, and both partners feel happy with the results. Nobody feels like they are losing, like they are being taken advantage of, or that their needs don\u2019t matter. It doesn\u2019t even feel like compromising\u2014it\u2019s just being happy together.<\/p>\n

But what gets in the way of this delightful experience? Does it just happen naturally? Do you need to have logical conversations about it? Does it come from being forceful<\/a> about getting your point across? Do you have to give up your needs?<\/p>\n

Compromise Versus Conflict<\/h2>\n

Do you believe compromise should happen naturally? Do you think it means a relationship can\u2019t work if it isn\u2019t easy? Do you think about leaving relationships when they get difficult?<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s take a moment to look at this experience. Perhaps you feel really bad when conflict<\/a> starts. You want to get away ASAP. You don\u2019t like the feeling of someone being unhappy with you, criticizing you<\/a>, wanting you to change. You have no experience of conflict being productive. Maybe conflict means someone is going to go crazy on you, demand something from you, or manipulate<\/a> your feelings.<\/p>\n

If that\u2019s the case, it makes a lot of sense that you\u2019d want to avoid conflict. When compromise doesn\u2019t flow, you might conclude that this isn\u2019t the relationship for you, or you become a stonewall<\/a> and stop talking.<\/p>\n

If there\u2019s enough love<\/a> present for you in the relationship you might want to think about your avoidance<\/a> of conflict. Maybe it doesn\u2019t have to be as bad as it has been in the past. If you acknowledge how it was and how you have come to protect yourself from these bad experiences\u2014by heading out of town\u2014you\u2019re half way to a more mature, balanced approach to conflict.<\/p>\n

Logic Versus Compromise<\/h2>\n

Does your mate get upset when you bring logic and rationality to the conversation? Do you say to yourself, \u201cI\u2019m just trying to solve the problem\u2014why is he\/she getting so upset?\u201d Look at yourself honestly. Does your logical tone have an argumentative, forcing element to it?
\n

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\nMaybe the conversation gave you an uncomfortable feeling\u2014maybe your gut got tight and you got a brief, but powerful sinking feeling. In Internal Family Systems (IFS<\/a>) that is called an Exile. It could be that you used logic as a way to try to make that feeling go away (in IFS that\u2019s called a protector). Honesty might work better than logic. Consider saying, \u201cWhen you said I wasn\u2019t helping enough around the house, I felt bad, and part of me wants to fight you using logical sounding arguments.\u201d Pure logic rarely leads to vital, mutually satisfying compromise.<\/p>\n

Forcing Your Point Versus Compromise
\n<\/strong><\/h2>\n

We\u2019ve all been there: the conversation is going smoothly, and all of a sudden we find ourselves trying to ram our points home<\/a>. What happened just before you changed your tone? If you can be honest, you\u2019ll probably find an Exile. Maybe an old feeling of no one listening or caring about your feelings came up. Or you felt an echo of an old feeling of not fitting in with the group, not measuring up.<\/p>\n

If you notice a moment when you\u2019ve started to force your point, you might be able to choose what you want to do, rather than charging forward with an attitude which you know will not help you get to compromise. Can you imagine yourself saying, \u201cI don\u2019t want to admit it, but a part of me feels just like I did when the other kids wouldn\u2019t choose me for the team. And another part wants to force you to agree with me so I don\u2019t have to feel that anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n

My Needs Versus Compromise
\n<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Do you find yourself defaulting to a subservient, submissive, surrendering position, and then getting resentful, depressed<\/a>, or maybe angry<\/a>? Do you think someone else’s reality is more valid than yours? Do you have Exiles (walled off parts of\u00a0 yourself) who had this experience when you were young? Maybe powerful people made you agree with them, and the cost of fighting was too great.<\/p>\n

You can acknowledge those young Exiles, find them in the rooms, porches, and yards where they live, re-playing their bad experiences. You can let them know you see them and understand them, and that they aren\u2019t alone anymore. IFS teaches that direct contact between you and your parts opens up surprising, fresh possibilities. They may come to trust you, rely on you for help, and even stop flooding you with their bad feelings. If you can do that, you won\u2019t have to rely on surrendering. You might find it safe and productive to speak up<\/a> for what you believe, then watch to see how your partner responds.<\/p>\n

Compromise Happens<\/h2>\n

Compromise happens naturally when you recognize the protectors that have come out to help you, and the Exiles behind them. It will be a fluid, fun, mutually supportive, brainstorming experience, and you\u2019ll find solutions you never could have imagined beforehand.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

People differ in strategies for finding compromise. Internal Family Systems teaches how to recognize the way your past drives you, so you can be successful.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":101,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[257,25,27,41],"class_list":["post-6620","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-internal-family-systems","tag-psychotherapy-issues","tag-psychotherapy-models","tag-marriage-counseling-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6620","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/101"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6620"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6620\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6620"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6620"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6620"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}