{"id":43479,"date":"2024-09-13T15:59:25","date_gmt":"2024-09-13T19:59:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=43479"},"modified":"2024-09-13T15:59:25","modified_gmt":"2024-09-13T19:59:25","slug":"doing-things-we-dont-want-to-do-when-doing-them-would-be-good-for-us","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/doing-things-we-dont-want-to-do-when-doing-them-would-be-good-for-us\/","title":{"rendered":"Doing things we don\u2019t want to do when doing them would be good for us"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"MiddleOn doing things we don\u2019t want to do when doing them would be good for us.\u00a0<\/span><\/b>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

-Reed Maxwell, Ph.D., ABPP (Clinical)\u00a0<\/span><\/b>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

One of the most common obstacles people confront in psychotherapy, especially in therapies using behavioral techniques, is\u202f<\/span>inertia<\/span><\/b>.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In physics, inertia means (1) a thing that is not moving will stay not moving; or, (2) a thing that is moving in a specific direction will stay moving in that direction unless or until some force compels either one to do differently.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

When we feel depressed or otherwise down, apathetic, helpless, and so on, we often experience a\u202f<\/span>psychological inertia\u202f<\/span><\/b>of sorts. We find it difficult to do things that we know would be good for us to do (<\/span>we stay at res<\/span><\/i>t), or conversely, we find it difficult to stop doing things that we know are not good for us to do (<\/span>we stay in motion<\/span><\/i>). Depression<\/a> seems to quash our capacity (<\/span>force<\/span><\/i>) to do differently. It renders us inert. For simplicity, we will use \u201cdepression\u201d as shorthand for a spectrum of negative feelings.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

People often express their experience of inertia by saying, in one way or another, \u201cI know I should do differently, but I can\u2019t seem to\u202f<\/span>make myself<\/span><\/i>.\u201d Oftentimes, people feel additional guilt, shame, and anger at themselves about this experience. These\u202fadditional feelings make matters worse.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Wanting: The Missing Link Between Knowing and Doing?<\/span><\/b>\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n

When I ask folks why they cannot \u201cmake themselves\u201d do things, they might say, in one way or another, \u201cI want to do it, but I also don\u2019t \u2018want\u2019 to do it.\u201d They seem to mean, \u201cI know I would do well to do this, but I don\u2019t have the want required to make the doing happen.\u201d Many people seem to pinpoint a lack of want as the missing link between (a) knowing or believing that doing a thing would be good for them; and, (b) doing the thing.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

So why does want go away? To put it roughly, when we feel depressed, we often feel less satisfied, gratified, pleased, and so on, by the things we do. And naturally, when we feel fewer or less of these feelings after we do those things, we experience less interest in doing or motivation to do them. Psychologists call this lack of interest or motivation\u202f<\/a><\/span>anhedonia<\/span><\/i><\/b>.<\/span><\/i><\/a>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

And yet, we know there are some things we simply\u202f<\/span>must\u202f<\/span><\/i>do. Furthermore, we often surmise we might at least stave off\u202f<\/span>worse\u202f<\/span><\/i>feelings if we do some of them.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

And so, we ask ourselves, \u201cHow do we do things that would be good for us to do when we don\u2019t want to do them?\u201d There is no simple answer, but, I have some thoughts.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Some of what follows might strike some readers as overly dense, abstract, or otherwise \u201cheady.\u201d Please bear with me.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Does Not Wanting to Do Mean We Can’t Do? A Cognitive Approach<\/span><\/b><\/h2>\n

First, let\u2019s talk about what it means to want. Sometimes, we do things in life because we want the experiences of doing them. For example, we want to eat our favorite foods because we want the experiences of eating them, and we want to listen to our favorite songs because we want the experiences of listening to them. On the other hand, we do many other things in life without wanting the experiences of doing them. For example, we wash our bedding, clean our toilets, pay our bills and so forth, often without wanting the experiences of doing them. We do such things because we want the\u202f<\/span>outcomes\u202f<\/span><\/i>or\u202f<\/span>effects\u202f<\/span><\/i>of doing them (e.g., fresh bedding, clean toilets, paid bills and so forth).<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In effect, we either want to\u202f<\/span>do a thing for the sake of doing it<\/span><\/b>\u202for we want to\u202f<\/span>do a thing for the sake of its consequence(s)<\/span><\/b>\u202for outcome(s).<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

From what I have observed, depression disrupts either or both types of want. Sometimes, less severe depression seems to diminish the first type of want (wanting to do a thing for the sake of doing it) while leaving the second type (wanting to do a thing for the sake of its outcome) mostly unimpacted. On the other hand, more severe depression seems to disrupt both.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

When depression takes away want, we might look at how we can start\u202f<\/span>doing\u202f<\/span><\/i>without\u202f<\/span>wanting<\/span><\/i>.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As we have noted, many folks seem to believe, without question, that\u202f<\/span>wanting must or should come before doing<\/span><\/i>. Consequently, we fret about our lack of wanting (e.g., we berate ourselves for \u201cnot caring enough\u201d or for \u201cbeing unmotivated\u201d) when we feel depressed, and we hope that we will start\u202f<\/span>wanting\u202f<\/span><\/i>again so that we can start\u202f<\/span>doing\u202f<\/span><\/i>again. Many times, this fretting about not wanting and waiting to want again\u202f<\/span>only worsens our depression<\/span><\/i>. In these times, our belief that wanting must or should come before doing gets in our way (i.e., it leads us to feel unhelpful secondary emotions about our lack of want)<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Getting Wanting Out of the Way\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n

Can we move away from the belief that we must or should\u202f<\/span>want\u202f<\/span><\/i>to do before we\u202f<\/span>can\u202f<\/span><\/i>do and move towards a belief that we\u202f<\/span>can\u202f<\/span><\/i>do whether we want to or not? If we can, then we might surprise ourselves with what we can do after we (1) stop fretting about not wanting; and, (2) stop waiting to want to do again.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

However, the belief that wanting must or should come before doing is a deep belief for many of us. So, we might begin to counter this belief using cognitive and behavioral strategies that help us start doing things again when wanting to do them is not happening. For example, here are two affirmations to help us move towards a belief that we can do whether we want to or not:<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. \u201cI am not bad, broken, or otherwise flawed for not wanting to do things at the moment.\u201d<\/span><\/i>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
      \n
    1. \u201cI am able to do even if I do not want to do\u201d<\/span><\/i>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      From here, psychotherapy can help us further strategize how to get things done without want.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

      Find a “Workaround” Want\u00a0<\/span><\/b><\/h2>\n

      \"TwoSometimes, if we do not want to do a thing for either the experience of doing it or the outcome(s) that happen(s) from doing it, we might be able to associate doing it with some other experience or outcome that we\u202f<\/span>do\u202f<\/span><\/i>want. We can then use this \u201cworkaround want\u201d to help us do the thing. Here are some examples of workaround wants:<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n