{"id":42951,"date":"2024-04-02T10:59:34","date_gmt":"2024-04-02T14:59:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=42951"},"modified":"2024-03-21T11:00:31","modified_gmt":"2024-03-21T15:00:31","slug":"how-to-stop-fighting-and-start-communicating-with-your-partner","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/how-to-stop-fighting-and-start-communicating-with-your-partner\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Stop Fighting and Start Communicating with your Partner"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"GoodTherapy\u201cStop fighting <\/span><\/span>with<\/span><\/span> each other and start fighting for <\/span><\/span>one<\/span><\/span> another\u201d<\/span>– Staci Lee Schnell<\/span><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n

In a fight, there is a winner and a loser and most of us want to win.\u00a0 So, if you are fighting with your spouse, and you are the winner, that would make them the loser.\u00a0 Do you really want your partner to be a loser?\u00a0 Wouldn\u2019t it be better if your marriage was the winner?\u00a0 If you stop fighting and start communicating with respect, you both win and more importantly, your marriage wins.\u00a0 Communicating clearly and effectively with your spouse allows for a healthier and happier marriage<\/a>. <\/span>\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s perfectly okay and completely normal to have disagreements and different points of view from your partner.\u00a0 Having different thoughts and ideas, shouldn\u2019t be a cause for a fight but rather a cause for good conversations, where both of you are heard and validated.\u00a0 Validation is essential in honoring your spouse\u2019s different opinions.\u00a0 But how can you validate them if you aren\u2019t listening to them?\u00a0 Active listening can alleviate interruptions, misunderstandings, and heated emotions<\/a> as well as promote being in tune with your partner\u2019s thoughts and feelings. <\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0The following is a communication tool to try out that promotes active listening and validation:<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n

Step 1: Partner A is the speaker while Partner B is the listener.\u00a0\u00a0 Partner A speaks, without blame, their truth, point of view, or issue.\u00a0 Partner B listens without interruption. Feel free to take notes.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Step 2: Partner B says, \u201cWhat I heard you say is\u2026\u201d and in their own words summarizes what they heard Partner A say.\u00a0 Then Partner B says, \u201cDid I get it right?\u201d\u00a0 Partner A answers \u201cyes\u201d or \u201cno\u201d.\u00a0 If yes, Partner B says \u201cIs there anything else?\u201d\u00a0 Partner A answers \u201cYes\u201d or \u201cNo\u201d. If no, it\u2019s time for step 3.\u00a0 If Partner A answers no to \u201cDid I get it right?\u201d they stay calm, they don\u2019t get upset at their partner, they simply try saying it in a different way.\u00a0 Partner B tries again with, \u201cWhat I heard you say\u201d and \u201cDid I get it right?\u201d\u00a0 Don\u2019t move on to step 3 until Partner B gets it right and Partner A has nothing else. <\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Step 3: Partner B now validates Partner A.\u00a0 If an apology is needed, this is the time.\u00a0 This step is about making Partner A feel completely heard and understood.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t mean that Partner B needs to agree with Partner A, it merely means that Partner B shows their understanding of Partner A.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Step 4: Switch speaker and listener roles and repeat steps 2 and 3 in the new roles.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Step 5: Now that each has been heard and validated, come up with a plan of action.\u00a0 The next time this happens we are going to do this\u2026, this is the decision, and compromise we are making\u2026, we can agree to disagree.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The above communication tool promotes active listening, which brings about a positive change in attitude towards each other. Instead of fighting, couples are communicating honestly and effectively with less defensiveness and anger.\u00a0\u00a0 Paraphrasing, summarizing, and clarifying allows for true validation.\u00a0 <\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Validation communicates to your partner that the relationship is important, even if you do not agree with the issue or issues at hand.\u00a0 Mutual validation is essential in a healthy and happy relationship because each feels heard, valued, and understood.\u00a0 Feeling validated by your spouse can help one to feel appreciated, and loved and that their opinions are worthwhile. <\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The timing of the above communication tool<\/a> is truly important.\u00a0 If one of you is feeling heated or flooded, take some time to calm down.\u00a0 Take 10-20 minutes to reflect on your emotions and ask yourself some questions. Why am I upset? What am I trying to convey? What triggered me? How can I express myself clearly?\u00a0 These questions will help you focus on what and how to say what has upset you, as well giving you the time you need to get calmer.\u00a0 <\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Make sure to not sweep the event, issue, or topic under the rug and not discuss it.\u00a0 Don\u2019t hold back to avoid conflict<\/a>. That will only promote resentment for the unresolved issue or issues. Resentment can make one feel that the relationship is in a constant ill state. After 10 or 20 minutes, come back together and use the above communication tool. If the circumstances don\u2019t allow for the conversation to be had right away, put a pin in it and revisit it as soon as possible. If you want you can set an appointment with each other to have the needed discussion.\u00a0 <\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Marriage Counseling<\/a> can help couples clearly and effectively utilize the active listening and validation techniques described above. Couples Counseling helps to create a better understanding of each other, deepen emotional bonds, reestablish intimacy and trust, and overall improve your relationship and marriage.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

?Stop fighting with each other and start fighting for one another?– Staci Lee Schnell? In a fight, there is a winner and a loser and most of us want to win.? So, if you are fighting with your spouse, and you are the winner, that would make them the loser.? Do you really want your […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3201,"featured_media":42952,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_crdt_document":"","_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2095,628,1762],"tags":[105,1603,1604,1634,1637,1633],"class_list":["post-42951","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-find-therapist","category-general","category-relationships","tag-communication","tag-communication-in-marriage","tag-communication-in-relationships","tag-communication-with-partner","tag-conflict-with-partner","tag-fighting-with-partner"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/42951","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3201"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=42951"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/42951\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/42952"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=42951"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=42951"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=42951"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}