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I have good news and bad news. People usually want the bad news first, so here goes: You, alone, do not have the power to make your child happy. None of us do. That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the bad news. Okay, what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the good news? You hold more power than you think.\u00c2\u00a0<\/span>\u00c2\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n The biggest mistake I see parents making with their children is that they underestimate themselves! You underestimate how needed and wanted you are, and how much of a difference you <\/span>can<\/span><\/i> make. And if your gut reaction to this is anything along the lines of \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, my kid doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to talk to me,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or \u00e2\u20ac\u0153She just wants to stay in her room\u00e2\u20ac\u009d, then I am <\/span>definitely<\/span><\/i> talking to you.\u00c2\u00a0<\/span>\u00c2\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Knowing your worth can make a difference for your teenager, and the best news is, you can \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcfake it \u00e2\u20ac\u2122til you make it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 if needed. Here are three steps you can take right now to let go of the power that isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t yours and harness the power that is:<\/span>\u00c2\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Every time I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m asked the question, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How can you work with teenagers? How do you <\/span>reach<\/span><\/i> them?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I am reminded of the days I worked with gang-involved youth at an alternative school in Chicago. As I walked through the halls past classroom doors, kids would literally turn to me and shout, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Take me! Take me!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d My secret? I assumed they wanted my attention.\u00c2\u00a0<\/span>\u00c2\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not claiming it was easy. I was trained to ignore the \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcbehavioral noise\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 \u00e2\u20ac\u201d the defenses, the bravado, the defiance, or even the silence. I had to learn to let that roll off. I couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t let it hurt my feelings or deter me. My job was to remain present, open, and solicitous. What surprised me most was how quickly the kids could sense that I was for real. They dropped the rebellious act so quickly, and it became very easy to see these kids for exactly who they were: <\/span>kids<\/span><\/i>.\u00c2\u00a0<\/span>\u00c2\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n I know it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s more complicated as a parent. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m a mom and a stepmom, and I feel the difference. But I promise it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not that they want or need you any less. In fact, they want their parents even more! But this is why Step 2 is so important.<\/span>\u00c2\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n If your teenager is reluctant to talk to you, I guarantee it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not because they don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t care what you think. In fact, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the opposite. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s because they care <\/span>too much<\/span><\/i> about what you think. They know who you are. They know your values, beliefs, and opinions. And for the most part, they are probably well aligned with you. But healthy teens inevitably differ from their parents in some ways, and they need to know you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re okay with that. No matter how much they pretend not to care, I promise they want your blessing.\u00c2\u00a0<\/span>\u00c2\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n So, listen. Get curious. Ask questions about the nuances of what they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re saying. Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t weigh in, at least not yet. Make it your sole mission to let them know you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve taken a serious interest in what they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re saying and are taking your time to digest it. Let them know they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve made you think. It demonstrates your willingness to accept, integrate, and adapt to their differences.\u00c2\u00a0<\/span>\u00c2\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u00c2\u00a0<\/span>Assuming your teen wants your attention and listening without an agenda will help you harness the power you hold. But what then? What if it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not enough? Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be afraid to offer therapy<\/a>.\u00c2\u00a0<\/span>\u00c2\u00a0<\/span>\u00c2\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n I know I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m biased, but so is everyone. And in my unapologetic opinion, every teen needs therapy. Making sense of the world these days while making sense of oneself is an overwhelming task for even the most mature adults. And when we are overwhelmed, we tend to break down in any number of ways. Depression<\/a>, anxiety<\/a>, substance abuse, eating disorders, and everything else are a result of kids not having the ability to process the stressors in their lives<\/a>. Therapy is for processing. It can alleviate symptoms, but it can also be preventative.\u00c2\u00a0<\/span>\u00c2\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n The biggest problem between teens and their parents comes down to this: They love each other so much it can be paralyzing. Teens care so much about their parents\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 approval, that they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re afraid to fully share themselves. And parents care so much about their teens\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 well-being, they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re afraid to get involved and mess it up.\u00c2\u00a0<\/span>\u00c2\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nStep 1: Assume they need and want your attention<\/span><\/b><\/h2>\n
Step 2: Listen<\/span><\/b><\/h2>\n
Step 3: Offer therapy<\/span><\/b>\u00c2\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n
The Takeaway<\/span><\/b>\u00c2\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n