{"id":42776,"date":"2024-01-30T11:26:16","date_gmt":"2024-01-30T16:26:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/?p=42776"},"modified":"2024-01-30T15:45:21","modified_gmt":"2024-01-30T20:45:21","slug":"rules-for-fair-fighting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/rules-for-fair-fighting\/","title":{"rendered":"Rules for Fair Fighting"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"Arguing is an inevitable part of all relationships. However, additional damage can be created by the <\/span>process<\/span><\/i> of the argument, beyond what is created from what the fight is actually about; and this harm can be long-term and sometimes even be <\/span>permanent<\/span>. Meaning, it is possible to harm the relationship<\/a> because of the <\/span>way<\/span><\/i> that you fight. Couples can find themselves far off-topic and fighting about fighting. This additional damage can be minimized, and possibly even averted, by following rules for arguing fairly. <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/h2>\n

These rules help keep an argument \u2018clean\u2019 and on topic.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n
    \n
  1. Stay on point. Know what you\u2019re fighting about. Ask yourself and each other, \u201cwhat is this argument <\/span>really<\/span><\/i> about?\u201d<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  2. Stick to one subject only – keep the quarrel focused\/specific. Arguments can veer off course and, when that happens, the root of the conflict gets lost.<\/span><\/li>\n
  3. Be direct – say how you feel, say what you need<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  4. Be kind – arguing is not a platform to be mean or hurtful to your partner<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  5. Choose the time of your battles carefully (i.e., not 1 AM or while you\u2019re in the middle of a restaurant)<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  6. Keep quarrels private<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  7. Don\u2019t triangulate others into your conflict (i.e., don’t “rope in\u201d other people)<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  8. Don\u2019t read your partner\u2019s mind<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  9. Don\u2019t expect your partner to read your mind<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  10. Don\u2019t blame or shame<\/a><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  11. Own your own feelings – this means starting sentences with \u2018I feel\u2019, not \u2018you make me feel\u2019<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  12. Don\u2019t talk down to each other (i.e., don\u2019t be condescending\u2026morally, intellectually or experientially)<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  13. Don\u2019t make sweeping over-generalizations (<\/span>\u201c<\/span>you never\u201d or <\/span>\u201c<\/span>you always\u201d)<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  14. Don\u2019t be intentionally mean or cruel<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  15. Don\u2019t hit below the belt<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  16. Don\u2019t wear the belt too high (i.e., acting like you’re weaker or more fragile than you actually are)<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  17. Don\u2019t bring up past fights and use them as ammunition for the present one<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  18. Actively listen (rather than waiting to speak)<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  19. Don\u2019t threaten to leave the relationship (divorce, break-up, move out, divide accounts, etc.).\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  20. No verbal abuse<\/a> (i.e., name-calling, screaming, threats, etc.)<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  21. No throwing objects or breaking things<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  22. No physical violence<\/a><\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  23. Respect your partner\u2019s request to stop or \u201chit the pause button\u201d – sometimes taking a break to de-escalate is a wise decision.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Arguing is an inevitable part of all relationships. However, additional damage can be created by the process of the argument, beyond what is created from what the fight is actually about; and this harm can be long-term and sometimes even be permanent. Meaning, it is possible to harm the relationship because of the way that […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3201,"featured_media":42781,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,1871,2095,628,1762],"tags":[840,2207,1632,169],"class_list":["post-42776","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","category-abuse","category-find-therapist","category-general","category-relationships","tag-arguing","tag-arguments","tag-fighting","tag-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/42776","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3201"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=42776"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/42776\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/42781"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=42776"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=42776"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=42776"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}