There\u2019s a very important factor that determines whether one or both parties in a relationship feel seen and nurtured. It applies to relationships across the board, from romantic to platonic, therapeutic to familial. And without it, miscommunication, fights, and hurt feelings are common. That factor is attunement<\/em>. I\u2019ll give the clinical definition first because it\u2019s a word we often use in the field of psychotherapy and so you have a full picture of what attunement is and then I\u2019ll describe attunement in layperson\u2019s terms.<\/p>\n Attunement is a \u201ckinesthetic and emotional sensing of others knowing their rhythm, affect, and experience by metaphorically being in their skin, and going beyond empathy to create a two-person experience of unbroken feeling connectedness by providing a reciprocal effect and\/or resonating response,\u201d according to clinical psychologist Dr. Richard Erskine<\/a>.<\/p>\n A lot is happening in that sentence. However, some keywords are \u201csensing<\/a>,\u201d \u201cempathy,\u201d and \u201cconnectedness.\u201d Putting them together, you could say attunement is sensing another person\u2019s experience and using empathy (as well as action) to create connection<\/strong>. Another way of putting it is reading the \u201cemotional room\u201d of another person. It\u2019s sensing when another person needs comfort versus space. It\u2019s understanding when to support your partner versus when to let them flounder. If that sounds difficult, it is! It is a learned skill that takes conscious practice.<\/p>\n The first place we experience attunement (or not) is childhood. An infant is not able to express with words when they are hungry, tired, or have a poopy diaper. It\u2019s up to the caregiver to make that assessment and do something about it. This is where pediatrician and child psychotherapist D.W. Winnicott\u2019s principle of the \u201cthe good enough [parent]\u201d comes into play, meaning, reacting to an infant responsively and sensitively over time allows the infant to be appropriately dependent and to transition to an increasingly more autonomous position. But attunement doesn\u2019t stop in infancy \u2013 it\u2019s relevant throughout a person\u2019s life. The key is not just becoming aware of another person\u2019s feelings, it\u2019s also taking appropriate action.<\/p>\n It’s one thing if a caregiver hears their kid cry and says, \u201cOh, they\u2019re hungry,\u201d and another thing to actually feed them. The same is true with adults. Empathy is an excellent first step that invites curiosity about another\u2019s experience, but it only goes so far. Action, even if it\u2019s just listening, is what creates attunement. I\u2019m not saying you have to be a mind reader and intuit what another person needs. Nor should you assume someone else\u2019s feelings. Checking in and communicating are always important in mature, adult relationships.<\/p>\n A word of caution: There is such a thing as going too far with attunement and becoming codependent<\/a> or turning into someone who relies on being needed. A codependent is someone who likes to swoop in and give to others, compulsively. With codependency there\u2019s a sense of sacrifice \u2013 the person is sacrificing their time, their energy, or even their sense of self. That\u2019s not what I\u2019m advocating. Healthy boundaries are important for successful, safe relationships and that means recognizing each person has limits, including you.<\/p>\n Instead, emotional attunement involves the perspective that you\u2019re on the same team as your partner. You are working together, supporting one another as you navigate your emotions, both pleasant and unpleasant. When this isn\u2019t done, it\u2019s a form of abandonment and it erodes trust in the relationship. Attunement builds trust and rapport. So how then do<\/em> you create emotional attunement? Keep reading.<\/p>\n One step required for emotional attunement is safety<\/strong>. If you don\u2019t feel safe expressing your emotions, attunement will be difficult. Safety is created with both verbal and nonverbal cues. For instance, if the person you\u2019re in relationship with \u2013 a friend, a coworker, a parent \u2013 shuts down and emotionally withdraws whenever you express anger, you\u2019ll quickly learn they are not a safe person for you to be angry around. You won\u2019t want to clue them in to how you\u2019re feeling because it\u2019s worse than keeping your anger bottled up.<\/p>\n Related to safety is also expressing your own<\/em> emotions in a safe manner. If you punch the wall when you\u2019re mad, you\u2019re not a safe person to be around either. Emotional attunement requires feeling your feelings, even when you want to push them away, and doing so in a non-harmful manner. That could mean taking space when you need it and communicating that with your partner. It could also mean working with a trained professional<\/a>.<\/p>\n Instead of thinking about what you\u2019re going to say next, really listen to what the other person is saying. By giving someone your full attention, you\u2019re letting them know you care about their experience, which is crucial for emotional attunement. You\u2019re also signaling that they matter because you\u2019re not centering yourself in the conversation, meaning you\u2019re not making the conversation about you<\/em> and what you<\/em> can contribute. (By the way, I have a PDF about this<\/a> if you\u2019re interested.)<\/p>\n Attunement may sound like mind reading, but I promise, it\u2019s not! Ask questions if you don\u2019t understand something the other person is saying. That helps them feel seen and known. It indicates you\u2019re present with them because you\u2019re really trying to learn what\u2019s going on for them.<\/p>\n The reality is sometimes we don\u2019t know how we\u2019re feeling, or our outsides don\u2019t match our insides. You\u2019ve likely had the experience where someone says they\u2019re fine and clearly, they\u2019re not. Nonverbal cues like posture, facial expressions, and energy levels will help you discern how the other person is feeling and act accordingly. It\u2019s also important to ask questions here when you notice the nonverbal cues to ensure you\u2019re not making assumptions. For example, \u201cI\u2019ve noticed you\u2019re lying down a lot. Are you tired? Or is there something else going on?\u201d<\/p>\n A huge part of emotional attunement is being on the same wavelength with someone, or in other words, sharing their reality. If your partner is sad about losing the job they hated, reflect back that sadness: \u201cI hear you. It sounds like you feel sad.\u201d If you respond with, \u201cThat\u2019s great, babe! You didn\u2019t like that job anyway!\u201d your partner won\u2019t feel seen, heard, or understood. You don\u2019t have to agree with them, but demonstrating you understand how they\u2019re feeling will go a long way.<\/p>\n Every person has something they are sensitive about. It could be physical, like going bald, or something related to past trauma like being cheated on. Whatever it is, it\u2019s important to be aware of what your triggers are so you can communicate that to your partner. Doing so will support you in not becoming reactive and together, you can potentially avoid an emotional landmine. Identifying triggers goes both ways \u2013 encourage your partner to share their triggers as well (if that\u2019s appropriate) so you know what to avoid or how to support them in feeling safe.<\/p>\n Emotional attunement is a process and a skill that takes practice. It\u2019s not something learned overnight but there are actions you can take today to feel closer to the people in your life and vice versa. Share this article with them, and together, build the sort of relationship that is satisfying to you both.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n References<\/strong><\/p>\n Erskine, Richard G. \u201cAttunement and involvement: Therapeutic responses to relational needs.\u201d International Journal of Psychotherapy<\/em>. January 1998; Vol. 3:3, pp. 235-244.<\/p>\nHow to create emotional attunement<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Find your safe space<\/h3>\n
Listen before you speak<\/h3>\n
Ask questions<\/h3>\n
Notice nonverbal cues<\/h3>\n
Share reality<\/h3>\n
Spot your triggers<\/strong>.<\/h3>\n
The GoodTherapy Registry might be helpful to you.<\/h3>\n
We have thousands of Therapists listed with us who would love to walk with you on your journey.<\/h3>\n
Find the support you need today<\/a>.<\/h3>\n